I panicked.
Not lying, I turned pale, I threw up my dinner (you never forget throwing up strawberry ice cream), and had a full on, week long, panic attack. I couldn't eat, I lost 10 pounds, I could barely get off the couch. I thought we were going to die in a plane crash or something, I'm not sure why - but so many irrational thoughts overloaded my brain and I stopped functioning. We ended up in New York - I was curled on the bed in the fetal position missing my mom and crying - Dad was wide eyed and at a loss for what to do. I lived off of bagels that first day - it was the only thing I could eat - orange juice and a plain, very crusty bagel from Starbucks. Then Dad introduced me to China town.....
We spent the rest of our time going to Broadway shows (poor Dad trying to shield my 16 year old eyes and ears for half of them), haggling for lower prices in China town (of which I quickly turned professional), and experiencing Time Square (the thought of that many people is enough to make me anxious even now). It was a great trip, but it was not a great start. And so sums up my reaction to any change or major life event following.
Graduating high school. Starting nursing school. Senior year of nursing school. Graduating college. Moving to Nashville. Getting married. I may not have been debilitated on the couch the day I moved to Nashville or got married, but I was still filled with intense anxiety.
Nearly ten years ago, I couldn't handle change or the thought of change. Today has afforded me a rare moment to look back and see the transformation of that 15-16 year old girl. I still struggle with anxiety, I don't think that tendency will every change or go away - BUT, I find myself more comfortable with the changes life brings. Marriage, buying a house, Ray going back to school, our careers and jobs and dreams all in seemingly uncertain places has provided a steady stream of worries in my daily life... but I am able to get off the couch. By God's grace, He has brought me into a place of great uncertainty with the peace of Christ. Today I am tempted to be anxious, to fear and to be dismayed. That will never go away - I know that - but I don't have to choose to be enslaved to that temptation. Today, I am thankful for God's faithfulness and for his constant and complete provision for my family. I am thankful for His inexhaustible grace and persistent patience. Today, I am choosing to trust Him, to practice resting in His love and sovereignty.
Israel always made altars in the desert to remember God's provision for them. This is a virtual altar for me today. I encourage you to build an altar today - whatever that looks like for you - to be reminded of God's faithful presence in your life.
Stay warm!
-a
