interwoven stories and the Great Redeemer

my sophomore year of highschool we had a change of youthstaff in our church. "cool," i thought - i was ready for a change. there was a woman - thin, in her twenties, dark hair, and i didn't quite know what to think of her. i couldn't remember ever having a girl on staff. one of the earliest conversations i can remember having with her was when she told me i should go to Cuba that summer on a missions trip. I laughed and told her she was crazy, I didn't travel (when the truth was, my anxiety had me in such bondage that traveling threw me into panic attacks and days/weeks of depression). I went to Cuba. I started meeting with this crazy woman. She taught me how to drive a stick. She bought me coffee at Starbucks. She talked to me about Jesus. She started asking me about my life - she listened to all the crap drama of a high school girl as though she cared. When I got to college, I had her voice in my head. It went something like, "Alex, feelings don't dictate truth" when I felt far from the Lord. And when I got dumped, when my grandmother died, when my anxiety got so bad that I couldn't get off the couch, when I started thinking about hurting myself, when I went to therapy, when I doubted Jesus - she loved me, she spoke truth to me, and not once did she fail to encourage me in growing with the Lord. Her name is Meredith. This is her story - you should hear it.

politics

Today, a bunch of politicians might change my life. They might take away my father’s job, not really because it’s what Americans want, but because they want to get re-elected (oh yes, some of them said that on TV). It’ll be okay, I know that. I’m not worried about dad losing his job, etc. because the Lord never fails in His faithfulness. What bugs me is that we (a general term for my generation at least) elected a man who claimed to be change because we were tired of injustice, tired of war, tired of boredom, tired of the gap between the rich and poor, you name it – so we put our hope in a politician for change. And what really annoys me, is that we elected a politician to do the church’s job.
Maybe I should explain – I'm not convinced that it’s not the government’s job to care for the poor, the widowed, the orphans, the needy, the sick, and the hopeless – it’s the Church’s job. Did Jesus tell the government to look after the “least of these”? NO – he commanded us to. And when we slack off from that responsibility and put all of our hope in secular government – lots of crap happens because it’s a broken system. I’m inclined to think that the majority of politicians don’t love those they represent – they’re not interested in what their voters really want or need – they’re interested in getting re-elected, getting paid, and they’ll do whatever it takes to accomplish their goals, not because they’re motivated by love – but because it’s politics.
It’s not just the politicians, this isn’t to bash them – it’s human nature. When was the last time I did something for someone else out of the pure motive of loving them above myself? And when did I care for the widow, the orphan – when did I stand up for the oppressed, the persecuted? When did I consider and obey the heart of Jesus, abandoning my comfort for the sake of love? Tell me, how are we (the Church, the Bride) after the heart of God, our Husband?

word vomit

Wow 2 posts in a week, I feel like that’s been a while.

I’ve had a whole bunch going on in this head of mine – I’m pretty sure I’ve word-vomited so frequently lately that my poor friends are afraid to ask me how I am. I’m blessed that they’ve dug into God’s faithful patience with me, especially over the past few weeks. There’s a lot of crap in my life that the Father wants to sanctify – I’m pretty sure it’d go easier if I just humbled myself and admitted my sin struggles and weaknesses – but no, I fight him on everything. We’re learning – I am anyways – He’s patiently staying and teaching. The past two weeks have been an all time low it seems – I’ve believed so many lies without even realizing, that I feel disoriented. It’s like falling into a deep ocean, and losing perspective on which way is up – you lose the way to oxygen. I don’t believe that Satan is creative, but he is a tricky little sucker – masquerading as an angel of light – most times I don’t even catch that I’m speaking death over myself. BUT that’s it – no more credit for him. He’s a jerk. JESUS, on the other hand, is an amazing Savior, Lord and lover. I was talking to a friend of mine in the library the other day, and somehow we got to talking about guilt and worldly sorrow vs Godly sorrow – how with worldly sorrow you just feel bad because you know you should feel bad but with Godly sorrow, you’re sad because you hurt God’s heart. So many things just clicked into place when he phrased it like that.
I could say I’ve been running away from the Lord because I don’t know how to receive or believe His love for me – and all of that is true except for the fact that He runs alongside of me and goes before me and never leaves me. All this time I’ve been “repenting” – apologizing because I knew I should feel bad for screwing up so much (which isn’t true repentance) – but God’s heart breaking over my sin hasn’t even phased me the past few weeks. There have been times in my life where I would’ve shed tears over hurting his heart. It’s not that much of a brain teaser- Satan’s goal isn’t really to make me chief of heathens by the world’s standards – it’s just to get me distracted and forget God’s heart – that He is good, that He loves me unconditionally, that sin breaks His heart and He longs for me to obey him NOT because my obedience or performance make Him love me more or because He expects me to be perfect – BUT because he loves me and knows what’s best. I forget that – and when I lose sight of that it doesn’t take much for me to end up in a dry, low spot.
I was at another friend’s house last night, and there was a musician there singing a song, and suddenly I felt overwhelmingly anxious, panicky and far from the Lord. I ended up in the bathroom on my knees talking to Jesus for a bit.
The thing is, I can’t fix me or wake me up or break my own heart or change myself – which leads me to the conclusion that if Jesus doesn’t show up, I’m toast…burnt toast. But nothing is beyond His redemption – and He’s justly and fully dealt with my sin on the cross – praise Him! He created me exactly the way He wanted me – and He’ll continue to weave my weaknesses along cords of His strength to reach and minister to others, and to sanctify me – molding me into a bride worthy of His hand – molding me to be like Jesus.

anothershower song

I find my favorite and most honest stuff comes out in the shower at the end of an anxiety-driven, enslaved-to-fear kind of day – when lies and feelings seem to be the easiest things to claim for yourself because that’s what you feel. This is where I’m at – at least partly, I’m getting there, this is a prayer. I’m learning that God’s eyes aren’t like mine – He sees me a certain glorious way that isn’t based on me, but the Gospel. He loves me – and most of the time I can’t find anything loveable in me. I want to be set free from the lie that I’m unworthy of love – and dwell in the truth that I’m loved by the Father, not based on me, but based on Him – and He doesn’t change. Bah… to be at home in love. Hope this ushers you into worship our Lord.

You are, you are my only hope, my only hope (X2)

Can you see my heart beat at the sound of your voice?
Can you see my inability to receive your love? Open me up, open me up
Can you see my heart beat at the sound of your voice?
Can you see my inability to receive your love? Open me up, open me up, for I cannot break myself.

You are, you are my only hope, my only hope (X2)

Can you see my prayer rising towards heaven, going past the ceiling despite my doubts
Can you see my prayer rising towards the heaven, going past the ceiling, despite my feeling- I know You are near.

You are, you are my only hope, my only hope (X2)

I will sing, I will sing of Your greatness – of your faithfulness throughout a thousand generations
I will sing, I will sing of your greatness – of your faithfulness throughout a thousand generations
Of your never-ending patience with my stubborn heart, I will sing, I will sing.
I will sing, I will sing of your compassion – of the gracious inclination of your heart towards me.
I will sing, I will sing of your compassion – of your heart of Justice, of how you cover me. I will sing. I will sing.

You are, you are my only hope, my only hope (X2)