this is embarassing... but here it is: i still sleep with a teddy bear... and not just one...but two.
in my defense they're both very sentimental and have ties to my Oma... so that makes me feel less pathetic.
anyways... i know teddy bears. I worked in Build-A-Bear for crying out loud... I know, along with every other human being, that teddy bears are soft, cuddly, cute and many find them comforting... especially little kids. There's a sense of intimacy associated with teddy bears I think.
Little kids sleep with them, they cart them around, they drool all over them ((or in my case I tended to puke on them... man it just keeps getting more embarrassing for me :) ))... they're personal with their teddy bears (or blankets).
Kids aren't the only ones who associate teddy bears with intimacy. Countless boyfriends, fiances, and husbands came into the store to stuff bears for that "lucky girl" in their life. They went through impressively embarrassing links to stuff the bear too... jumping up and down, wishing on red hearts, announcing to the whole store that they loved this girl.
I've known that the Lord isn't a "Teddy bear" God... He isn't always soft and cuddly, there's an element to Him that is fierce, jealous, even wrathful. Of course He is gracious and merciful, but not at the expense of justice or righteousness. He's not "the Big Guy upstairs waiting to squash you" but He isn't a door-mat you just walk over either. So I've known, even told others, that the Lord isn't a teddy-bear God... but He hit me with something this week that was somewhat crazy... I'll share.
In Scripture, especially in the Old Testament, they refer to God as LORD in all caps. This is significant, because they aren't calling the Lord "Adonai" but they're calling Him "Yahweh". "Yahweh"... God's name was sooo great, too great, that they didn't dare say it, or even write it. They used LORD as somewhat of a euphemism for it, for lack of a better word. I could be wrong about this, but that's just the info I have on hand, so test it... test all of what I say in this btw, and cling to what's good (if any is) ((1Thess5). Nowadays, "Yahweh", although it isn't common for us to say, is said, even sung, so it doesn't seem like such a big deal... but it hit me this week. I wonder, what it would be like to be in the presence of the LORD who was too... too holy, too righteous, too awesome, too fierce, too gracious, too loving, too merciful, too sovereign... you get my point... and to not even be able to utter His name because my lips aren't even worthy, they can't even form the name "Yahweh"??? What would that look and feel like.. to have such a reverent fear of God Almighty that I wouldn't even be able to write the Holy name of Yahweh?
Israel had a big view of the LORD when they had their eyes on Him. Those that sought Him had a fear of Him... not a fear like "I'm afraid of the dark" but a reverent fear, a genuine AWE of the Lord.
In so many ways I am a little Israel. I am stiff-necked, stubborn, prideful, and unfaithful... but the Lord is faithful to His word and covenant with me... He desires me... all of me. I don't understand it. BUT this week God has been kinda hitting me over the head with His name throughout the Psalms as I've been reading. I had read Ps 81 last week and the intimate desire of the Lord to fill us, to satisfy us, to have us listen to Him, open wide our mouths and expectantly wait for Him to fill them... was crazy. I started thinking about Yahweh, and how I just feel soo unjustified in saying it, because all of these "greats" in the Bible didn't even dare utter it... that's how crazy God is. Moses couldn't even see His face He was that awesome. I know that my relationship with the Lord is like a marraige, that He wants to know me intimately and I want to know Him intimately, but I realized Sunday that there's a shift that's happening (hopefully) in my life and my walk.
The Lord doesn't just want to be a teddy bear to me... something I fall asleep next too, that gets kicked around or put at the end of the bed, that's left when I go out of town (sometimes), that's on the outside of me... He doesn't want that kind of intimacy, if it can be called that... He wants to be a jealous lover. Not only does He not want to be a teddy bear... I want more than a teddy bear. I want the childlike faith that kids have, but I don't want my God to be small enough for me to drag around and only as close to me as my grip to Him is tight.
The differences between a lover and a teddy bear are vast... I'll let you think of your own and of the obvious ones. The Lord wants to be in me, wants to be one with me, wants to be more than the lifeless thing at the foot of my bed when I go to sleep. Is He gentle? Yes. Is He cuddly? Maybe. Is He trustworthy? Well, His word says He is and He has never failed, so I'd say yes. Is it scary? I'm freaking out. Why? Because He's the Living God, Yahweh, All-Knowing, jealous, Alpha, Omega, Creator, Judge...He's holy, righteous, and fiercely loving. He's compassionate, faithful, patient, good, just, slow to anger but quick to be gracious and merciful. He's overwhelmingly huge, and yet He's made it so simple for me to be in a relationship with Him. There's something exciting and a little bit frightening to think that the God who is all of those things wants to be with me.
I know how to handle teddy bears... but this is all new ground.
So I'm waiting... I don't know what's going on, but there's this excited/afraid/anticipation welling up within me... and I like it.
<3
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