I am so thankful for a patient and merciful God who remains dedicated to molding me into a woman after His heart. A huge piece of that is Him continually teaching me to trust and depend on Him. I am such an independent person, at least on the outside, and I love to feel like I have control of things (even though I know logically I have no control)… which makes trusting anyone fully really difficult for me. This is something I’ve known about me for ages, but I didn’t realize how deeply my pride and selfishness ran until I started dating.
Lesson 1: Expectations
I’ve realized that most of the time my disappointment stems from unmet expectations that I (1) don’t communicate, and (2) just want Ray to magically know. I couldn’t understand why I would find myself mildly irritated with him when he’d done nothing wrong, until I realized that I was placing this massive weight of expectations on him. I got so distracted by what I thought I wanted that I missed the sweet, loving things that he was doing and planning. This realization came like a slap in my face, convicting and humbling, but it also reminded me of the importance of being aware of expectations, communicating them, and letting them go. You miss out on so much when you cling to ideas, perfection, expectations, etc. It’s a blessing to let them go and let Ray romance me in his own way, it’s just better that way. My focus shifts from all that I believe I’m entitled to, deserve, or lack to all that I am graciously blessed with. When I recognize my expectations for what they are, and deal with them appropriately, then I can better love Ray for who he is. And can I just say, the real Ray is so much better than the idea of him, or the expected him?
I think this is true in any relationship. Conflict tends to stem from unmet expectations and poor communication, and I think we miss out on a lot of joy when we hold people to unrealistic expectations. This is true for me in my own life – I miss out on so much joy when I hold myself to unrealistic expectations that come from perfectionism. I’m so tired of missing out on joy.
Lesson 2: Trusting the Lord
I feel like the Holy Spirit
will be teaching me this lesson until Jesus calls me home. Again, dating is just
exposing my weakness and disobedience when it comes to trusting the Lord in
different and deeper ways. The past two weeks have been rough for both of us.
We’d both done stupid stuff before and addressed it, but we’d never really had
conflict until recently. At first, it was over pretty insignificant things that
just kind of snowballed into bigger underlying issues. We smoothed things out
on Friday, just to have another round start Saturday. Only the second time
around we weren’t in conflict with each other, life just kind of hit home. Sparing details, I’ve never cried in front of
Ray until Sunday. I hate letting other people see me cry, it’s not attractive,
and it’s awkward… I mean, what do you say to the sobbing, emotional, and
possibly borderline irrational woman sitting next to you??
I left Clarksville Sunday
night with things unresolved, hating every bit of it, but choosing to trust the
man I had hugged goodbye. By the end of our conversation Monday night, I
honestly thought we might not be able to work through this. Two very candid
emails later (not ideal, but neither is living an hour apart with opposite work
schedules), and things were a bit more clear (not easy, but clear). He wasn’t asking me to give up my heart for
missions, women’s ministry, or adoption, nor was he asking me to abandon my
life here in Nashville (which is what I heard). He was introducing me to his
heart for discipleship in such a raw and honest way, so that I wouldn’t feel
deceived about his priorities later on. He was also trying to explain how he
had led us poorly, and how he needed to model for me the kind of discipleship
he is so burdened for. All Ray was
asking of me was if I was willing to follow him as He followed Jesus, wherever
that might take us. That’s a lot of trust.
By this point, it’s early Tuesday morning and I’m walking to work, confessing my fear and trust issues to the Lord. There were two things He very quickly impressed upon my heart:
- Alex, you must ultimately trust Me. Trusting Ray or anyone else in your life involves risk, but it’s frightening to you because you forget that I am your ultimate trust. You’re filled with fears and questions: “What if Ray makes a call I don’t agree with?” “What do I do with my heart?” “How will I ever be able to submit to a husband?!” But you’re envisioning the future without Me. I have your best interest at heart. You must trust My sovereignty and My love for you when you trust another one of My kids. They will fail you, disappoint you, and make mistakes… but I won’t. One day, you’ll see this more – that submitting to your husband is not only trusting him, but ultimately trusting Me by walking in obedience to My word.
- Alex, you need Me. This is why prayer is so vitally important and why it must be a priority in your life. You demonstrate your trust and your dependence on me by the way that you come to Me in prayer. I am the Good Shepherd, I know exactly what you need and I lead you into it. This is also why praying for Ray is so important. Why praying for your husband will be so important one day. They need My wisdom, to know the sound of My voice from the voices of so many others, they need the courage to follow My heart, and there is no better way to fight for them than to bring them before Me, trusting Me instead of nagging them.
“And there is no creature hidden
from His sight, but all things are naked and open to the eyes of Him to whom we
must give account. Seeing then, that we have a great High Priest who has passed
through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For
we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was
in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore come boldly
to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time
of need.” – Hebrews 4:13-16 NKJV
Before He knit me together, He knew me – in all of my junk – yet He created me anyways. He rescued me by the blood of His Son. I stand completely exposed before Him, and He still invites me into the throne room of grace. Whatever your weakness, whatever your strength – it might not be jacked up expectations or trust issues – you have a God who can sympathize with you, who longs to meet you where you are but loves you way too much to leave you there.
love,
a
