tonight i wanted to crawl into a hole, curl up in a ball, cry a little, and go back to a happy place with happy guests, happy bosses, and happy servers... instead, i had upset customers, an angry server and two unhappy, frustrated bosses.
i messed up.
the kind of mess-up that leaves four guests at a table for about 20 minutes with no server.
the kind of mess-up that lands you getting yelled at by that server because they think they'll be yelled at like its their fault.
the kind of mess-up that makes you wonder what would be worse - being fired and getting to leave, or having to suffer at the host stand by yourself while you watch the irate server give a detailed account (complete with hand gestures and glares in your direction) to his girlfriend (a fellow server) AND your boss about how you ruined his night.
of course both bosses took a more gentle approach in correcting the mistake i willingly admitted that i made. i still have a job, and they showed me a lot of grace. to make it a little worse, the irate server managed to fall and break a plate later that night. i'm sure that added even more anger to his storytelling about the incompetent hostess.
so while i stood suffering at the host stand by myself, i started to remind myself of Scriptures and attempted to talk myself into believing that they were reality and that this situation was not a big deal. it kinda worked. for starters - i'm saved by grace through faith and not by works - and God has sealed me with the Holy Spirit, a deposit guarenteeing my inheritance. He's not man that He should lie, nor a Son of Man that He should change His mind, He won't leave me nor forsake me. He's got good plans for me, to prosper me and not to harm me, to give me a hope and a future. He listens to me, and He's found by me when I seek Him. He longs to give me good things and He provides exactly what I need. In this world I might have trouble, but He's overcome the world. Though I may fail and though I am unfaithful, He never fails and His grace is sufficient for me. His power is made perfect in my weakness - and He is exactly who I want people to see. Though I am incompetent and inefficient, He is competent, and my efficiency comes from Him.
tonight, even after a 3 hour "workshop" on how to do my job right, I completely failed at a simple and elementary aspect of being a host... letting a server know he's got a table. in a restaurant, that's a big deal. in life - not so much. it hurts to disapoint people and to upset them, it hurts like mess... but Jesus doesn't love me any less because I failed tonight. He's not in heaven going irate with the server - and if my superiors were gracious, how much more gracious is He towards me?
wow.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Thursday, May 28, 2009
i should be asleep
patience
i was driving to work the other day and i was thinking about things. among those things was something a flirty coworker said in passing. as i'm driving to work i just started praying. my heart was aching - you know like that ache you get when you really really want or wish for something. i realized that my life was turning out differently than i once thought it might. i thought that maybe i'd go off to school, meet someone by my sophomore year, get married out of school and have a family. haha.
its scary to have conflicting dreams. there's so much i want to do with my life and none of it do i want to do alone - and i know that the truth is i'm never alone, but you know. at the same time, there was a sweet moment of surrender in the car on the way to work.
my life is turning out differently than i once thought. i never planned my wedding as a kid or had serious thoughts about prince charming - but i think the heart longs for companionship and intimacy. and although its different than i might have imagined, my life is good. in the deep kind of way, it's good because the Lord has His hand on me.
one of my dear friends was telling me about a bold comment one of our brothers in Christ said to her - they were talking about getting married and she made the comment that she hoped she would one day - his response was that he was confident that he would, because it was a desire the Lord had laid on his heart. i loved hearing her retell the story.
the subject of relationships has come up a lot for me recently, that's why i'm word-vomiting now. i think i'm at a place where the Lord knows my heart about such things - we've had some good chats - but really, I'm learning that He's got it. He's had his hand on me since before I was born, He placed me at the right school with the flip of a coin, He's provided everything I've needed and almost everything I've wanted, and I'm confident that as I learn to delight myself in Him, He'll give me the desires of my heart. I'm pretty sure that as I delight myself in Him, my desires will become more like His desires - that's the prayer anyways.
so it's 11:32pm, and the house at 211 Holladay Rd is silent save a few croaking frogs and the tapping of a dancing keyboard. there's a 21 year old woman sitting indian-style on a hard wooden chair punching out streams of thoughts, thinking about how much she may regret staying up this late when her alarm buzzes in the morning. the thing about this scene - the things that you can't hear, see, or invision are her thoughts. they come, weaving in and out of each other into one tangled mess of gratefulness, uncertainty, excitement, and confidence. though its silent, she's not alone. there's a presence with her that's confident, sovereign, and affectionate. on her own she's uncertain, but her confidence increases the moment she chooses to belief that He's got it.
i was driving to work the other day and i was thinking about things. among those things was something a flirty coworker said in passing. as i'm driving to work i just started praying. my heart was aching - you know like that ache you get when you really really want or wish for something. i realized that my life was turning out differently than i once thought it might. i thought that maybe i'd go off to school, meet someone by my sophomore year, get married out of school and have a family. haha.
its scary to have conflicting dreams. there's so much i want to do with my life and none of it do i want to do alone - and i know that the truth is i'm never alone, but you know. at the same time, there was a sweet moment of surrender in the car on the way to work.
my life is turning out differently than i once thought. i never planned my wedding as a kid or had serious thoughts about prince charming - but i think the heart longs for companionship and intimacy. and although its different than i might have imagined, my life is good. in the deep kind of way, it's good because the Lord has His hand on me.
one of my dear friends was telling me about a bold comment one of our brothers in Christ said to her - they were talking about getting married and she made the comment that she hoped she would one day - his response was that he was confident that he would, because it was a desire the Lord had laid on his heart. i loved hearing her retell the story.
the subject of relationships has come up a lot for me recently, that's why i'm word-vomiting now. i think i'm at a place where the Lord knows my heart about such things - we've had some good chats - but really, I'm learning that He's got it. He's had his hand on me since before I was born, He placed me at the right school with the flip of a coin, He's provided everything I've needed and almost everything I've wanted, and I'm confident that as I learn to delight myself in Him, He'll give me the desires of my heart. I'm pretty sure that as I delight myself in Him, my desires will become more like His desires - that's the prayer anyways.
so it's 11:32pm, and the house at 211 Holladay Rd is silent save a few croaking frogs and the tapping of a dancing keyboard. there's a 21 year old woman sitting indian-style on a hard wooden chair punching out streams of thoughts, thinking about how much she may regret staying up this late when her alarm buzzes in the morning. the thing about this scene - the things that you can't hear, see, or invision are her thoughts. they come, weaving in and out of each other into one tangled mess of gratefulness, uncertainty, excitement, and confidence. though its silent, she's not alone. there's a presence with her that's confident, sovereign, and affectionate. on her own she's uncertain, but her confidence increases the moment she chooses to belief that He's got it.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
provision
a few weeks ago, around the 4th of May, I sent out support letters for my mission trip this summer. i'd signed up to go to Costa Rica again with the youth group at Gateway, but i didn't have the money. i figured if God provided the funds than He was opening the door - and that's what I prayed, that He'd open and close doors, that He'd provide.
the next week I got a week-old letter from the church saying how much money I owed. (since we moved, i've been getting mail late) the letter had a balance on it - saying that i owed $1300 (the trip was $1400 and i had paid a $100 deposit when i signed up - so i had all of the money to raise). I made a face and had the mindset that if the money didn't come in, i wasn't going. i was okay with that, or prepared to be okay with that.
this past week i got another postcard from the church, again it was a week old - it had a balance on it. $550.
i was so excited. in just a couple weeks people had given me $750 dollars to go to Costa Rica.... i was so excited.
that was monday.
yesterday (tuesday) i went to the church to fill out some paperwork, etc. for the trip, and mrs donna opened up another check for me, crunched some numbers, wrote out a list of names of those who had given me money and gave me my final balance - $475.
on the list there were 4 names.
in the past three weeks, 4 couples/families gave $825 to help me go to Costa Rica. that's a lot. that's quick. and knowing the financial crunch that so many are experiencing - that's even more of a sacrifice.
so i'm learning to trust. $1400 is nothing compared to what the Lord has, its a drop in the bucket if that. but it's big for me - it's more than I have. all He asks is that I trust Him - that I seek Him with all of my heart - that I keep my eyes on Him. even though it's much easier for me to worry and stress - trusting Him is so much better.
the next week I got a week-old letter from the church saying how much money I owed. (since we moved, i've been getting mail late) the letter had a balance on it - saying that i owed $1300 (the trip was $1400 and i had paid a $100 deposit when i signed up - so i had all of the money to raise). I made a face and had the mindset that if the money didn't come in, i wasn't going. i was okay with that, or prepared to be okay with that.
this past week i got another postcard from the church, again it was a week old - it had a balance on it. $550.
i was so excited. in just a couple weeks people had given me $750 dollars to go to Costa Rica.... i was so excited.
that was monday.
yesterday (tuesday) i went to the church to fill out some paperwork, etc. for the trip, and mrs donna opened up another check for me, crunched some numbers, wrote out a list of names of those who had given me money and gave me my final balance - $475.
on the list there were 4 names.
in the past three weeks, 4 couples/families gave $825 to help me go to Costa Rica. that's a lot. that's quick. and knowing the financial crunch that so many are experiencing - that's even more of a sacrifice.
so i'm learning to trust. $1400 is nothing compared to what the Lord has, its a drop in the bucket if that. but it's big for me - it's more than I have. all He asks is that I trust Him - that I seek Him with all of my heart - that I keep my eyes on Him. even though it's much easier for me to worry and stress - trusting Him is so much better.
Monday, May 25, 2009
21
jesus calls me daughter.
daughter
he yearns for me.
he longs to shower me with his great compassion
he forgives me fully and remembers my sins no more
his grace is sufficient for me
oh that he keeps teaching me.
happy birthday.
daughter
he yearns for me.
he longs to shower me with his great compassion
he forgives me fully and remembers my sins no more
his grace is sufficient for me
oh that he keeps teaching me.
happy birthday.
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
parents and permits
today i had to get a new drivers license and the lady at the desk asked me if was there to get my permit.
today i got frustrated with my mom for being such a mom when i just wanted to be independent in the kitchen.
today i was prideful and forgot that that's how my mom loves - by offering and doing without offering.
today i was disrespectful because i was sick of being thought of or treated as though i'm 15.
today i acted 15.
shucks.
today i got frustrated with my mom for being such a mom when i just wanted to be independent in the kitchen.
today i was prideful and forgot that that's how my mom loves - by offering and doing without offering.
today i was disrespectful because i was sick of being thought of or treated as though i'm 15.
today i acted 15.
shucks.
Friday, May 15, 2009
back to work
so i'm back in columbia... people keep asking me if i'm home, and i guess i am, but i'm home in clemson too. this reattaching-detaching stuff doesn't get easier, but i'm back
being back for the summer means being back at work - lovely fun. really, i do like my job... i even like the people i work with - how many people get that?
so tonight at work, while my legs were killing me and i was wishing i could be both home and getting paid at the same time, i sat a couple in a booth like normal. i always love seating happy people - not just happy but joyful people - and this couple was joyful. the lady touched my shoulder and complimented my shirt, calling it adorable and darling. i liked her - she was fun. so i said my speech, did the routine, and told them to enjoy their night before leaving the table and going to seat other people and bus other tables. as i was clearing a table near the couple, i noticed them holding hands and praying over their food... it wasn't just a normal 'bow your head for five seconds and say grace' kinda prayer - it was earnest in their expressions. with their eyes closed, she was praying and he was agreeing with her by nodding his head. it was cool to watch. about an hour or so later one of my coworkers came up and said that the man had just proposed. i glanced at the table and could tell she had accepted, a bit later they were walking out and i congratulated her - she gladly showed off her ring and told me that she had never been married before, and now on her 47th birthday she was engaged. she had the greatest smile on her face. it was awesome.
so as i was driving home, i was thinking about the lady and how she waited 47 years just to be engaged. that's a long time, but you could tell just by looking at her that she wasn't settling for just any man, and that she was perfectly content. there was no grumbling, no regret, just sheer joy that she was engaged.
this woman waited for 47 years.
that's awesome.
being back for the summer means being back at work - lovely fun. really, i do like my job... i even like the people i work with - how many people get that?
so tonight at work, while my legs were killing me and i was wishing i could be both home and getting paid at the same time, i sat a couple in a booth like normal. i always love seating happy people - not just happy but joyful people - and this couple was joyful. the lady touched my shoulder and complimented my shirt, calling it adorable and darling. i liked her - she was fun. so i said my speech, did the routine, and told them to enjoy their night before leaving the table and going to seat other people and bus other tables. as i was clearing a table near the couple, i noticed them holding hands and praying over their food... it wasn't just a normal 'bow your head for five seconds and say grace' kinda prayer - it was earnest in their expressions. with their eyes closed, she was praying and he was agreeing with her by nodding his head. it was cool to watch. about an hour or so later one of my coworkers came up and said that the man had just proposed. i glanced at the table and could tell she had accepted, a bit later they were walking out and i congratulated her - she gladly showed off her ring and told me that she had never been married before, and now on her 47th birthday she was engaged. she had the greatest smile on her face. it was awesome.
so as i was driving home, i was thinking about the lady and how she waited 47 years just to be engaged. that's a long time, but you could tell just by looking at her that she wasn't settling for just any man, and that she was perfectly content. there was no grumbling, no regret, just sheer joy that she was engaged.
this woman waited for 47 years.
that's awesome.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
beaches and wheelchairs
today i witness something beautiful.
i came down to savannah to see my family and go to the beach - it took getting past a lot of indecisiveness in coming because it was supposed to rain all week. anyways, i'm here now and today i went to the beach with my aunt for a couple of hours.
i love the beach - i love the breeze and the sun, the water and the sand, and the sounds of the beach. i love how uninhibited people are and how confident they appear to be at the beach - i love watching little kids build sand castles and even adore it more when it's me, my brothers and my mom building one of our own. i like just laying there, maybe reading maybe not - but just being. and while all these things make the beach beautiful to me, today i saw something that made it even more lovely.
there's a couple in tybee island, i saw them over spring break and again today. he's black and she's white, they're both older - which i mention only so you can get an idea of what they look like. today, he wore black cotton pants and a white tee with a black baseball cap, she wore loose fitting pants that she could pull up, a tan brace around her wrist, and sunglasses that moved from her face to her hair, which was pulled back in a pony tail. i don't know how they're related - maybe they're friends, lovers, married, dating - maybe they're all of those things combined. today - they were beautiful.
in a strength unpossessed by any body builder i've ever seen, he battled the strength and the crazy breeze, wheeling her down the beach to the ocean in her wheelchair. the beach was not smooth, in fact it dipped a bit with some deep sand before leveling out. the mini "cliff" of sand was hard enough to walk up because your feet would sink down into it, but they made it down to the ocean and "parked." she had pulled up her pajama-like pants and put her feet into the water, and he stood, unwavering, behind her for about an hour.
the tide came in fast - a bit too fast, and me and my aunt went to move our chairs up a bit. we set our stuff down and then noticed that the water had softened the sand underneath the woman's chair and the man was having a hard time pulling her back. he tried, but the slippery sand caught him and he fell backwards. my aunt ran over to help him up and together with another passerby they moved the woman back from the rising water. they stayed down at the water's edge for a while longer before thanking my aunt and moving back up the beach. i watched him as he tried to get up the difficult dip in the deep sand again. he tried, and was slowly succeeding until another man walking by helped him in the final push. i was trying not to stare but it was so hard not too - it was like i was transfixed - fascinated by this picture.
still staring, i watched as this man made sure the woman was comfortably in place, before going to sit down in his chair - i stared harder as she brushed off the wet sand remaining on his back after his fall, and then watched him sit down. to my surprise, i watched him take a seat in his own wheelchair.
a few minutes later we packed up our things and began heading back to the car, where we passed the couple one more time before leaving. we wished them a good afternoon and they said thank you once again, and that was it.
still, the image is preciously burned into my mind. it was a beautiful image of strength, love, commitment, and humility. it demonstrated a love for the little things - like just feeling the water with your feet, or standing faithfully beside, behind, and with the one that you love. it was a picture of sacrefice - he didn't complain, or argue that she should push him down to the water - instead, he braved the uncomfortable so that she might experience a bit of joy.
maybe i'm reading into it way to much - but i don't care. it's still beautiful.
i came down to savannah to see my family and go to the beach - it took getting past a lot of indecisiveness in coming because it was supposed to rain all week. anyways, i'm here now and today i went to the beach with my aunt for a couple of hours.
i love the beach - i love the breeze and the sun, the water and the sand, and the sounds of the beach. i love how uninhibited people are and how confident they appear to be at the beach - i love watching little kids build sand castles and even adore it more when it's me, my brothers and my mom building one of our own. i like just laying there, maybe reading maybe not - but just being. and while all these things make the beach beautiful to me, today i saw something that made it even more lovely.
there's a couple in tybee island, i saw them over spring break and again today. he's black and she's white, they're both older - which i mention only so you can get an idea of what they look like. today, he wore black cotton pants and a white tee with a black baseball cap, she wore loose fitting pants that she could pull up, a tan brace around her wrist, and sunglasses that moved from her face to her hair, which was pulled back in a pony tail. i don't know how they're related - maybe they're friends, lovers, married, dating - maybe they're all of those things combined. today - they were beautiful.
in a strength unpossessed by any body builder i've ever seen, he battled the strength and the crazy breeze, wheeling her down the beach to the ocean in her wheelchair. the beach was not smooth, in fact it dipped a bit with some deep sand before leveling out. the mini "cliff" of sand was hard enough to walk up because your feet would sink down into it, but they made it down to the ocean and "parked." she had pulled up her pajama-like pants and put her feet into the water, and he stood, unwavering, behind her for about an hour.
the tide came in fast - a bit too fast, and me and my aunt went to move our chairs up a bit. we set our stuff down and then noticed that the water had softened the sand underneath the woman's chair and the man was having a hard time pulling her back. he tried, but the slippery sand caught him and he fell backwards. my aunt ran over to help him up and together with another passerby they moved the woman back from the rising water. they stayed down at the water's edge for a while longer before thanking my aunt and moving back up the beach. i watched him as he tried to get up the difficult dip in the deep sand again. he tried, and was slowly succeeding until another man walking by helped him in the final push. i was trying not to stare but it was so hard not too - it was like i was transfixed - fascinated by this picture.
still staring, i watched as this man made sure the woman was comfortably in place, before going to sit down in his chair - i stared harder as she brushed off the wet sand remaining on his back after his fall, and then watched him sit down. to my surprise, i watched him take a seat in his own wheelchair.
a few minutes later we packed up our things and began heading back to the car, where we passed the couple one more time before leaving. we wished them a good afternoon and they said thank you once again, and that was it.
still, the image is preciously burned into my mind. it was a beautiful image of strength, love, commitment, and humility. it demonstrated a love for the little things - like just feeling the water with your feet, or standing faithfully beside, behind, and with the one that you love. it was a picture of sacrefice - he didn't complain, or argue that she should push him down to the water - instead, he braved the uncomfortable so that she might experience a bit of joy.
maybe i'm reading into it way to much - but i don't care. it's still beautiful.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
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