I wanted to add pictures with this update - and then I quickly realized that I don't have any recent pictures because I avoid being in them. so that's a new goal - take more pictures, get over insecurities.
anyways - I DID find this one and it's one of my favorite moments of the summer...
...this is my best friend and my sister, Autumn, on her wedding day.
Aside from reading a bunch of textbooks, my lovely roommate Carolina loaned me this one...
...I'm only on chapter 3, but it's been incredibly good so far. I'm tired of living like I'm defeated when Christ has the victory.
I'm super excited about getting involved with the Navigators again - I'm really enjoying meeting new people and getting to use my gifts in ministry. At the same time, the Lord has really been putting His finger on my motivation and on my heart. He tells me that "out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks" - and lately, my heart has been really gross and self-absorbed.
I'm blessed to be living with Caroline and Hannah, and I'm getting to know Jennifer better. One thing is for sure - I'm struck by the redemption and restoration that is evident in my life. I'm so forgetful, but Jesus keeps reminding me of His grace towards me in every circumstance. It's painful - when you realize that you're completely unworthy of the Gospel and how frequently you break His heart - BUT that's what makes it so incredibly beautiful. Not only have I been redeemed by the Lord - but He's redeemed and restored relationships in my life as well. I'm so blessed to be living with my friend and sister Caroline again - I love that we can sit on the kitchen counter in the morning and eat breakfast (well, I eat cheerios and she drinks coffee). I love that God's taken a painful situation and turned it into something beautiful - and Hannah is a daily reminder of that beauty. Her presence was an answer to prayer, and her friendship an incredible blessing.
My roommates are awesome, but I'm really pumped about what God's doing in my relationship with my dad. Relationships involve people and we'll never be perfect - but God's been restoring my relationship with my dad. We actually talk more, and I like that. Learning how to live and operate in this new relationship has been weird - maybe because we've been so used to relating in such an unhealthy way for so long - but I like that God's teaching us. I was convicted (in the most gentle but strong way) the other day by a new friend to pray for my Dad (something I knew I should do but had slacked off on doing). So we're praying for each other, and we'll let each other down again - but healing is taking place. I cry at this (more like have a weep-fest)- I didn't think we would be here at the beginning of the summer.
That's all I got - at some point I'll have a more logical theme for posts.
love,
a
the past few weeks have been quite a whirlwind - and now that things seem to be settling, I still find myself feeling tense, anxious, and wondering what to do with my precious free time. I wish the thumping of my heart would just go away - for most of this past week, I've felt constantly like a panicked animal - like a frozen squirrel you walk by on the sidewalk before they run up a nearby tree. I have no explanation for this feeling, really. Saturday was a crazy day of moving in, followed by a few days of unpacking and settling in. Every time I leave home I feel this overwhelming feeling of emotions - ones of excitement, and ones that make me want to curl up in a ball on my bedroom floor and refuse to grow up. You might think that after three years of moving out and starting a new school year I would be used to this whole process of change - but can you really get used to change? I feel like that might be a contradiction. Still, I think it's possible to learn how to handle change well, and I wish I had that mastered. Tuesday I had my first anxiety attack in a while - its like a beast lurking in the shadows - you know its coming but it hits when you're weak. I've never felt so frustrated or hopeless - fighting to breathe and not throw up as I'm laying in my living room trying to speak truth. Voices just taunting me with lies - fighting against the belief that my anxiety will rule my life for the rest of my life - it just seems so impossible that I could be free from it - that I could never have to struggle with it again. Tuesday night: God reminds me of Joshua and Jericho - of the Israelites - of His command to be "strong and courageous" to "not be terrified, do not be discouraged for the Lord your God goes with you wherever you may go." (Josh 1:9). He reminds me of how impossible and impenetrable the walls of Jericho seemed to the Israelites - and yet how He brought them crashing down. He reminded me that the battle is the Lord's - that He's already won - and that Satan has no power over me except that which I give him. Peace reigned - even if it was just for a few moments - and that ignited hope. Wednesday - Psych orientation. The class I've literally been dreading. I mean, if there is a class I've ever been terrified about - it is this one, and I am not exaggerating when I say I feel terrified. The kind of fear that paralyzes you and makes you want to find any and every excuse to not go to clinical. It's irrational - for sure - but I'm being honest. I called my mom after clinical orientation and cried like a baby. For reasons I literally can't mention - but they exist. Thursday - Peds orientation - the fear I had about working with children is almost gone - I'm now excited about this class. Still nervous about working with kids, but really excited about my professor - who's also my clinical leader. It should be good. Friday - OB orientation - pumped. Enough said. Ways you can pray for me: 1. Pray for discipline in my quiet times, prayer life, and scripture memory - it's normally the first thing to go when my life gets busy but the only thing I need. 2. Pray for application of the Word and humility/a teachable heart 3. Pray that I would confidently claim the victory I have in Christ over my struggle with anxiety and self-worship4. Pray for peace - peace all over - in my daily life and especially in my clinicals (psych for sure). 5. Pray for opportunities to share/be the Gospel as I spend time with my classmates, professors, and patients6. Pray for an outlet in which I can safely process all that happens in clinical - that I won't clam up about the hard experiences, but that I would process everything in a healthy manner. thanks loves, a
God has helped me this far, He will help me still more. Jesus, You are faithful.
