These past few weeks have been like one long roller coaster of contradiction - lows of doubts followed by quick peaks of faith, deeper lows of doubts, and twists of everyday life.
For a quick(ish) update, here's the skeleton of the roller coaster:
1. I've got an interview at Vanderbilt - in two weeks I'll be in Nashville interviewing, looking at housing, and exploring a new city that I could potentially call home for the next five years of my life.
2. I've got an interview with Teach For America - I know, who saw that coming? not me.
3. I hate doubt. anxiety feeds off of doubt. and I hate them both. I hate that the first place satan attacks me is my identity in Jesus.
4. God is so faithful. He's been restoring relationships within my family like crazy - exceeding all of my meager expectations. For the first time in years I feel like I have a stable relationship with my dad. I'm slowly starting to breathe without fear.
5. Comparison steals joy and stays rooted in pride - which is ironic, since it's also seeded in insecurity
On another note, I was in the mall last weekend (yup- shopping). As I was rushing around like a chicken with my head cut off (because I dislike the mall - you should see how fast I can walk in the mall), I started to worry about finding a sweater to go with my interview outfit. I started to compare myself to others, wondering how I stood up, and then I started to worry that I might not get the job if I didn't look or sound professional enough, say the right things, etc. As I'm rushing through the mall to try one more store, Matthew 6 popped into my head. The thought went something like this, "Why do you worry about clothes? Your Heavenly Father knows what you need." It was followed by, "Don't you know that if I want you at Vanderbilt, you will be at Vanderbilt? And if not, don't you know that what I have for you is better?" I felt better immediately...and I found a sweater (in case you were wondering).
In the midst of the doubt, the sucky heart attitude, and all of the things that make me so very human, I find comfort in the fact that I cannot screw this up beyond repair. I don't know what's next, but I know that it will be good - because He is good, and He is for my good.
Friends - nothing we can do can make God love us more, and nothing we can do can make Him love us less.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Sunday, February 6, 2011
lesson of the loaves
"Human resources, however limited, when willingly offered and Divinely empowered are more than sufficient to accomplish Divine goals."
- S. Briscoe
My life is yours.
<3 a
- S. Briscoe
My life is yours.
<3 a
Thursday, February 3, 2011
dreams
most days i feel like one big walking conflict. i have big dreams - romantic dreams (not like the movies or novels really), scary dreams, overwhelming dreams, challenging dreams, the kind of dreams that motivate you to reach for goals that excite and terrify you. but it doesn't take much to freak me out, and if you ask anyone i'm close to they would quickly tell you that i tend to be annoyingly realistic and often times negative in my thinking. balancing the dreamer and the intuition with the practical and sensing is one of the most difficult things about my personality.
you could probably care less about any of that. but tonight i feel a bit trapped. i know what i want to do with my life, but i'm not sure how to get there, or my motives behind it. i feel scatterbrained and unfocused. i find myself dreaming of working with young women, of adopting orphans, of all kinds of things - and most of the time these dreams don't involve waiting around on the dream of marriage which adds to the fear of it all.
what terrifies me is that i believe that i am so unqualified to do what i dream of doing. i've grown up sheltered, and i'm grateful because my story has been riddled with God's preventative grace. i have no idea what it's like to grow up in poverty, or to be abused, or to be abandoned. i don't know what addiction is like, or what it means to grow up never feeling loved or wanted. i'm afraid of all of those things. i feel as though i've bitten off way more than i could ever chew, let alone swallow. and as much as i'm afraid of being in over my head, i'm equally scared of living the American dream. it's not that the American dream is wrong, it's just that something in me longs for a bit more than a life built around things that will pass away. i've never wanted for anything, and never had to work for anything in my life, so it's easy to say that i want more than the American dream when i've never had to go without it a day in my life. the idea of casting the American dream aside has become rather trendy and glamorized, but it's not at all. i love being comfortable. i'm afraid of being uncomfortable and unsafe... but my dreams don't seem to care about that fear.
i want to not be afraid, and i don't have to be any longer. i want the desires of my heart to be the same as the desires of God's heart. i want to adopt. i want to love on orphans. i want to minister to the broken. i want faith. for once in my life, i want to walk in gentle boldness and courageous love.
you could probably care less about any of that. but tonight i feel a bit trapped. i know what i want to do with my life, but i'm not sure how to get there, or my motives behind it. i feel scatterbrained and unfocused. i find myself dreaming of working with young women, of adopting orphans, of all kinds of things - and most of the time these dreams don't involve waiting around on the dream of marriage which adds to the fear of it all.
what terrifies me is that i believe that i am so unqualified to do what i dream of doing. i've grown up sheltered, and i'm grateful because my story has been riddled with God's preventative grace. i have no idea what it's like to grow up in poverty, or to be abused, or to be abandoned. i don't know what addiction is like, or what it means to grow up never feeling loved or wanted. i'm afraid of all of those things. i feel as though i've bitten off way more than i could ever chew, let alone swallow. and as much as i'm afraid of being in over my head, i'm equally scared of living the American dream. it's not that the American dream is wrong, it's just that something in me longs for a bit more than a life built around things that will pass away. i've never wanted for anything, and never had to work for anything in my life, so it's easy to say that i want more than the American dream when i've never had to go without it a day in my life. the idea of casting the American dream aside has become rather trendy and glamorized, but it's not at all. i love being comfortable. i'm afraid of being uncomfortable and unsafe... but my dreams don't seem to care about that fear.
i want to not be afraid, and i don't have to be any longer. i want the desires of my heart to be the same as the desires of God's heart. i want to adopt. i want to love on orphans. i want to minister to the broken. i want faith. for once in my life, i want to walk in gentle boldness and courageous love.
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