oh mondays....

since our internet went out yesterday, this is a late posting of Monday's blog:
Well, it’s official. I am now a RN on VUMC’s post-partum floor!!! I’m so happy to have a home unit, a more routine schedule, and a great job on day shift. My managers and my nurse educator are wonderful, and I’m excited to be working with other girls from my residency “cohort.” While I’m excited, I think it would be misleading to say that I felt this excited when I got my assignment.

Of the entire Women’s Health group, all of us chose a particular unit for our “first choice.”  Of course, not everyone could be placed on that unit – so half of us knew we would be placed with another team. All of the teams were great, so it’s not like you would be placed in an unbearable position. That being said, I was still disappointed that I didn’t get my “first choice” when I read my initial assignment. Then I remembered what I had been praying these past few days – and that tinge of disappointment began to not sting so badly.

I was on the phone with a friend a few days ago, and it struck me at how very differently our lives had turned out. Both of us never imagined that we would be where we are today, and yet God’s faithfulness has been so evident in our lives. It is clear that He has brought each of us to where we are today in His sovereignty and by His grace. Though I never saw any of this coming, I am so blessed that my Father knows me better than I know myself. In everything, He has orchestrated all things, circumstances, and relationships for my good and for His glory – most of the time in spite of me. 

Here are some prayers that He has answered just in getting my assignment:

1.       My prayer would be that He would place me in the unit that would be best for me, whether or not that was my first choice. Check.

2.       My holiday schedule coincides with my family’s holiday schedule – I’m scheduled to have even years of Thanksgiving off, so I can see my beloved family and celebrate with them. It’s my favorite time of the year.

3.       I’ll be working on day shift – which is such a blessing as my immune system struggles during night shift rotations. It also makes it easier to change to nights if I want to down the road.

4.       The nurses on post-partum work so well together. I’ve never heard them gossip or tear each other down. I’m excited to work on a unit where the team encourages one another.

I don’t know where this hits you. Maybe you’re in a place where everything is going your way and life is great. Praise Him. Maybe you’re in a place where you didn’t get what you wanted or expected, and it’s harder to find the positives in your situation. Friend, I say this coming from a place of learning – praise Him. It’s hard, and I rarely get it right, but it’s how we learn to trust His wisdom over our own. Maybe you’re in a position full of indecision and uncertainty – rest assured, He knows you completely and will provide for you, meeting all of your needs out of His glorious riches in Christ Jesus, our Lord.

Again, I’m learning – one step forward, a few leaps backwards – but He who called us is faithful to keep us.

<3 a

ps: speaking of learning, last night i learned what a "margarona" was... whoever invented it was creative enough to toss in a Corona upside down into a margarita. how did i learn this? celebrating birthdays and friendships at a local Mexican restaurant. i'm thankful for friendly faces.

in the trenches

It’s amazing how a relatively chill thing can implode with a single, seemingly insignificant trigger. After tossing and turning in bed for almost an hour, I find myself here – munching on saltines, in the quite of my apartment, trying to figure out how I got here.

 I’m angry – but why? Anger is rarely a primary emotion. I’m hurt – but by what? and why such a strong reaction to something so ordinary? I’d like to let it go, but every time it comes back around my defenses go right back up. I see the toll – I feel it. It’s heavy and cold – the kind of weight that makes you not want to come around anymore. I can blame, point fingers, and list off a million things that contributed to this wedge – but I’m responsible, too. I’ve wounded and broken, too. And while everything in me wants to scream out, “BUT”, none of the protesting will fix anything at all.

 I want peace, but I’ve been unwilling to lay down my arms. I want to love, but I’ve let resentment take root in the soil of unmet expectations. I want to forgive, but I’ve clung stubbornly to my pride and self-righteousness. All the good that I want to do I don’t – while what I don’t want to do, I do. I know I’m not alone in that.

 That Jesus might open my eyes to how much I’ve been forgiven – that He might open my eyes to see as He sees. That He might soften my heart and teach me to receive His grace and mercy. That it might overflow into my relationships. That He might draw me closer and closer to Himself, that I might hear and heed His whisper to come to Him, and to lay these burdens at His feet. To take on His yoke – for it is easy and light. To trust that His commands are for my good and His glory, and that His grace is sufficient for my every need, for His power is made perfect in my weakness.  That restoration and healing would happen in this place – so that everyone may know that our God alone restores and reestablishes that which has been broken.

<3 a

six weeks

It’s Friday night and I’m settled into my couch with a glass of Pinot Noir and Lars and the Real Girl. Dinner was an improvised form of ziti and dessert came in the form of a Ben and Jerry’s container with a spoon…let it be known that I didn’t eat the entire pint J That would be too cliché. Earlier today I balanced and budgeted finances (sorta), met some friends from college at a local coffee shop (such a blessing), and ran some errands. I bought a dress I didn’t budget for, and spent money I didn’t need to on a set of wine glasses and some Indian spices (recipes to experiment with and share will come, I promise).  Right now, in this moment, my life seems pathetically ordinary, boring maybe, but sweet.

I came home from work Thursday night completely ecstatic. My last day of rotation was by far my favorite, and not just because it was on L&D. My preceptor was incredible, my patient delivered a healthy baby like a champ, and I didn’t stop or eat lunch until 3:30pm. I walked out of the hospital having worked a half hour later than I was supposed to, but I was too thrilled to care. Whether or not I’m placed on L&D, I’m one blessed woman and I like my job so far.

I spoke with Mama John on the phone today. I love me some Mama John. We’ve played phone tag for about two weeks, and her voicemails have a way of warming and breaking my heart all at the same time. Warm because I have the love of such an incredible elder and broken because she’s afraid I’ll forget her. I wish she knew how impossible that would be – I’ve adopted her as my grandmother for a while now. She asked me if I’d met anyone “exciting.” She mentioned waiting for a phone call one day from me saying, “I’m married!”  As I sit here with my glass of wine, I have to smile – what do I know about dating? She told me things like, “You have plenty of time” (in a way that didn’t make me uncomfortable in my singleness) and “I love you” and “I pray over you, that you might know the hope that you have in Christ Jesus, and the peace and joy of Jesus – hope that does not disappoint” and she always says “Bye-bye darlin’” when she hangs up the phone.  

I’ve been living in Nashville now for 6 weeks now – six weeks of an emotional roller coaster. Six weeks of insane highs followed by incredible lows. Six weeks full of richness, laughter, loneliness, and tears – moments of sheer bliss followed by moments of utter frustration. There have been moments of raw vulnerability and confession, followed by moments of stubborn and obstinate pride. As awful as an emotional rollercoaster sounds (and is), it has been a beautifully challenging six weeks.

 Simplicity has become somewhat of a theme over these past few weeks. The reality that life is complicated can’t be denied. However, as the weeks have rolled on, I’ve felt this incredible desire for simplicity in my walk with Jesus. Things just don’t seem so complicated with Him – they seem hard, but straight forward: Come to me. Love the Lord your God with all of your heart, soul, mind and strength. Love your neighbor as yourself. Pray for your enemies. Take care of the widow and the orphan. Feed the hungry. Clothe and care for the “least of these.” Go. Make disciples. Teach. Obey. Rest. Trust. In other words – “Come to me – bring all of you, the good, bad and ugly, and rest in my love. When you come to me in confession, it draws you closer to me and deeper into the reality of my grace. These resources I’ve blessed you with – use them to bless others. I mean what I’ve said in My Word.” While the application may get a little complicated, the reality that my faith is and should be practically lived out is a place where I want to dwell.  What I’m finding is that it’s freeing to take Jesus at His word. There’s freedom in confession. Freedom in feeding the hungry. Freedom in loving the widow. Freedom in obedience.

Forgive the random post. 
<3 a

from yesterday...

Today was one of those slow Saturdays – I slept in really late because my time clock was off from working nights. Having not slept but 3 hours the day before, I woke up from nice 11 hour slumber and stayed in bed for an hour just getting acquainted with the day.  My roommate and her parents had gone car shopping earlier that morning, and so I had the whole apartment to myself. I did a few easy chores, watched a bit of The Patriot (always a favorite of Mel Gibson’s films), made some breakfast (at 1pm) and took it easy before meeting an old friend for coffee.
On my way to get coffee (which neither of us really drink), I got incredibly lost and wound up in East Nashville. There was this really cute festival that blocked off a couple streets in Five Points. Taylor met me there and we wandered around for a bit before settling into a corner table in a nearby coffee shop.

One of the things that I’ve loved about Nashville so far has been the culture. I’ve seen so many different kinds of people with vastly different styles, smells, languages, and ways about them. From the super wealthy to the poorest poor – it feels like a Southern melting pot that I never saw back home in South Carolina. I’m not really a city person, but I love the vibrant differences and quirks I’ve seen here so far – especially on the East side of town.

There is a scene in The Patriot that struck me today and almost brought me to tears. When he comes home from battle, he greets his little girl and she runs from him. Before leaving again for war, his daughter won’t speak to him at all – and all he wants is for her to say goodbye to him. As he walks away, the girl breaks into tears and runs after him – begging him not to go. He says that he’ll come back, and asks her if she believes him. Not to spiritualize the movie, but it made me think - I wonder how it feels when I do the same thing to Jesus.

How often have I run from His presence?

How often has He asked me to speak with Him and I’ve remained silent?

Chesed – it’s that unrelenting pursuit and love that He has for me. How often do I embrace it, rest in it, trust it?

Monday marked my one month anniversary in this new place. It has been incredibly challenging to process with the busy-ness of work. I’m ready to be through with rotations and assigned to a unit. I’m ready for some semblance of a routine that might open up avenues to having a life outside of the hospital. It’s been incredibly hard some days, but this whole time has been such a sweet reminder of how blessed I am and how gracious my God is. I feel like I’m constantly missing the mark, but all the more reminded and challenged to trust His word and faithfulness, rather than in my feelings or perspectives. I’m so thankful for His patience with me.

<3 a

something for your taste buds...

I was recently blessed with a scholarship from some lovely nurses through the SC Baptist Hospital Nurses Alumnae Association. Along with the scholarship, they gave me a copy of their cook book. Full of tasty sounding recipes - I endeavored to attempt a Red Velvet Cake again.  My first attempt was a disasterous effort - and I will never use that online recipe again :)
This recipe is from Mrs. Clara Thomas - she also makes an incredible Italian Cream Cake (which is next on the list).

Red Velvet Cake

Cake:

1 c butter (at room temperature)                                                             2 c sugar

3 eggs (room temperature)                                                                         1 T vinegar
2 T cocoa                                                                                                              2 tsp vanilla
1 tsp baking soda                                                                                             ½ tsp salt
½ tsp baking powder                                                                                      1 c buttermilk
3 c all purpose flour                                                                                         2 oz red food coloring

 Cream butter with sugar in mixing bowl until creamy. Add eggs, one at a time, mixing well after each addition. Mix the food coloring and cocoa together in a paste; add to the mixing bowl. Add vanilla. Pour buttermilk into the cup that contained the cocoa paste and stir to get all of the coloring. Add the baking soda to the buttermilk.  In a separate bowl, add the salt and baking powder to the sifted flour. Alternate adding the flour mixture and the buttermilk into the mixing bowl. Then add the vinegar. Beat well. Grease and flour 3 9-inch cake pans. Line the bottom of cake pans with parchment paper (or waxed paper). Divide batter into the pans and bake at 325F for 25-30 minutes or until done.

Cream Cheese Icing

1 8 oz pkg cream cheese
1 stick butter                                                      1 box confectioner’s sugar
1 tsp vanilla                                                         1 c chopped nuts (optional)

 Beat cheese and margarine until well blended and fluffy. Add sugar. Mix well. Add vanilla (and nuts) until smooth. Spread on layers and sides.

I hope you enjoy it :) Love from Nashville...

<3 a