gracious uncertainty

 Prepare yourself for a scatterbrained post...
Today was a day of firsts for me:
1. First time watching a royal wedding; embarassingly fascinated with two total strangers.
2. First time begging a man not to tow a car - first time getting my car towed.
3. First time celebrating graduation/jobs with Rachel and Adrienne

In other news:
Sometimes I wonder if I really ever learn...if I really ever "get" it - whatever "it" might be. It's incredibly frustrating. Here's a common lesson, a simple lesson, that's been on repeat for a while:

My faith cannot be in my faith. My faith must be in the faithfulness of my God.
My belief cannot be in my level/feeling of belief or what I believe about God. My belief must be in God Himself.

I'm not sure how it's going - but I feel like I'm not the brightest student.

In My Utmost for His Highest, Oswald talked today about "Gracious Uncertainty" - about how when we have completely surrendered everything to the Lord, we can be certain only of God Himself (His Word, His promises, His character).  Everything else in our life exists in a state of gracious uncertainty because we are completely abandoned to the Lord - and though we don't know what He has for us, we know who He is and we can rest solely in Him. He also talks about the lesson I mentioned above. I want this to be true of me, true of my relationship with the Lord. That I am at home in gracious uncertainty - because I am certain of God Himself.

I was talking to Quintin, one of the Nav leaders in Clemson, tonight about finances. He works at a bank and was telling me all kinds of things about budgeting - which, as boring as it sounds, was really awesome and helpful.  After our conversation, I was walking back inside and it hit me that I was really beginning to make decisions I had never thought of making on my own. I don't think I really planned on being in a committed relationship or engaged, but I do think I grew up sorta thinking it would happen at this point in my life (it might be a girl thing, it might be a southern thing). Now that I'm here, I'm really okay being single - I can't imagine my life differently. It was just a thought that came - quickly and in a little bit of a "Wow" tone - that I was thinking about the next step in my life without really leaving room, or waiting, for a relationship. That tiny surge of "confidence" about growing up was followed by that "oh crap, adulthood" thought.

A bit later, I found myself in a conversation that I had successfully avoided for an entire year. Though the topic had weighed heavy on my heart the past few months, I had recently resigned myself to drop it. For those of you that know me, you know that I'm generally incredibly outspoken and am often too blunt. However, as bold and as courageous as I would like to be, I generally wimp out when it comes to conversations like this. As much as I've played out exactly what I would say if I could muster up the confidence, I'm quick to keep quiet. Then it happened - it came out of left field - and it was met with fumbling and stuttering like you wouldn't believe. No one has ever beat around the bush so ungracefully. With my head still spinning, I drove home thinking about gracious uncertainty, amid other things.  While I'm still processing, I know that this is true: while what I hoped for was good, greater things are yet to come.

Do I feel uncertain? Yes...so many things are in the air and trying to juggle them can be overwhelming, if not impossible. While my first impulse is to become anxious, that's not of the Lord at all.  Regardless of my feelings, my Father is faithful, sovereign, and good...of His character, I can certainly rest assured. I do not walk alone.

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PS: I'm moving here in July....

chesed

Chesed, or "Hesed" is a Hebrew word used often in the Old Testament in reference to the Lord's love for Israel.  To be completely honest, it can't even be properly translated into English because we have no words to do it justice.  From what I've learned, Chesed is a relational term - it describes God's covenant love between Himself and Israel.  Though Israel constantly disobeyed and failed on their end of the bargain, the Lord was (and has always remained) faithful to His end.  Chesed is a beautiful word - because it embodies all grace, mercy, compassion, kindness and faithfulness as it describes the pursuing love of a Holy God jealous for His chosen people.

So what?

I was standing in a trauma bay recently- trying desperately not to pass out - as I watched young people come into the hospital from a bad accident. A few thoughts crossed my mind initially: 1. Why in heaven's name do they keep these trauma bays SO hot?? (I know the answer, but working in 87 F is NOT fun) and 2. This could have easily been my brothers last fall.

I noticed another nursing student standing in the corner on the other side of the room.  Our main goal was to stay out of the way! We looked at each other and smiled - knowing that we were in the same boat - as we watched the team work.  I felt sick and hot, and I knew that I was pale as a sheet... over the past year, I've quickly been able to recognize when I'm about to hit the floor. I began to pray for my patient as they worked.  When word got to us that the family had arrived, I went with the nurse to talk to them. In a daze, I realized that this could have easily been my family a few months ago.  I continued to pray, even harder when I realized that one parent had "given up" on the Lord. 

It's easy for me to despair in situations like this - when a kid is dead, when a patient may never walk again, and when another is screaming from a room down the hall. It's easy for me to lose hope and wonder, honestly, how God is both sovereign and good at the same time.  It's easy for me, in situations like this, to listen to lies from the enemy and become anxious. For now, I choose to believe and firmly hold onto Chesed, and it's close partner "Charis" (grace).

There are a few things that I know:
1. I deserve nothing but hell, and anything short of hell - be it "good" or "bad" is evidence of God's grace towards me.
2. I could be wrong, but I'm beginning to see from Genesis, how the knowledge of "good" and "evil" was never "intended" to be mine - man chose that when we ate from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil. So I refer back to #1. (Genesis 2:15-16; Genesis 3; Genesis 3:21 NASB)
3. Nothing separates my family, or anyone else, from those involved in this event.  It's not a matter of whether God loved one family more than another, or whether there was any kind of "luck" involved - each situation in our lives happens with the sole purpose of displaying God's glory (ex: John 9:1-3).  If God was most glorified in my life through a "bad" situation, then I'm sure I would experience it.  I don't think He shows partiality. And I might add, God works for His glory and our good simultaneously - one never contradicts or negates the other.
4. God's grace is overwhelming - my patient has a long way to go - but by the end of the day, the Lord was already working in his body physically and (continue to pray) in his family spiritually.

The anger, grief, and confusion I witnessed in this circumstance was all too familiar to me. I've had my fair share of anger towards the Lord - moments when I wanted to walk away completely - but as I continue to get older, He continues to show me just how completely He loves - and how He relentlessly pursues us in love (Chesed).  I'm so quick to label circumstances as "awful," "bad," "impossible," OR "good," "awesome," and "favorable." When, in all reality, "This is the day that the Lord has made" and I must "rejoice and be glad in it." Because, at the end of the day - it's His grace (Charis) and His unrelenting, unconditional love (Chesed) that hold me fast.

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