preparation

coming to you from columbia...

last weekend i went to athens to see my dear dear sister Autumn, to get away from Clemson, and essentially let the Lord heal some stuff, reveal some stuff, and work. i believe He did and He still is.

i came back to Clemson and the other night i was walking to a frisbee game (the Lost Boys' game to be precise ;) ) and we were chatting. essentially... this blog is a piece of that conversation.

i feel like the Lord's preparing me for something. and (we were talking about relationships) a lot of times it's easy to think "oh He's preparing me for someone." but maybe not, maybe He's just preparing me for Him, for something else, who knows. regardless, i feel Him moving and asking me to "Come" and that's so hard for me to do sometimes! whether i get married in this life or not, He's still preparing me to be a married woman: His.

There have been times when it's so conversational between me and Him, then other times when I squirm. (Like tonight on the way to Columbia, it was like i felt like He was riding in the car, right next to me, as though i should turn off the music and we should just have a conversation... but He just wanted to ride in silence and I was totally squirming).

you know those people, the friends or the loved ones that you have... the ones that just know what you're gonna say before you say it... you don't even have to talk to communicate, they just get it. i want that with Jesus.

there's a lot i dont know. i was riding home listening to this podcast/sermon (i'm okay with the fact that that makes me dorky) that's part of a series on Song of Solomon. Clayton King was the guest speaker and he was talking about marraige and i was like... whoa, Lord i'm totally not ready for that. and it was as if this revelation happened in my head (a lightbulb moment)... the same/similar reasons/things why i'm not ready to be married now, are the same things that hold me back in my relationship with the Lord. i'm selfish, i'm prideful, i'm independent, i find submitting and communicating difficult...and being vulnerable even harder. BUT those are all things that the Lord is like "hey... that - that's not cool. I want you to be holy like I am holy. so come on - let me in."

maybe i'm starting to get it. if engagement is the preparation for the wedding day and marraige... then this is it - i'm engaged, being prepared for the wedding feast. i'm married, one through the blood of Christ. see this Jesus? He's mine and i am His.