Hmmmmmm my God is good.

so i've been slowly working my way through the Bible - slowly is an understatement. I've been reading for a year and I'm about halfway through Isaiah, haha, but it's been good.

so God's been teaching me stuff this past week and i get excited about it you know? here's some cool stuff from this week:

On worship:

Isaiah 29:13 - "The Lord says: 'These people come near to me with their mouth and honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. Their worship of me is made up only of rules taught by men.' "
These rules of men:
Isaiah 28:10 - "For it is: Do and do, do and do, rule on rule, rule on rule; a little here, a little there."

when God meant for it to be rest -
Isaiah 28:12 - "to whom He said, "This is the resting place, let the weary rest"; and, "This is the place of repose" - but they would not listen."

Isaiah 30:15 - "This is what the Sovereign LORD (Yahweh), the Holy One of Israel, says: 'In repentance and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it.' "

on trust:
Isaiah 28:16 - "So this is what the Sovereign LORD (Yahweh) says: 'See, I lay a stone in Zion, a tested stone, a precious cornerstone for a sure foundation; the one who trusts will never be dismayed.'"
-- this is Jesus. God's measuring line is justice - His plumb line is righteousness (28:17) - on my own I fall short, but Jesus, when Jesus is my foundation, His righteousness, His justice - covers me. He's sure, He's tested, He's precious. The cornerstone, for which the whole structure relies on to keep it standing, keep it from falling apart - that's Him.

Isaiah 26:3-4 - "You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in You. Trust in the LORD (Yahweh) forever, for the LORD, the LORD, is the Rock eternal."
Isaiah 25:9 - "In that day they will say, 'Surely this is our God; we trusted in Him and He saved us. This is the LORD, we trusted in Him; let us rejoice and be glad in His salvation.'"

on being poor and needy:
Isaiah 25:4 - "You have been a refuge for the poor, a refuge for the needy in his distress, a shelter from the storm and a shade from the heat."
Isaiah 29:19 - "Once more the humble will rejoice in the LORD; the needy will rejoice in the Holy One of Israel."

on who my God is:
Isaiah 25:1 - "O LORD, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things, things planned long ago."
Isaiah 25:6-8 - "On this mountain, the LORD Almighty will prepare a feast of rich food for all peoples, a banquet of aged wine - the best of meats and the finest of wines. On this mountain He will destroy the shroud that enfolds all peoples, the sheet that covers all nations; He will swallow up death forever. The Sovereign LORD will wipe away the tears from all faces; He will remove the disgrace of His people from all the earth. The LORD has spoken."
Isaiah 28:5-6 - "In that day, the LORD Almighty will be a glorious crown, a beautiful wreath for the remnant of His people. He will be a spirit of justice to him who sits in judgment, a source of strength to those who turn back the battle at the gate (the most vulnerable part of the wall)."
Isaiah 28:29 - "All this also comes from the LORD Almighty, wonderful in counsel and magnificent in wisdom."
Isaiah 30:18 - "Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you; He rises to show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for Him!"
Isaiah 30:19 - "O people of Zion, who live in Jerusalem, you will weep no more. How gracious He will be when you cry for help! As soon as He hears, He will answer you."
Isaiah 30:26 - "The moon will shine like the sun and the sunlight will be seven times brighter, like the light of seven full days, when the LORD binds up the bruises of His people and heals the wounds He inflicted."

The goodness of the Lord is magnified in light of my rebelliousness and disobedience. I am an obstinate little Israel most of the time - to the point where, like them, I say "stop confronting [me] with the Holy One of Israel (Isaiah 30:11)" sometimes. I am the one who has turned things upside down - who forgets that the Lord is my Creator - that He is God and I am not. that He knows better than I do, that He's enough - I don't have to add or take away from anything He's done.

Isaiah 29:16 - "You turn things upside down, as if the potter were thought to be like the clay! Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, "He did not make me"? Can the pot say of the potter, "He knows nothing"?"

No. My God is perfect. He is Sovereign. He knows me, He longs to be gracious towards me.

I am my Beloved's and He is mine.
<3

reminders

today i was reminded of a story

it was nice to be reminded, convicting as well, of this story because it reminded me of how Sovereign the Lord really is. He's had His hand on my life since before I could speak or think on my own - since before I was literally formed in the womb. My existence was a shock, a surprise, seemingly unplanned, and yet in His sovereignty I live.

yet I constantly worry, stress, wonder, doubt.

without fail, in His perfect faithfulness, He keeps His hand on me. when I fail to seek Him, fail to ask Him, fail to look to Him - He still loves and protects me.

so why do I worry? what is it that makes me think I have any control, or that I am more secure when I'm directing and guiding my life than when I just simply trust Him? because the reality of it, is that before the illusion of control ever occurred to me, He handled things perfectly. if, when I had no knowledge of my existence, no voice to speak or thoughts to form, He took perfect care of me - what makes me think that I can do better now without Him?

i don't understand why i do the things that i do. i am so quick to forget that the Lord has been so good to me, that He's good regardless of how good my life is going, that more than giving me physical life, He's given me eternal life, that He has never failed to take His sovereign hand off of me...despite my efforts to try to shake Him off.

undeserving.

the standard of beauty

so i'm reading through Song of Songs now and i have to confess that i love this book. having already listened to "Visionary Love" by Stephen Furtick a few months ago I feel like i have a different perspective on the book. I can recognize parts/seasons in their relationship and it's so much cooler.

one thing that stands out to me is 4:7 "all beautiful you are, my darling, there is no flaw in you."

basically he's just gone over her entire self - complimenting her and tailoring his words to build her up as a woman, as his beloved. then, in this verse, he summarizes all that he finds beautiful in her. She has become and is his standard of beauty.

no one else compares to her, and he holds everything up in light of her and her beauty - and nothing compares, she encompasses all that he finds and things and sees as being beautiful.

then she says something, after he's gone through and told her everything that's beautiful about her (and i mean everything is beautiful to him) - he talks about how she's waited for him - guarded her garden from the "foxes" - those little things that get in the way and keep you from guarding your heart and keeping yourself pure. then she says something... something crazy.. she gives him permission to come into his garden (her). It isn't "her garden" but his.

for some reason this just really struck me - that she didn't even consider her body her own anymore - she was his and he was hers. there's something so beautiful about that to me - that she's waited and guarded and matured in all these areas for years just to give it away. give it all away.

he affirms her - he affirms her in their dating by speaking truth into her life when she focuses on her insecurities. he affirms her beauty by making it his standard. and she trusts him fully - with everything that she is and has she lets him in and gives him permission to come into everything that she is... and neither do it for selfish reasons - they do it simply because it's loving the other. he loves her by affirming. she loves him by trusting and giving.

the Gospel

"Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst." - 1 Timothy 1:15

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." -Hebrews 12:2

hmm... as i look back on today, the past week, month, semester, few years... the extent of my screw ups is overwhelming. the more i look at my screwed up past and "present" state... the more i wonder if Jesus is thinking about changing his mind on me. BUT my mistake has been looking down at me instead of fixing my eyes on Him. the beauty of the Gospel is that "I was. He is." (Carly Kay).

hebrews 12:1 talks about throwing off the sin that "so easily entangles" and "running with perseverance the race marked out for us"... all of which sounds well and good, but by fixing my eyes on Jesus, He enables me to run in such a way that i do "not grow weary or lose heart."

i'm super good at focusing on the fact that i'm a failure when i've screwed up. in my pride i might not admit it, but in my heart it eats away. the perfectionist murders joy and distracts me from the hope that I have in the truth that Jesus "for the joy set before him, endured the cross, scorning its shame and sat at the right hand of the throne of God."

the beauty of the Gospel, is that Jesus bridged a gap, carried me to the Table, handed me a plate of potatoes and said "here, eat, enjoy, then pass it around." he did NOT bridge the gap, and expect me to come to the table on my own two legs, with a 5 course meal perfectly cooked and arranged - he didn't even ask me to bring a side dish or a roll of paper towels... the beauty of the Gospel, an aspect of it anyways, is that He rescued me, carried me, and without expecting me to bring anything to the table on my own, said "here...take this, enjoy the feast, pass the potatoes."

i want to soak in the beauty that is the Gospel - though it's grace and love i'll never fully understand.
<3

preparation

coming to you from columbia...

last weekend i went to athens to see my dear dear sister Autumn, to get away from Clemson, and essentially let the Lord heal some stuff, reveal some stuff, and work. i believe He did and He still is.

i came back to Clemson and the other night i was walking to a frisbee game (the Lost Boys' game to be precise ;) ) and we were chatting. essentially... this blog is a piece of that conversation.

i feel like the Lord's preparing me for something. and (we were talking about relationships) a lot of times it's easy to think "oh He's preparing me for someone." but maybe not, maybe He's just preparing me for Him, for something else, who knows. regardless, i feel Him moving and asking me to "Come" and that's so hard for me to do sometimes! whether i get married in this life or not, He's still preparing me to be a married woman: His.

There have been times when it's so conversational between me and Him, then other times when I squirm. (Like tonight on the way to Columbia, it was like i felt like He was riding in the car, right next to me, as though i should turn off the music and we should just have a conversation... but He just wanted to ride in silence and I was totally squirming).

you know those people, the friends or the loved ones that you have... the ones that just know what you're gonna say before you say it... you don't even have to talk to communicate, they just get it. i want that with Jesus.

there's a lot i dont know. i was riding home listening to this podcast/sermon (i'm okay with the fact that that makes me dorky) that's part of a series on Song of Solomon. Clayton King was the guest speaker and he was talking about marraige and i was like... whoa, Lord i'm totally not ready for that. and it was as if this revelation happened in my head (a lightbulb moment)... the same/similar reasons/things why i'm not ready to be married now, are the same things that hold me back in my relationship with the Lord. i'm selfish, i'm prideful, i'm independent, i find submitting and communicating difficult...and being vulnerable even harder. BUT those are all things that the Lord is like "hey... that - that's not cool. I want you to be holy like I am holy. so come on - let me in."

maybe i'm starting to get it. if engagement is the preparation for the wedding day and marraige... then this is it - i'm engaged, being prepared for the wedding feast. i'm married, one through the blood of Christ. see this Jesus? He's mine and i am His.

2 Timothy 1:7

For God did NOT give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.


hmm... i'm claiming it.
<3

the mustard seed

you say i can walk on water just like you did
you say i can heal the lame and the sick
you say that in you i have power to raise the dead
if only i had faith the size of a mustard seed
well a mustard seed never looked so big to me.

you say you can heal my brokenness and
that you can break my chains of regret
you say that you can free me from perfection's illusion
and that you're grace is sufficient for my every need
but a mustard seed never looked so big to me.

you say you long to restore me
you say you long to love me
with a love and grace beyond common sense.
you say you long to hold me
you say your desire is for me
a desire stronger than i have ever known

you say "Come to me" but i flee from your gaze
you say "Do not quench the Spirit" and "Cling to what is good"
but in my heart i feel a web of lies.
i'm ridden with discouragement and fear
have i pushed you away one too many times?

i'm at a loss Jesus and in a dangerous place
the land called unbelief
all i have is your promise
that you're faithful to complete
could i fall down at your feet?
i cannot understand the concept of your love
or why you'd want to be one with such a failure

Maker of the mustard seed, be even bigger now to me.

its rough

all that hurts

from the depths of who i am i need you Jesus. i cannot change myself, i cannot change my heart. i need the strength to claim truth that seems, overwhelmingly, so far away.

this is not out of your hands, this was not out of your sight. this was not and is not a surprise to you, unlike it was to me. you are good and your love endures forever. you discipline those that you love... help me to receive this and teach me, like Jacob wouldn't let go when he wrestled with you, Father, though you injure me because of your mercy and love, I won't let go until you bless me.

i claim salvation, grace and love that i'm unable to receive or understand fully. i claim the truth that i am not alone, that i am loved, that i am not rejected but that i have access to the throne of God through Jesus Christ, my high priest who sympathizes with my weaknesses because He's been tempted in every way. i confess my sin of unbelief, of little faith, of anger and bitterness, of disobedience, and my weaknesses are before you. Yet, you've nailed them to the cross, you've said "it is finished." and you continue to dredge up the lies that have been so deeply entrenched in my heart, woven into the marrow of my bones, and it hurts like hell.

take out the death in my bones, raise the dead in me, teach me, create in me a new wellspring, a new heart, renew a steadfast spirit within me, set my thoughts on Jesus. i cannot do this on my own, and i dont want to leave this situation the same or worse... Satan has no foothold, he has been defeated, fight for me Jesus like you have, like you did for Joshua and Israel... in your patience and your mercy don't give up on me. remember your promises "I will never leave you nor forsake you."

you're answering my prayers and I praise you, keep breaking and Father..breathe healing.

tuesdays and the red hat

happy tuesday.

so this is what i want: to believe and cling to the fact that God is good instead of being swayed by the circumstances that surround that statement. i don't want to doubt the Lord's goodness just because i didn't "see" or "feel" Him show up, or because i don't understand what he's doing. I want to be at rest in my heart, in the core of who i am, in the fact that God is good, that He is strong, that He loves me.

that He loves me.

teach me to receive. probe in my heart, move what holds me back from coming to You.

<3

a teddy bear vs a lover.... redefining intimacy

this is embarassing... but here it is: i still sleep with a teddy bear... and not just one...but two.

in my defense they're both very sentimental and have ties to my Oma... so that makes me feel less pathetic.

anyways... i know teddy bears. I worked in Build-A-Bear for crying out loud... I know, along with every other human being, that teddy bears are soft, cuddly, cute and many find them comforting... especially little kids. There's a sense of intimacy associated with teddy bears I think.

Little kids sleep with them, they cart them around, they drool all over them ((or in my case I tended to puke on them... man it just keeps getting more embarrassing for me :) ))... they're personal with their teddy bears (or blankets).

Kids aren't the only ones who associate teddy bears with intimacy. Countless boyfriends, fiances, and husbands came into the store to stuff bears for that "lucky girl" in their life. They went through impressively embarrassing links to stuff the bear too... jumping up and down, wishing on red hearts, announcing to the whole store that they loved this girl.

I've known that the Lord isn't a "Teddy bear" God... He isn't always soft and cuddly, there's an element to Him that is fierce, jealous, even wrathful. Of course He is gracious and merciful, but not at the expense of justice or righteousness. He's not "the Big Guy upstairs waiting to squash you" but He isn't a door-mat you just walk over either. So I've known, even told others, that the Lord isn't a teddy-bear God... but He hit me with something this week that was somewhat crazy... I'll share.

In Scripture, especially in the Old Testament, they refer to God as LORD in all caps. This is significant, because they aren't calling the Lord "Adonai" but they're calling Him "Yahweh". "Yahweh"... God's name was sooo great, too great, that they didn't dare say it, or even write it. They used LORD as somewhat of a euphemism for it, for lack of a better word. I could be wrong about this, but that's just the info I have on hand, so test it... test all of what I say in this btw, and cling to what's good (if any is) ((1Thess5). Nowadays, "Yahweh", although it isn't common for us to say, is said, even sung, so it doesn't seem like such a big deal... but it hit me this week. I wonder, what it would be like to be in the presence of the LORD who was too... too holy, too righteous, too awesome, too fierce, too gracious, too loving, too merciful, too sovereign... you get my point... and to not even be able to utter His name because my lips aren't even worthy, they can't even form the name "Yahweh"??? What would that look and feel like.. to have such a reverent fear of God Almighty that I wouldn't even be able to write the Holy name of Yahweh?

Israel had a big view of the LORD when they had their eyes on Him. Those that sought Him had a fear of Him... not a fear like "I'm afraid of the dark" but a reverent fear, a genuine AWE of the Lord.

In so many ways I am a little Israel. I am stiff-necked, stubborn, prideful, and unfaithful... but the Lord is faithful to His word and covenant with me... He desires me... all of me. I don't understand it. BUT this week God has been kinda hitting me over the head with His name throughout the Psalms as I've been reading. I had read Ps 81 last week and the intimate desire of the Lord to fill us, to satisfy us, to have us listen to Him, open wide our mouths and expectantly wait for Him to fill them... was crazy. I started thinking about Yahweh, and how I just feel soo unjustified in saying it, because all of these "greats" in the Bible didn't even dare utter it... that's how crazy God is. Moses couldn't even see His face He was that awesome. I know that my relationship with the Lord is like a marraige, that He wants to know me intimately and I want to know Him intimately, but I realized Sunday that there's a shift that's happening (hopefully) in my life and my walk.

The Lord doesn't just want to be a teddy bear to me... something I fall asleep next too, that gets kicked around or put at the end of the bed, that's left when I go out of town (sometimes), that's on the outside of me... He doesn't want that kind of intimacy, if it can be called that... He wants to be a jealous lover. Not only does He not want to be a teddy bear... I want more than a teddy bear. I want the childlike faith that kids have, but I don't want my God to be small enough for me to drag around and only as close to me as my grip to Him is tight.

The differences between a lover and a teddy bear are vast... I'll let you think of your own and of the obvious ones. The Lord wants to be in me, wants to be one with me, wants to be more than the lifeless thing at the foot of my bed when I go to sleep. Is He gentle? Yes. Is He cuddly? Maybe. Is He trustworthy? Well, His word says He is and He has never failed, so I'd say yes. Is it scary? I'm freaking out. Why? Because He's the Living God, Yahweh, All-Knowing, jealous, Alpha, Omega, Creator, Judge...He's holy, righteous, and fiercely loving. He's compassionate, faithful, patient, good, just, slow to anger but quick to be gracious and merciful. He's overwhelmingly huge, and yet He's made it so simple for me to be in a relationship with Him. There's something exciting and a little bit frightening to think that the God who is all of those things wants to be with me.
I know how to handle teddy bears... but this is all new ground.

So I'm waiting... I don't know what's going on, but there's this excited/afraid/anticipation welling up within me... and I like it.
<3

expectantly...

so the Lord is soooo intimate and faithful... this is what He's been challenging me with lately.

Psalm 81 is AMAZING, read it to get context. The whole time the Lord is saying "I removed this from you, I set you free from this, I rescued you, I answered you, if you would but LISTEN to me!" Kinda like... HELLO I LOVE YOU PLEASE PLEASE LISTEN TO ME I'M SPEAKING TO YOU, I'M BUSTING AT THE SEAMS TO TELL YOU THAT I LOVE YOU!!!

(10) "I am the LORD (Yahweh) your God, who brought you up out of Egypt. Open wide your mouth and I will fill it."

(16) "But you would be fed with the finest of wheat; with honey from the rock I would satisfy you."

ahhhhhhhh! Yahweh... the Living God who's name wasn't spoken among Israel because it was too awesome, too great to speak of with the human mouth, says "if you would just listen to me, if you would open wide and come to me expectantly, I would SATISFY you... I would FILL you... but you chose to be stubborn."

I come to Him with a sippy cup... so much. Why don't I come with a huge container, with an empty lake... just begging and EXPECTING Him to just pour out His Spirit like a flood.

so this week.... open wide... like you do when you taste snowflakes, like you do when you shove glorious chocolate cake, like you do when you drink water after a hard run.... come expecting to be filled and satisfied BEYOND your imagination.
<3

and the personal...

hmm... it's been interesting praying for brokeness and humility... to be a weak person.

satan totally loves to lie to me... he loves to tell me i don't know who i am, he loves to call that into question, he loves to get me comparing myself to other people, especially my amazing roommates. and he succeeds very often.

total feelings of inadequacy just like swamped me yesterday and the night before... which sucks... Sandy reminded me that Satan just loves for us to dwell on the fact that we're inadequate, but the Lord reminds us that we're adequate not in ourselves, but in Christ. hmm... sometimes i just wish i had it all figured out.

i wish i was grounded in my identity... that I'm a daughter of the Living God... sometimes, most times, i wish i wouldn't compare myself to other people but that i would be completely comfy in my own skin. i wish my faith was bigger, my pride non-existant, my love effective and genuine and expressed, i wish i had patience and self-control, i wish my fear would go away.

the Lord is good... and He's teaching me things... just things that don't feel so great when you go through it... things like trusting His love and grace, both of which are unconditional, even when i am aware of the condition and ugly state of my heart. His standards aren't mine... Halleluia!

He's also conformed stuff... which has been crazy and interesting.... just Him confirming "Yup... I'm teaching you this. Yup... I'm telling you this. Yup... you're my kid, I've told you now BELIEVE and LIVE in that belief, in that knowledge, in My promises. Take me at my word."

so my Jesus is awesome, I don't understand Him, I think He's crazy... but in the best way ever. When I feel like weeping on the floor because I see myself as one big failure, He's like... you're my wife, I've rescued you from this, I saved you from what you couldn't save yourself from.... I love you inspite of you, inspite of what you do, I love you perfectly through the Cross and through redemption... you're acquitted... free! stop judging... I'm not... I've declared you not-guilty... now get off the floor and hug me! Let's make dinner and dance in the kitchen... trust trust trust my love, beloved."

hmm....
grace and peace.