the standard of beauty

so i'm reading through Song of Songs now and i have to confess that i love this book. having already listened to "Visionary Love" by Stephen Furtick a few months ago I feel like i have a different perspective on the book. I can recognize parts/seasons in their relationship and it's so much cooler.

one thing that stands out to me is 4:7 "all beautiful you are, my darling, there is no flaw in you."

basically he's just gone over her entire self - complimenting her and tailoring his words to build her up as a woman, as his beloved. then, in this verse, he summarizes all that he finds beautiful in her. She has become and is his standard of beauty.

no one else compares to her, and he holds everything up in light of her and her beauty - and nothing compares, she encompasses all that he finds and things and sees as being beautiful.

then she says something, after he's gone through and told her everything that's beautiful about her (and i mean everything is beautiful to him) - he talks about how she's waited for him - guarded her garden from the "foxes" - those little things that get in the way and keep you from guarding your heart and keeping yourself pure. then she says something... something crazy.. she gives him permission to come into his garden (her). It isn't "her garden" but his.

for some reason this just really struck me - that she didn't even consider her body her own anymore - she was his and he was hers. there's something so beautiful about that to me - that she's waited and guarded and matured in all these areas for years just to give it away. give it all away.

he affirms her - he affirms her in their dating by speaking truth into her life when she focuses on her insecurities. he affirms her beauty by making it his standard. and she trusts him fully - with everything that she is and has she lets him in and gives him permission to come into everything that she is... and neither do it for selfish reasons - they do it simply because it's loving the other. he loves her by affirming. she loves him by trusting and giving.

back

back to school... to tests, papers, speeches, "work"

my God is good. my God is strong. my God is big. my God fights for me.

my God gives me sleep - good, deep, rest. I'm claiming that tonight.

exhausted but sustained.
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procrastinating

i'm back in clemson for the day - i have an hour before my lab - an hour that i should be spending doing work, but an hour that i just want to do nothing in. in a compromise (not much of one) i find myself here.

i have a stomach ache - i downed some vitamins after eating a small salad for lunch - and i'm thinking it wasn't such a great idea. i realized that i've taken a lot of vitamin C - probably too much past the upper limit - even though my body will get rid of it, it reminds me that too much of a good thing can feel crappy.

so i'm sitting here, not really knowing what to do or where to start with stuff. waiting. with a tummy ache and a few thoughts that are too jumbled for me to make sense of them.

i think i've realized a few things about me this past week - things i didn't expect to experience maybe... definitely. i never thought i could detach from certain things, but i have surprisingly. i didn't think i had the strength to ever be in a hospital room again, let alone on on the ICU - but it wasn't like i thought it'd be. in that moment i could detach just enough to be objective and still allow myself to feel the weight of it all.

i wish i could do that with other things.

i wish there was some balance - some wisdom and discernment - something that wasn't all or nothing in just a brief moment. so often i feel like its all or nothing - maybe because extremes are much easier, maybe they seem be more secure or stable because you're with others who are just as extreme as you are. but in balance - its dynamic, changing, it requires flexibility and trust and wisdom.

jesus i need you.
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hospital memories

oh how unexpected life is.

i've spent about 10 hours in a hospital over the past two days. over 2 hours in a car on the way home weeping, praying, and worshiping. now, in the ICU waiting room in Lexington, I've got a chance to write.

there's an odd mixture of feelings in me. on the one hand, i can't imagine losing one of my parents. so suddenly. i can't imagine. on the other hand, part of me relates and grieves in a real way because i've tasted loss, grief, and hospital waiting rooms. i've faced waiting. knowing. imagining.

memories come back in a flash, like snippets of the past, they flash before my eyes and then they're gone. it's odd - i feel like i should cry again - i should feel more than i do. and i do cry, i do feel, but each year it fades more and more - like the sound of her voice, the way that she smelled, the way she'd sit on her couch and watch tv or read.

i know that she's whole. she's healed. people have told me that the Lord desires us to be healed, and I'll agree with them wholeheartedly. I know that my God is a God who raises the dead, heals the sick, and restores the broken. I also know that His thoughts aren't my thoughts, His ways aren't my ways, He is so high.

He's perfect, pleasing, and He knows what's best. What's best might seem cruel - in fact it did. I was angry, hurt, confused, so many things. for so long. Now it's like I know - I get it as best as I can, I think.

The Lord didn't turn a deaf ear to me - He answered me completely. She's totally healed, fully alive, and completely restored.

I'm right where I need to be. At the core of who He is, my God is good. He is good. He is good. He is good. He is sovereign - my God is sovereign. Why do I struggle so much to trust Him?

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this is me - asking how you are.

car time goodness

i am loved.

my sin is completely paid for through Jesus' death on the cross.
The cross is God not counting my past, present, or future against me.

I am deeply loved, completely forgiven, totally accepted and fully pleasing.

weeping and laughing, confessing and praising.

you alone are worth it all - you, just you.

you love me.
Holy God loves me.
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chchchChanges

Hmmmm

i'm finding myself in the need just to vent - to spill my guts out, and since i'm finding that i have no one to do that with, i'm throwing it out here - be warned, this is purging at its finest.

i'm having a hard time - i don't have it all together, but i'm not used to being on the brink of tears like i have been the past few weeks. i'm struggling, because my "old" nature doesn't seem so old - doesn't seem so crucified - and as i'm struggling with all of these changes, my heart just feels gross because i'm angry, i'm hurt, i'm not trusting, i'm not resting, i'm not being obedient - that's how i feel anyways.

so where to start?

my living situation for next year - still not laid down, still up in the air. still stings.

my family - moving next weekend. last night was my last night in the house i've been in - all through middle school, high school and half of college. and i know that it's dumb, but i'm having a hard time with it. not only do i feel alone and without a support system here in clemson, i feel like i'm losing it in columbia too. i'm going home to a house that's not mine - to a room that i didn't set up - where i don't know where anything is - i don't know the phone number, address, or how to get there.

i went home this weekend hurting, because i felt alone - and i left home in tears because i felt even worse. all i did was write a paper, pack my room and spend a day at lowe's picking out mirrors for this new house. and i had to be okay with it - because my family's excited about it, and they should be. but there's this selfish part of me that just wants to stay - just wants something to stay unchanging. i get that change is a part of life - but i'm struggling when everything changes at once.

the crappiest part about this is that I know the Lord's doing it for a reason - He wants me to trust Him alone. and I'm trying - I am, but just in case it wasn't hard before, now it's harder. I'm realizing the extent of my stubbornness and rebelliousness and it's scary - i'm seeing how crappy and gross my heart is and i just don't know what to do... i can't change it.

i want someone to just understand - to ask - but then i don't want them to ask, because i'll cry. and i know that this is the purging of a stupid, spoiled girl who should just grow up - but i think the point is that i am growing up, i'm just trying to be honest about it. when builder's refer to your room as the "guest" room it just further cements the feeling of having no home. but i do have a home, a home that i'm pushing away because of this whole pity party, a home that doesn't change, a home that does pursue, that does ask - Jesus. I'm just struggling so hard to believe that He's enough - that He's better - that He's true.

i thought this would help me not cry - but it's not working.
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