My freshmen year of college I was driving home after a spiritually heavy week. I had the blessing of being prayed over by a guy who had a very similar struggle with anxiety attacks, panic, and depression – only he had been delivered from it. So when I say heavy, I don’t mean bad – I just mean there was a lot going on. Anyway, I was driving home and I had this vision – or picture, or daydream – whatever. I was wearing a white dress and standing alone outside a stone chapel. It was my wedding day and I was the only one left to walk into the church. For some reason, I was afraid. I didn’t know who was on the other side of those doors – and what if there was no one there at all waiting for me at the end of the aisle? As I was about to run, the wooden doors opened and at the end of the aisle was a man – who I understood to be Jesus. He was firmly planted, unmoved, and His eyes spoke the very truth into my fears that He wasn’t leaving; He was inviting me to come. I stood there frozen in place and the picture was gone. I was driving down the highway sobbing.
You can judge me for how cheesy that all sounded – but I’m not exaggerating or trying to be dramatic. At this time in my life, I was the complete skeptic – especially when it came to visions and healing. What bothered me most – for a good few years – was that I never saw myself walking down the aisle.
That same tendency to run is still present in my walk with Jesus – though often it’s not deliberate. Most of the time it’s more subtle, fueled by lies and assumptions that are so easy to believe when I forget to remember God’s heart towards me and His character. Often it comes after I completely blow it. Rather than running towards the Lord, I distance myself from Him. I spend less time with Him during the week, and before I know it I feel like I’m oceans away from Him. It’s small, normal things – like choosing to listen to the radio during my morning commute, watching the weather report or making breakfast before work (instead of eating a protein bar on the way), or hitting snooze just one time too many in the morning – that steal away time from His presence. In themselves, none of it is bad, but when it’s driven by guilt and avoidance then each is a step in a marathon of withdrawal.
This morning I realized how little I actually rest in His presence. How rare it is that I stop everything and just wait for Him. If I’m being completely honest, most of the time it’s because I’m afraid of what He’ll say to me. Fear stems from three scenarios that run through my head each time: 1. Either He’ll come at me harshly, 2. He won’t show up at all, or 3. I’ll actually have to respond to what He tells me – I can’t avoid it or fain ignorance.
The truth is being still before the Lord is difficult… It’s hard for me to be still. But this morning I realized (once again) that the Lord doesn’t put up walls like I do in our relationship. Jesus is my peace – He destroyed the barrier wall of sin in my relationship with the Lord. Although my sin separates me from experiencing intimacy with Jesus, it’s because I’m choosing to walk away from Him – It’s not because He alters.
When someone hurts me, it’s my first response to put up a wall. When it happens repeatedly, the wall gets bigger and bigger, until I’m completely cut off emotionally from that person. But my first response is not Jesus’ response to me. He doesn’t react out of disappointment because He’s already dealt with all of my sin. He can’t rebuild a wall that He Himself destroyed.
Don’t misunderstand me, sin always hurts the Lord. It’s like a slap in His face each time, because when you love someone it hurts to see them engage in self-destructive behavior, become a slave to lies, or settle for anything less than what’s best for them. He rescued us for so much more. I could be wrong, but the distance and the walls I feel in my relationship with the Lord are almost always a result of my running away from Him, not His movement away from me. He’ll invite me, call me, woo me, and pursue me the entire time – and He knows exactly how to draw me back to Himself. In our marriage, He’s continually reminding me of His faithfulness and inviting me to rest securely in it.
I feel like I just rambled in the most disorganized, nonsensical manner, but I hope you get something encouraging out of it. Jesus invites you to trust Him and feed on His faithfulness (Ps 37:3NASB). Running is healthy and encouraged – as long as it’s in the right direction.
Wishing you warmth and sunshine from this frigid city,
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