December
was busy and I was severely homesick. Ray’s family came and we celebrated
Christmas a couple days before the actual holiday with them. I was so taken
aback by their generosity. Rachel made gluten free alternatives so I could eat
the same deliciousness they did and his parents were incredibly generous
towards me. I then proceeded to work Christmas Eve, Christmas and the day
following – and I definitely had a spontaneous purchase in the form of a plane
ticket home during my lunch break that 3rd shift. Hannah picked me
up from the airport and took me home and we surprised my parents!! I got to
spend a couple wonderful days with them just relaxing at home before heading
back to Nashville. I needed the refresher so badly.
January was an interesting month for me. I’ve been struggling with pride, complacency and apathy for a few weeks and it culminated on an afternoon run early in January. I had taken a good amount of time off from running and decided I needed to get my butt up off the couch and get moving. My first run back was rough, so I determined that my second run that week would be a little longer. I typically run in my neighborhood on afternoons that I’m off – it’s my time to enjoy the sunshine and get some fresh air – it’s also the safest time of the day to run. On this particular day it was warm – above 60 and cloudy, the air was sticky and it felt like home. I never anticipated that on this run, on this day, my safe and independent bubble would come crashing down as a man jumped out of his car, chased me and grabbed me. There’s a moment where clarity and chaos exist, and I’ve been there. In a split second I realized that everything I was afraid of was about to happen, and yet I wasn’t sure how it was going to happen. It’s not a good moment. By God’s grace and His protection, I am unharmed physically. The police and detectives have been the greatest blessing in all of this. By God’s grace, the man responsible was found and made a full confession, and hopefully there will be just consequences. But how does this help my struggle with pride?
I
am a very independent person; at least I think I am. I hate being out of
control, I hate feeling vulnerable and helpless. I hate being dependent. It
doesn’t sit well with me. I get fidgety and restless – like “what do I do?” and
I’m just not good at it. In that moment I felt completely vulnerable and
helpless. I’m not a big person… if someone wants to pick me up and take me
somewhere it’s not that hard. I can make it hard, but it’s doable, ya know? But
I like to think that I’m bigger and tougher than I am, that I’m untouchable…
but I’m not. Nothing I did or didn’t do on that run could’ve prevented another
outcome - I was completely out of control. It’s a terrifying realization to
realize that only God Himself protected me and I hadn’t even acknowledged His
presence! It was humbling – the reality of His faithfulness and His presence
even though I had complacently blown Him off. Even more gracious – the timing
coordinated with family and friends having already planned to come visit
starting that night. I tend to suppress emotions and process verbally.
Intellectually, I felt completely crazy and irrational – I was “fine” and “nothing
happened.” In reality, I have not been fine and something did happen. So in an
effort to not suppress my emotions, I’ve been trying to voice them – and they
aren’t pretty – but maybe they’re coming out. Car doors would shut behind me
and I would jump. A woman walked into work behind me and something in her
pocket jingled the same way his had and I jumped. Every car that was the same
size and color made my heart drop. The nights that followed were full of
anxiety and panic and anger. My first night by myself was terrible, and the second
I flat out just cried before falling asleep. The third I realized that I couldn’t
be anxious and thankful at the same time… and so I began to thank the Lord for
what He had done instead of choosing to worry over what could have happened.
I’ve
been reading through Daniel and there’s been a theme in the first 5 chapters of
God’s sovereignty. You frequently read phrases like, “so that you’ll know that
the Most High God rules in the kingdom of men and gives it to whomever He
chooses.” God’s intent in dealing with
the Kings of Babylon is to bring them a place where they humbly realize that He
is ultimately Lord. This culminates for me in Chapter 5 when He’s talking
through Daniel to Belshazzar. Belshazzar failed to learn from the mistakes of
his grandfather Nebuchadnezzar and committed a grossly blasphemous act (even
according to his pagan culture). God responds and in verse 23 He reminds the
king: “…And you have praised the gods of silver and gold, bronze and iron, wood
and stone, which do not see or hear or know; and the God who holds your breath in His hand and owns all your ways
you have not glorified.” I read that verse a while ago, but keep coming
back to it. How often do I pour my worship out on myself, on other people, and
on other things and activities instead of the living God? And how frequently do
I operate under this belief that I’m in charge of my life? That I have control?
Forgetting the whole time that God holds my breath and owns all of my ways?
That He alone deserves my worship, that no one can sustain the weight of my
worship but Him?
Remember
when I said that it was terrifying to realize that God alone is in control? I
meant it. I was terrified because I didn’t trust His heart towards me. Yes, He
had protected me, but I waited for another boom to drop. I didn’t believe that
He was for me, that He loved me, and that He always works for my best… I was
operating under this assumption that God loves as I “love.” I knew the
grossness of my heart, and how could anyone love me when I was so messed up?
The beautifully comforting thing is that God alone is in control. He is holy,
and so every thought, plan, intention towards me that comes from Him is holy –
it is perfect. He loves me with a perfect love, and the grace and goodness of
the Gospel is that He sees me covered in the righteousness of Jesus. Whatever
happens to me, whether it’s a consequence of my sins or choosing, or of someone
else’s, He is able to redeem and make beautiful. I’m still learning this… it is
very much the lesson of my life – learning how to trust God – that He is who He
says He is, and that I am who He says I am. In my learning, I am able to say
that He is good and patient with me.
I
went for my first run last week with Adrien. I still felt jumpy when car doors
would shut or cars would drive past me. I’m still angry that I haven’t been
able to run in a spirit of safety. However, I am thankful; thankful for friends
to run with, and thankful for the faithfulness of Jesus.
