The past few months have every right to be labeled as “bad”
– there has been a lot of goodness, a lot of joy, a lot of fun – but overall,
life has been one frustrating, exhausting, difficult, thing after the next – I
feel like I have been continuously pounded by the ocean during a storm.
Surgeries, unforeseen expenses, incorrect bills, infection and delayed healing,
intense and continuous pain, loss of physical energy, adverse reactions to
medication including (but not limited to) some pretty rough depression, silly
and not so silly arguments with my fiancé and family, and worst of all –
feeling divorced and disconnected from Jesus.
When I am not centered in Christ – my world spins quite frankly
southward. Poor Ray was one of the few first-hand witnesses to this reality –
how do you tell such a God-loving, Jesus-centered man that you probably aren’t
where he thinks you are – that you’re struggling, gasping for air, clawing for
any sort of grasp, hoping just to hear or feel or see a glimpse of God’s
presence and the Spirit’s fruit in your life? I walked around a practical
atheist – anxiously independent. I would mechanically spend a few minutes in
the bible each morning, with the hope of connection, and lay in bed at night
wondering if those few minutes had any impact on my day. I felt like a massive
failure – a hypocrite – a Pharisee. It didn’t matter the prayer I prayed on my
way to work, I left Jesus in the car. Every frustration, every obstacle – I
neither invited His help nor acknowledged His sovereign presence – I acted as
though He didn’t exist. You know it’s bad
for others when you don’t even like yourself, and I really didn’t like me – I
frustrated the hell out of myself.
I began to pray feebly, and without very much faith, for God
to show up. I prayed more honestly. I see
no fruit in my life – that’s not good,
I confessed, I say I believe you but act
otherwise and I’m tired. I see people experiencing and walking with you – it’s
evident that they’ve encountered you, they’ve been changed. I feel dead and
rotten inside, and I can’t clean it up. I need you.” I need
you has become the one consistent confession and invitation lately as I’ve
seen God open my eyes to see His faithful presence, His gracious provision, His
wise sovereignty, His complete goodness. You see, He is always present, always gracious, always faithful, always wise,
always sovereign, always good, always perfect, always Holy, always loving, and
always true because He alone is presence, grace, faithfulness, wisdom,
sovereignty, goodness, perfection, holiness, love and truth personified.
Let me open it up practically for you, because this has not
been an easy or fast journey, and I have not arrived, but I know He who called
me is faithful (1st Thessalonians 5:16-24). I’m thankful that He is
so patient with me, a slow and stubborn learner.
The incorrect bills from the dentist – I burst into tears
with the first bill. After the complications and the post op appointments, the
missed work, and weeks of pain, I angrily vented to Ray over the phone through
tears. In the back of my mind, I heard a soft voice whisper that ever familiar
reminder I am in control, I will provide
for you, but I chose anger, anxiety, and bitterness instead of trust. Sure
enough, the bills were in error and easily taken care of. So I thought.
The other night I ordered my favorite pizza from Mellow
Mushroom (with gfree crust!) with money I did not have to indulge my unhealthy
craving. This meant that I would have to pick up the pizza before going home. I
left work, realizing with a little anxiety that parking may be an issue picking
up the pizza, and felt a few rain drops – then watched with growing anxiety as
rain drop after rain drop hit the windshield of the bus. I had made a rather
impulsive purchase (the kind when you
spend “your money” without really consulting Jesus because you behave like an
entitled owner instead of a wise steward - a later post), and the package had arrived in
the mail earlier while I was at work. While I would normally enjoy the rain, I
knew that I couldn’t return the purchase if it was ruined and wet. Jesus, would you hold off the rain please?
I was wrong to have such a spirit of entitlement, to forget that “my money” is
really yours. I drove to pick up my
pizza, found easy parking, and never even had to wait. I ran back to my car,
the rain kept picking up, and I was still full of quiet tension (nothing more
than suppressed anxiety). I sprinted
home just to find that it had not rained there yet and the UPS man had wrapped
the box in a plastic bag. I had to laugh – after all of the major things the
Lord has taken care of in my life, especially the past few months, I had still
freaked out about silly things like parking, rain, and replaceable contents in
cardboard boxes. I then opened my mail
to find another outrageously incorrect and expensive dentist bill remaining
from my wisdom teeth extraction. Seriously?! While I wasn’t as mad as before, I
was still nervous that it wasn’t a mistake and I might have to pay for it. He had just answered my prayers, though
small and insignificant ones for a parking place, no rain, and a dry shoe box, yet
I missed the joy of it because I had my eyes fixed on a future problem I had no
control over. I had to stop myself –
really, Alex? My immediate and natural response is to go to worry – but Jesus
had continuously proven Himself faithful over and over again in the big and
small aspects of my life.
The very
moment I start to pat myself on the back for “growing” and “trusting” is the
very moment He graciously reminds me it’s all Him. I don't mean that in a malicious way, He simply reminds me to check the focus of my vision. Things like the dentist bill
were another way to show Himself faithful and sovereign, and another
opportunity for me to trust that He is
first and always a loving Father (Linda Dillow, Calm My Anxious Heart).
I am exhausted, but I am excited. I don’t welcome seasons of
one-thing-after-another pounding, but I doubt that I’ve ever been more aware of
God’s consistent provision and grace in any other season as I have been in this
one. I know that I’m not the only one who has been in rough seasons like this
one, it’s honestly becoming more real life than a fleeting season, but I wanted
to be honest and share the hope of Jesus amidst the craziness of everyday life,
significant life change, and physical weakness/recovery. Wherever you find
yourself, it is not haphazard, it is not unplanned or unwisely initiated – you are
never far from the presence and grace of God. Some may point out that tough seasons are
consequences of sin and dumb decisions, and that may be true, but God is still
sovereign and near to the brokenhearted. He encourages us to draw near to Him,
promising that He will draw near to us (James 4:8). At His core, He is a loving and good Father –
something most of us cringe and recoil at hearing because we have a frame of
reference for fallen, absent and/or even abusive human fathers –it is
nonetheless true. There is purpose and intent in whatever season you are in,
friend, and God wastes nothing. God redeems
all things and never wastes anything. Invite Him into your season, your day, your
moments, trusting with joyful expectation that He is for your good (even if it
looks differently from what you think).
all my love,
a
