so it's been quite a while i suppose. which is sad, i feel like the Lord's taught/revealed a lot that i never wrote down and most likely, like a little Israel, i've already developed a tendency to forget.
tonight i find myself frustrated. the fact that i'm insecure in who i am, what i look like, and about so many other things is completely evident in how i view (criticize) myself, others, and the way that i think (and the way that i think other people think). it's retarded. and it's frustrating.
insecurities aside, i'm still frustrated. how crappy am i at trusting the Lord? i rather suck at it. there are moments, days, weeks, seasons when I think the Lord is teaching and challenging me, and then immediately moments, days, weeks, seasons of apathy, distrust, frustration, and dryness. Why? he doesn't change or alter - it's me. why the crappy attitude towards the living God???
cycles. cycles of relationships and confidence - mountains of the seemingly immovable and impossible followed by beautiful and blissful moments of feeling the breeze and noticing the view as you descend, then apathy on flat ground followed by overwhelming exhaustion and laziness at the sight of the next mountain.
i was walking to campus the other day and i noticed my shadow in front of me. it was thinner than i am, with smooth, sharp outlines separating it from the concrete sidewalk. it moved with confidence and was a bit taller than i am. The curves of the shadow were distinct, even in the way my hair moved with the wind. i envied my shadow for a moment on the walk home - it appeared way more put together than i am, and by the general standards of the world i'm pretty sure my shadow would be accepted. In all reality, I was not as confident, as thin or flat, as distinct or as together as my stupid shadow. What's more - my shadow was just the sun's light being met with a solid object (me), forming a temporary image. It couldn't move or breathe, it didn't have thoughts, feelings, or the ability to speak. It could not touch or empathize. It could not love. It had no detail, nothing was unique about it, it was just a dark form on concrete. It never experienced light. but I get to move and breathe and think and speak and touch and minister and love. I am unique, whatever that looks like, I am the only one who reflects a part of the image of God in the way that I do. I get to have detail - maybe they're remarkable and maybe they're annoying little things like zits. I get to experience and walk in light. I get to live in this organic and dynamic body, knit together by the King of the Universe, and I get to learn how to walk with Him, to learn and know His heart. The moments I forget that the mountains are possible to climb, that the cycles are times of growth and sanctification, and that I am loved completely and perfectly as I am in the present, not compared to anything or anyone else - those are the moments I take my eyes off my Maker and begin to envy my stupid shadow.
cycles and shadows.
