and the personal...

hmm... it's been interesting praying for brokeness and humility... to be a weak person.

satan totally loves to lie to me... he loves to tell me i don't know who i am, he loves to call that into question, he loves to get me comparing myself to other people, especially my amazing roommates. and he succeeds very often.

total feelings of inadequacy just like swamped me yesterday and the night before... which sucks... Sandy reminded me that Satan just loves for us to dwell on the fact that we're inadequate, but the Lord reminds us that we're adequate not in ourselves, but in Christ. hmm... sometimes i just wish i had it all figured out.

i wish i was grounded in my identity... that I'm a daughter of the Living God... sometimes, most times, i wish i wouldn't compare myself to other people but that i would be completely comfy in my own skin. i wish my faith was bigger, my pride non-existant, my love effective and genuine and expressed, i wish i had patience and self-control, i wish my fear would go away.

the Lord is good... and He's teaching me things... just things that don't feel so great when you go through it... things like trusting His love and grace, both of which are unconditional, even when i am aware of the condition and ugly state of my heart. His standards aren't mine... Halleluia!

He's also conformed stuff... which has been crazy and interesting.... just Him confirming "Yup... I'm teaching you this. Yup... I'm telling you this. Yup... you're my kid, I've told you now BELIEVE and LIVE in that belief, in that knowledge, in My promises. Take me at my word."

so my Jesus is awesome, I don't understand Him, I think He's crazy... but in the best way ever. When I feel like weeping on the floor because I see myself as one big failure, He's like... you're my wife, I've rescued you from this, I saved you from what you couldn't save yourself from.... I love you inspite of you, inspite of what you do, I love you perfectly through the Cross and through redemption... you're acquitted... free! stop judging... I'm not... I've declared you not-guilty... now get off the floor and hug me! Let's make dinner and dance in the kitchen... trust trust trust my love, beloved."

hmm....
grace and peace.