Tuesday, January 26, 2010
adulthood
externship updates::: got calls from two places, two interviews, 1 day. how to keep them straight? yay!!! why did i stress so - do you not know? have you not heard? Jesus has it.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
suprising myself
I suppose it’s been a while – but not as long as it feels. It’s funny – in the past few days I’ve noticed some things about myself
1. I’ve had incredible urges to say rather bold and ridiculous things to strangers – at least bold and ridiculous for me because I rarely talk to strangers if I can help it. For example – there was a guy on the bus who had beautiful eyes (this sounds creepy – but it wasn’t like a “you’re so attractive I want to date you” kind of thing – it was just that he had pretty eyes) and I so badly wanted to tell him that he had beautiful eyes. Don’t worry – I didn’t. The thing is – there are days when, if a total stranger were to notice or compliment me, not in a fake way but just in a genuine-I’m-never-going-to-see-you-again-you-should-know- kind of way, it would be so encouraging. But I’m a girl – and of course any girl likes to hear she has nice eyes I’m sure. Moving on.
2. I’ve encountered topics in conversation such as predestination, interracial dating, politics of war and economic aid, etc. All of which have been pretty controversial in nature, but the conversations have been quite amiable. It’s not come from a spirit that wants to be argumentative or right, but more of one that’s open to wanting to genuinely hear the other person’s views. We might not agree – that’s not even the issue – it’s just hearing people out and really wanting to learn about people and what they believe about things. It might not change what I believe or what they believe – even that’s not the point – it’s just dialogue – dialogue that not many want to participate in. It’s been surprisingly sweet.
3. I’ve been incredibly content in my singleness – a thought that didn’t really occur to me until the other day when I met a lovely and attractive, Jesus-loving, patient and encouraging, funny and talented man. While we (girls, of course) laughed and giggled and while I turned pink during girly conversations about it – while I let myself be ridiculous – the inner-middle-school girl didn’t seem as overwhelming as the content girl in me. Sure, if he had been like “you are the most gorgeous woman I have ever seen in my life and I can’t sleep at night until you agree to go out with me…” I would’ve most likely laughed at the cheesiness but said “Yes” right away. But it’s such a silly thought to entertain – and that’s just it – the entertaining. It’s only good for about five minutes and then you realize that you’re good without it. You’d be good with it, but you’re really completely happy as you are. This brings me back to the boldness and having the urge to say random, ridiculous things to strangers. In that moment I wondered what honesty would do to him, other than freak him out. I wondered what he’d think if I told him what I thought – If I told him that Jesus was evident in him. That I found him to be a patient, encouraging, funny, light-hearted, incredibly attractive man who had the simple talent of teaching that every student wishes their teachers would have. That I’d say yes if he asked me out – not because I’m desperate (though that’s what everyone says), but because it’d be lovely just to get to know him. And what most surprised me – was that this was all so matter-of-fact honest and not as wishy-washy emotional chic-flick crap blah as it seems on paper.
4. I was reminded of my beginning – of the Sovereign hand of the Lord in my life today – and it made me realize that things were so much better when I was utterly helpless and out of control… He was given so much glory and His purposes completely and perfectly fulfilled without this ongoing battle of me wanting to be in control – the battle that scars and disrupts intimacy with him – and I felt like Israel – forgetting how good and gracious my God is – the one, true, Living God. Life is so much better when He’s my life – giving in feels rather good. None of this discontentment with being single or anxiety about living up to culture’s standards – just a sweet kind of freedom I wish to stay and hang in. struggle still exists, the fight for my vision and attention hasn’t gone away – but it’s quiet here for tonight.
1. I’ve had incredible urges to say rather bold and ridiculous things to strangers – at least bold and ridiculous for me because I rarely talk to strangers if I can help it. For example – there was a guy on the bus who had beautiful eyes (this sounds creepy – but it wasn’t like a “you’re so attractive I want to date you” kind of thing – it was just that he had pretty eyes) and I so badly wanted to tell him that he had beautiful eyes. Don’t worry – I didn’t. The thing is – there are days when, if a total stranger were to notice or compliment me, not in a fake way but just in a genuine-I’m-never-going-to-see-you-again-you-should-know- kind of way, it would be so encouraging. But I’m a girl – and of course any girl likes to hear she has nice eyes I’m sure. Moving on.
2. I’ve encountered topics in conversation such as predestination, interracial dating, politics of war and economic aid, etc. All of which have been pretty controversial in nature, but the conversations have been quite amiable. It’s not come from a spirit that wants to be argumentative or right, but more of one that’s open to wanting to genuinely hear the other person’s views. We might not agree – that’s not even the issue – it’s just hearing people out and really wanting to learn about people and what they believe about things. It might not change what I believe or what they believe – even that’s not the point – it’s just dialogue – dialogue that not many want to participate in. It’s been surprisingly sweet.
3. I’ve been incredibly content in my singleness – a thought that didn’t really occur to me until the other day when I met a lovely and attractive, Jesus-loving, patient and encouraging, funny and talented man. While we (girls, of course) laughed and giggled and while I turned pink during girly conversations about it – while I let myself be ridiculous – the inner-middle-school girl didn’t seem as overwhelming as the content girl in me. Sure, if he had been like “you are the most gorgeous woman I have ever seen in my life and I can’t sleep at night until you agree to go out with me…” I would’ve most likely laughed at the cheesiness but said “Yes” right away. But it’s such a silly thought to entertain – and that’s just it – the entertaining. It’s only good for about five minutes and then you realize that you’re good without it. You’d be good with it, but you’re really completely happy as you are. This brings me back to the boldness and having the urge to say random, ridiculous things to strangers. In that moment I wondered what honesty would do to him, other than freak him out. I wondered what he’d think if I told him what I thought – If I told him that Jesus was evident in him. That I found him to be a patient, encouraging, funny, light-hearted, incredibly attractive man who had the simple talent of teaching that every student wishes their teachers would have. That I’d say yes if he asked me out – not because I’m desperate (though that’s what everyone says), but because it’d be lovely just to get to know him. And what most surprised me – was that this was all so matter-of-fact honest and not as wishy-washy emotional chic-flick crap blah as it seems on paper.
4. I was reminded of my beginning – of the Sovereign hand of the Lord in my life today – and it made me realize that things were so much better when I was utterly helpless and out of control… He was given so much glory and His purposes completely and perfectly fulfilled without this ongoing battle of me wanting to be in control – the battle that scars and disrupts intimacy with him – and I felt like Israel – forgetting how good and gracious my God is – the one, true, Living God. Life is so much better when He’s my life – giving in feels rather good. None of this discontentment with being single or anxiety about living up to culture’s standards – just a sweet kind of freedom I wish to stay and hang in. struggle still exists, the fight for my vision and attention hasn’t gone away – but it’s quiet here for tonight.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Prayer Song
Father God, Son and Spirit come and stir up our hearts
Strip away all of our idols, our pride and self-centeredness
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus awaken us
Breath of Justice come upon us – arm our worship with action
Flood of Love, ever- flowing, overwhelm our hearts of stone.
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus awaken us
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus awaken us.
We beg for Godly sorrow – true repentance
We give you back our gifts and talents, all that we are. (For your name’s sake)
You alone can change us. You alone can heal us.
Come have your way among us Holy God. (For your glory)
Jesus, (Don’t fall asleep..) Jesus, (Don’t fall asleep) Jesus awaken us
Declaring: "Wake up, O sleeper,
rise from the dead,
and Christ will shine on you."
Strip away all of our idols, our pride and self-centeredness
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus awaken us
Breath of Justice come upon us – arm our worship with action
Flood of Love, ever- flowing, overwhelm our hearts of stone.
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus awaken us
Jesus, Jesus, Jesus awaken us.
We beg for Godly sorrow – true repentance
We give you back our gifts and talents, all that we are. (For your name’s sake)
You alone can change us. You alone can heal us.
Come have your way among us Holy God. (For your glory)
Jesus, (Don’t fall asleep..) Jesus, (Don’t fall asleep) Jesus awaken us
Declaring: "Wake up, O sleeper,
rise from the dead,
and Christ will shine on you."
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