Thursday, September 30, 2010

tech-savvy is not my middle name

i don't know how formatting my blog ended up like it did - but i'm rolling with it. here are some recent photos (recent being from the summer):


my best friend got hitched and it was beautiful:






my family took a real family vacation - and the lovely hannahb happened to be on the same island the same week:




more recent - growing up. looking forward and trying not to panic - coming up with a list of places to move and work - at the top of the list:
Boston, MA
Birmingham, AL


Other's include Charlotte, Charleston, Chapel Hill, Portland, Chicago, Baltimore, Colorado Springs, Fort Collins, and Honolulu. Oh, and Columbia :)

Most of these places have relatively good OB or Pediatric hospitals. Some are conveniently near the beach or the mountains - and I'm not sure I could live somewhere not within driving distance of an ocean or a hiking trail. Obviously, Columbia would be the cheapest option - living at home rent free and working = saving up. Some of these hospitals and residency programs would be amazing to get into though. Which is why Birmingham is on the list - it's relatively inexpensive to live there and I could work and go to school at the same time - working in a great OB/Women's Health or Pediatric unit.

I'll be honest - looking at these places is just a great distraction from school. I'll end up where I get a job and where the Lord leads me, and I'll love it/learn in it. It just happens to be fun looking at cities and having the freedom to move some place completely new.


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Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Fierce Warrior, Jealous Lover.

Today I found myself discouraged. For the past few weeks I've had more anxiety attacks and physical episodes of near fainting/vomiting (gross, I'm sorry). Last Tuesday I threw up in front of an entire class of 70 people - in my LAP. I was too weak to stand and go to the bathroom because I felt so light-headed and dizzy. Today, I was overcome with abdominal pain, intense cramping all over - to the point that I could hardly catch my breath. Nausea and dizziness joined in with the stomach pains and I ended up sitting in the bathroom in a cold sweat. So entirely sick of this happening and with no known reason. I've had blood drawn, and ECG done, etc. - and all of that looks fine (thankfully) - the doctor's are starting to think anxiety. These "episodes" are so different than past anxiety attacks. Whether there is a physical cause or not, I have no doubt that Satan's used these moments to discourage me.

I'm pretty honest about my anxiety - if there was going to be a time for this to happen due to anxiety it would have been last night or this morning before I bombed my pediatrics test - I was freaking out last night because I knew I was so unprepared and had no time to prepare. I had missed an entire lecture which composed half of the test the week before because I "got sick." This morning though, I woke up and had a great time with the Lord - just in prayer and claiming His promises. That's He's good, and that He's for my good. That I don't have to fear or be anxious because He's my God - He upholds me with the strength of His right arm - He's my help and my strong tower - my comforter and my redeemer. I went to the library early with Rachel, rushing to try to lay eyes on massive amounts of material - but resigned to the fact that this wouldn't be my best test and that it would be okay. I didn't feel anxious - even when I got the test and didn't know half of the answers. It wasn't until lecture started that I began to feel intense pain and get sick.

I believe God's called me to peace - to trust Him - to live anxiety-free. I believe that's a part of my inheritance - and a life that I have struggled to believe is possible. There are times when my anxiety feels like an impossibly overwhelming mountain - but it's not. It's very much a sin-struggle, a choice to move from worshipping the Lord to self-worship, pride, and unbelief. Tonight I tuned into Steven Furtick's 24 hour preaching in God's perfect timing. He said something so encouraging to me and so clearly from the Lord. The closer I am to receiving the inheritance/the promise of God - in this case no anxiety or fear, but a life of peace, rest and security (not comfort) - the stronger the resistance and opposition. Satan plays dirtier the closer I get to receiving all that God has for me, but he has no victory.

In this season I am not alone. I am a beloved daughter of the Living God and I'm convinced He's making me more like Him even in this. I know He has things to teach me in this season- places to take me in His heart. I also know that He's after my heart with all He's got - that while Satan plays dirty, Jesus relentlessly pursues me and presses His finger on everything that competes with Him for my attention and affections. My God is a fierce warrior - and while I'll have trouble in this world, He's overcome it - and in Him, I am more than a conqueror. My God is a jealous lover - faithful, gentle, persistent.

he who has been stealing must steal no longer.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

lessons from the week

This week was the first really challenging one of my semester. I started the year wanting to have a life - to pour into relationships and people - instead of stressing to make another 4.0.

This year I have three clinicals (M,Th,F) and two days of lecture (T,W). This week I had two exams. I've never felt so unprepared for exams, and I almost never start studying for an exam the day before I have to take it (which I totally did this week). I won't lie and say that I didn't stress at all - I was a ball of stress on Tuesday morning before my exam. I knew that material would be from the textbook - and I really struggle to read textbooks. I had spent a lot of time trying to read the text for this class (averaging an embarrassingly few amount of pages per hour) and felt like I had retained no information. Saturday, I enjoyed tailgating with friends and hanging out with my brother after the football game. I managed to catch a few hours in the library during the game (lame, I know - but it didn't seem like a good game anyways). Monday, I was blessed to get out of clinical 4 hours early! I got home around 9:30 and debated if I should run or go to the library. I put on my running shoes and hit the road. I ran for the first time without feeling like I was in a hurry to be doing something else. I kept reminding myself that I had 4 extra hours and I could run for longer, shower, and grab lunch. The weather was beautiful and I felt great - I ended up running my longest run yet at a surprisingly steady pace.
After the run I got to catch lunch with my roommates before going to study. I caught about 2 hours of study time and then headed back to the apartment for Monday night dinner. I planned on studying and only coming out of my room for about thirty minutes, but I ended up not studying at all. I scurried off to band practice for Navs and managed to catch 2-3 more hours before finally choosing sleep at midnight. I hit the library early to review my notes and read over material I hadn't covered yet - I started to physically feel anxious. I went into the test knowing that I didn't "deserve an A" and wondering how I would handle getting a B in a course (I obviously struggle with perfectionism). I also went in knowing that I had enjoyed some sweet time in community, and that had been my desire in the first place. We went over the test and I was so happy with my grade, and so convicted by God's faithfulness and grace.
I hit the books again for a few hours before Navs for my next exam - struggling to understand material I should have mastered in anatomy. I was so excited when I finally got the concept and then realized I had only covered one small part of the test. Oops. I went to Navs and enjoyed seeing people, worshipping with them, and hearing the Word of God as Jason (ironically) talked about growing up in Christ. I came home from Navs totally unmotivated to study. I felt so chill and I was just tired of school work. After an unsuccessful attempt to study, I went to bed. I hit the library before the test again in the morning, and felt surprisingly relaxed. It was so unusual that I actually began to wonder if I was subconsciously stressing. I started to worry about my lack of stress (weird) then I was reminded about how dumb that was! For the first time in my life, I realized that worrying got me nowhere good - that I really feed off of anxiety and it kicks my butt every time. I had known this about myself, but it had never clicked. Suddenly stressing about this exam would not improve my chances of magically knowing the material - if anything, it would only distract me. After all, stressing didn't help me with my Peds test - and God was faithful to provide in that situation. I felt peaceful (I'm assuming it was peace - it was such a rare feeling for me) until I got a latte - and then I experienced the caffeine-induced jitters. The test went well - so, so well.
Today, I was nervous about clinical because I knew I would be working with children. I'm always nervous about getting an uncooperative child - or one who doesn't like me. I got a miracle patient - a child incredibly blessed to be alive - and one who reminded me of God's sovereignty.
Before you read this, know that this was all the Lord and not me:
At the start of clinical, while I was waiting to receive report from my night nurse, my Peds instructor confronted me and congratulated me. I must have had a confused look on my face, because she began to explain to me that I had received the highest grade in the class. I was surprised, and I felt awkward, and then I worried that she might think that was normal for me. That's never happened before.

Two of the main things I've learned (or am learning) this week are these:
1. That I'm so quick to buy into the lie that God is not good, and that He is not for my good. When in reality, He is perfectly good and He loves me completely. Whatever happens in my life, whether good or bad, comes through the hands of my Sovereign Father first - and He has my best interest at heart. Not for earthly success, but for the sole purpose of growing me into maturity - into Christlikeness. This doesn't mean that I'll always make good grades or have good things happen all the time - it just means that He's good - regardless of what happens He's still in control and does not change.
2. I'm so quick to place my faith in the measure of my faith instead of the faithfulness of my God. My God is faithful. His faithfulness towards us is NOT determined by the level of our faith - it's based on His Word and His character. I don't deserve it. I can't earn it. I've done everything possible to break His heart - worshipping idols and whoring myself like Israel so often did. I've slowly started to see God begin to answer prayers for Godly sorrow which leads to true repentance - and at the root is the realization that I am completely unworthy and undeserving of His grace. That apart from Him I have no good thing (Ps 16:2). That's the beauty of the Gospel - that Jesus did what I could never do to bring me into a right relationship with Him - that He absorbed God's wrath towards me and that through His death and resurrection I am fully loved by God - I am fully pleasing to Him because of Jesus and Jesus only (Eph2).

the question of the night - could I say the following and it be true in my life?
"If I lose it all - You are enough. If I gain the world - You are enough. My joy is complete. Jesus, You are more than enough for me."

learning to trust and rest on His chest like a weaned child,
a

Monday, September 6, 2010

wallowing

dear school girl heart,

you have this one night to wallow and embrace your hurt. this one night only. let out some tears then wash them from your cheeks.
tomorrow is a new day, and you are not your own.
Papa has it.
Papa has you.
Trust Him child.

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