quite often i wish that i were music notes, the wind, or a wave in the ocean. that my existence might be one of a flowing kind of freedom, and that with that freedom would come refreshment and/or healing to others.
sometimes it's all i can do to stay indoors to study - when all i want to do is melt into the grass and fly with the birds simultaneously.
maybe there's a difference between contentment and settling. maybe i can be content and still restless at the same time - maybe. maybe i can embrace the present moment without letting go of the fact that i was meant for more, because the present moment part prepares me for the more part.
all i know is that, on the brink of change, i wish to be a million things and one thing at the same time.
Monday, April 26, 2010
Monday, April 19, 2010
fragile
today was such a normal monday - got up way to early to take a test, came home and slept for way to long - procrastinated from studying, spent way too much time - if not all of my time - focused on myself. called a friend to see if i could crash dinner early, only to hear her crying on the other end of the phone.
i thought she was sick, or had an overwhelming day. she was not sick.
she told me a friend of ours had died today - an accident - something about a bike and a car. i felt a knot form in my stomach, told her i was coming over, and hung up. i'll be honest - i wasn't super close to this person. i barely knew him, but what i did know pointed me to Jesus. my friendship with him involved swing dancing and the occassional hang-out time with mutual friends. he was one of the most patient men i've met - and one of the most talented dancers. he was not afraid of my two left feet or my insecurity - and he made dancing fun. he was hilarious - he was unafraid to be himself.
had i not been reminded the day before that God is God and that God is good no matter what - this news would've been received with an angry "Why?" Instead, i got into my car, tried to breath, and claimed that God is still God, and that God is still good. My life is fragile - lately it seems i've lost sight of the Kingdom - of the reality of heaven - of the Gospel- of home. my story, apart from the Lord, will be forgotten, all my investments and efforts to acquire wealth, success, approval, and 'security' will be for nothing. BUT my story woven into the Story of the Universe - written by the Author of Salvation - will not be wasted. it comes down to complete submission once again... a change in perspective, a total uprooting from a fleshly worldview.
he left a community saddened but filled with joy, as a friend said, 'he meant so much to so many people. he taught me how to fear and love the Lord.' in one of matt's blog posts he wrote the following quote. i feel like it's fitting, and it gives me hope as the Lord continues to sanctify me.
"God is slowly correcting what has been covered for far too long, recovering my desire, my feelings, my soul. I don't know where are a lot of things are going, which is comforting, as it means I'm not in control, and the world is much bigger than I." - mr. matt king
i thought she was sick, or had an overwhelming day. she was not sick.
she told me a friend of ours had died today - an accident - something about a bike and a car. i felt a knot form in my stomach, told her i was coming over, and hung up. i'll be honest - i wasn't super close to this person. i barely knew him, but what i did know pointed me to Jesus. my friendship with him involved swing dancing and the occassional hang-out time with mutual friends. he was one of the most patient men i've met - and one of the most talented dancers. he was not afraid of my two left feet or my insecurity - and he made dancing fun. he was hilarious - he was unafraid to be himself.
had i not been reminded the day before that God is God and that God is good no matter what - this news would've been received with an angry "Why?" Instead, i got into my car, tried to breath, and claimed that God is still God, and that God is still good. My life is fragile - lately it seems i've lost sight of the Kingdom - of the reality of heaven - of the Gospel- of home. my story, apart from the Lord, will be forgotten, all my investments and efforts to acquire wealth, success, approval, and 'security' will be for nothing. BUT my story woven into the Story of the Universe - written by the Author of Salvation - will not be wasted. it comes down to complete submission once again... a change in perspective, a total uprooting from a fleshly worldview.
he left a community saddened but filled with joy, as a friend said, 'he meant so much to so many people. he taught me how to fear and love the Lord.' in one of matt's blog posts he wrote the following quote. i feel like it's fitting, and it gives me hope as the Lord continues to sanctify me.
"God is slowly correcting what has been covered for far too long, recovering my desire, my feelings, my soul. I don't know where are a lot of things are going, which is comforting, as it means I'm not in control, and the world is much bigger than I." - mr. matt king
Sunday, April 18, 2010
the mystery and the mouse
so i began re-reading CS Lewis' series The Chronicles of Narnia this semester as a way to escape stress. i put the Voyage of the Dawn Treader on hold for a while, but i picked it up the other day, only to read this passage:
(they've just landed on a magical island with three sleeping men who appear to be the men they're searching for - the debate is to either stay on the island or go back to the boat. King Edmund decides it'd be in the best interest for the crew to go back - being that it'll be night and 'The whole place smells of magic - and danger')
"I am entirely of King Edmund's opinion," said Reepicheep, "as far as concerns the ship's company in general. But I myself will sit at this table till sunrise."
"Why on earth?" said Eustace.
"Because," said the mouse, "this is a very great adventure, and no danger seems to me so great as that of knowing when I get back to Narnia that I left a mystery behind me through fear."
i wonder what great adventures and mysteries i've left behind me through fear. give me faith, boldness, courage, and wisdom...may i fear You and You alone.
<3
(they've just landed on a magical island with three sleeping men who appear to be the men they're searching for - the debate is to either stay on the island or go back to the boat. King Edmund decides it'd be in the best interest for the crew to go back - being that it'll be night and 'The whole place smells of magic - and danger')
"I am entirely of King Edmund's opinion," said Reepicheep, "as far as concerns the ship's company in general. But I myself will sit at this table till sunrise."
"Why on earth?" said Eustace.
"Because," said the mouse, "this is a very great adventure, and no danger seems to me so great as that of knowing when I get back to Narnia that I left a mystery behind me through fear."
i wonder what great adventures and mysteries i've left behind me through fear. give me faith, boldness, courage, and wisdom...may i fear You and You alone.
<3
Monday, April 12, 2010
filth and love
"To the angel of the church in Laodicea write:
These are the words of the Amen, the faithful and true witness, the ruler of God's creation. I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm - neither hot nor cold - I am about to spit you out of my mouth.
You say, "I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing." But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked.
I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see.
Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest and repent. Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him and he with me.
To him who overcomes, I will give the right to sit with me on my throne, just as I overcame and sat down with my Father on his throne. He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches."
-Revelation 3:14-22 (NIV)
Father it's a miracle that you love me. That you are love. That you can't stop, that you don't change. You know, even better than I, the full extent of my sin and rebellion - all of my dirt and skeletons are before you. Thank you for disciplining and rebuking those you love, for disciplining and rebuking your wayward daughter. Would your Word sink deep into my heart and take root. Would there be fruit in my life - evidence that I am yours and you are mine. Jesus give us your eyes and your heart - that we might see what you see, grieve what you grieve, love the things and people you love. Spirit will and work in us your good, perfect and pleasing will.
<3
These are the words of the Amen, the faithful and true witness, the ruler of God's creation. I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! So, because you are lukewarm - neither hot nor cold - I am about to spit you out of my mouth.
You say, "I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing." But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked.
I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see.
Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest and repent. Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him and he with me.
To him who overcomes, I will give the right to sit with me on my throne, just as I overcame and sat down with my Father on his throne. He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches."
-Revelation 3:14-22 (NIV)
Father it's a miracle that you love me. That you are love. That you can't stop, that you don't change. You know, even better than I, the full extent of my sin and rebellion - all of my dirt and skeletons are before you. Thank you for disciplining and rebuking those you love, for disciplining and rebuking your wayward daughter. Would your Word sink deep into my heart and take root. Would there be fruit in my life - evidence that I am yours and you are mine. Jesus give us your eyes and your heart - that we might see what you see, grieve what you grieve, love the things and people you love. Spirit will and work in us your good, perfect and pleasing will.
<3
Friday, April 9, 2010
derailed
jesus -
it's amazing how quickly i can let a circumstance derail my entire day and attitude. one unexpected move, icky performance, hurtful comment, and all bets are off. that moment replays in my head like a broken record - just inciting the emotions coursing through my body even more. and in a split second - i give into the circumstance, to the feelings associated with them, and no one would see You in me at that moment. Father teach me to be content in every circumstance, to trust you at all times, to pour out my heart to you, for you are my refuge. In these moments, I realize where I've built my foundation - and it has not been in and on You. Jesus my life is not a house of cards that, with even the slightest wrong move or breath, will come crashing down in hopeless ruins. You hold my life. You determine my steps. You are in control. You are the Almighty, the first and the last - in You all things hold together. I confess my unbelief, pride, selfishness, and those foul words that slip through my lips in those moments. I thank you for them - for teaching me that You hold today and that You are still good, still God, still on your throne, and who I am in you has not changed. You love me with an unconditional, unfailing love. You rise to show me compassion, your mercies are new each day - and you are enough. I need you. Today is yours, have your way in me - for i am yours and not my own. Give me faith to take You at Your word, to start believing You and not just things about You.
<3 your daughter.
it's amazing how quickly i can let a circumstance derail my entire day and attitude. one unexpected move, icky performance, hurtful comment, and all bets are off. that moment replays in my head like a broken record - just inciting the emotions coursing through my body even more. and in a split second - i give into the circumstance, to the feelings associated with them, and no one would see You in me at that moment. Father teach me to be content in every circumstance, to trust you at all times, to pour out my heart to you, for you are my refuge. In these moments, I realize where I've built my foundation - and it has not been in and on You. Jesus my life is not a house of cards that, with even the slightest wrong move or breath, will come crashing down in hopeless ruins. You hold my life. You determine my steps. You are in control. You are the Almighty, the first and the last - in You all things hold together. I confess my unbelief, pride, selfishness, and those foul words that slip through my lips in those moments. I thank you for them - for teaching me that You hold today and that You are still good, still God, still on your throne, and who I am in you has not changed. You love me with an unconditional, unfailing love. You rise to show me compassion, your mercies are new each day - and you are enough. I need you. Today is yours, have your way in me - for i am yours and not my own. Give me faith to take You at Your word, to start believing You and not just things about You.
<3 your daughter.
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