rest

there are a couple of "coping skills" i was given to handle my anxiety/panic attacks... signs i was given to recognize an attack before it blew into something completely huge.  therapists like acronyms, and i think they're easy to remember.  a common one is HALT - stop and think - are you hungry? anxious? lonely? tired?  any of these can increase the risk/onset of an attack.  

so i'm going to greenville to go dancing with friends tonight and i felt awful.  i have been running on less than 3 hours of sleep today, i've been stressed all week (for most of the semester in various areas of my life), and i'm surrounded by couples.  in a frustrated state i wanted to cry right then in the car.  instead all i could think/pray was "Jesus i need you"

i need to rest in the truth that my Jesus is enough.

He is enough.

He is enough.

and nothing i could ever do (or not do) could make Him love me any more or less.

nothing.

nothing.

<3

the Gospel

"Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst." - 1 Timothy 1:15

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." -Hebrews 12:2

hmm... as i look back on today, the past week, month, semester, few years... the extent of my screw ups is overwhelming. the more i look at my screwed up past and "present" state... the more i wonder if Jesus is thinking about changing his mind on me. BUT my mistake has been looking down at me instead of fixing my eyes on Him. the beauty of the Gospel is that "I was. He is." (Carly Kay).

hebrews 12:1 talks about throwing off the sin that "so easily entangles" and "running with perseverance the race marked out for us"... all of which sounds well and good, but by fixing my eyes on Jesus, He enables me to run in such a way that i do "not grow weary or lose heart."

i'm super good at focusing on the fact that i'm a failure when i've screwed up. in my pride i might not admit it, but in my heart it eats away. the perfectionist murders joy and distracts me from the hope that I have in the truth that Jesus "for the joy set before him, endured the cross, scorning its shame and sat at the right hand of the throne of God."

the beauty of the Gospel, is that Jesus bridged a gap, carried me to the Table, handed me a plate of potatoes and said "here, eat, enjoy, then pass it around." he did NOT bridge the gap, and expect me to come to the table on my own two legs, with a 5 course meal perfectly cooked and arranged - he didn't even ask me to bring a side dish or a roll of paper towels... the beauty of the Gospel, an aspect of it anyways, is that He rescued me, carried me, and without expecting me to bring anything to the table on my own, said "here...take this, enjoy the feast, pass the potatoes."

i want to soak in the beauty that is the Gospel - though it's grace and love i'll never fully understand.
<3

twitterpated

Webster's definition:
twitterpated (adj) - "confused by affection or infatuation"

Alex's definition:
"why the crap am i blushing?"

<3

the blahs

blah.

that's about how i feel, and i don't know why.

i want to focus on today alone, i'm tired of stressing. i don't know where i'll be in a semester, in a year, i feel restless here. the opposite of calm and the "you've got time" mentality. i feel impulsive, anxious, like a puzzle piece that doesn't fit.

i want rest, but i'm too restless. i just feel lazy. like a sham.

"what are you waiting for my love? I promise to take care of you and I'm asking you to trust Me."

okay. iPod shuffle just said it all.
<3

preparation

coming to you from columbia...

last weekend i went to athens to see my dear dear sister Autumn, to get away from Clemson, and essentially let the Lord heal some stuff, reveal some stuff, and work. i believe He did and He still is.

i came back to Clemson and the other night i was walking to a frisbee game (the Lost Boys' game to be precise ;) ) and we were chatting. essentially... this blog is a piece of that conversation.

i feel like the Lord's preparing me for something. and (we were talking about relationships) a lot of times it's easy to think "oh He's preparing me for someone." but maybe not, maybe He's just preparing me for Him, for something else, who knows. regardless, i feel Him moving and asking me to "Come" and that's so hard for me to do sometimes! whether i get married in this life or not, He's still preparing me to be a married woman: His.

There have been times when it's so conversational between me and Him, then other times when I squirm. (Like tonight on the way to Columbia, it was like i felt like He was riding in the car, right next to me, as though i should turn off the music and we should just have a conversation... but He just wanted to ride in silence and I was totally squirming).

you know those people, the friends or the loved ones that you have... the ones that just know what you're gonna say before you say it... you don't even have to talk to communicate, they just get it. i want that with Jesus.

there's a lot i dont know. i was riding home listening to this podcast/sermon (i'm okay with the fact that that makes me dorky) that's part of a series on Song of Solomon. Clayton King was the guest speaker and he was talking about marraige and i was like... whoa, Lord i'm totally not ready for that. and it was as if this revelation happened in my head (a lightbulb moment)... the same/similar reasons/things why i'm not ready to be married now, are the same things that hold me back in my relationship with the Lord. i'm selfish, i'm prideful, i'm independent, i find submitting and communicating difficult...and being vulnerable even harder. BUT those are all things that the Lord is like "hey... that - that's not cool. I want you to be holy like I am holy. so come on - let me in."

maybe i'm starting to get it. if engagement is the preparation for the wedding day and marraige... then this is it - i'm engaged, being prepared for the wedding feast. i'm married, one through the blood of Christ. see this Jesus? He's mine and i am His.

2 Timothy 1:7

For God did NOT give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.


hmm... i'm claiming it.
<3

the mustard seed

you say i can walk on water just like you did
you say i can heal the lame and the sick
you say that in you i have power to raise the dead
if only i had faith the size of a mustard seed
well a mustard seed never looked so big to me.

you say you can heal my brokenness and
that you can break my chains of regret
you say that you can free me from perfection's illusion
and that you're grace is sufficient for my every need
but a mustard seed never looked so big to me.

you say you long to restore me
you say you long to love me
with a love and grace beyond common sense.
you say you long to hold me
you say your desire is for me
a desire stronger than i have ever known

you say "Come to me" but i flee from your gaze
you say "Do not quench the Spirit" and "Cling to what is good"
but in my heart i feel a web of lies.
i'm ridden with discouragement and fear
have i pushed you away one too many times?

i'm at a loss Jesus and in a dangerous place
the land called unbelief
all i have is your promise
that you're faithful to complete
could i fall down at your feet?
i cannot understand the concept of your love
or why you'd want to be one with such a failure

Maker of the mustard seed, be even bigger now to me.

its rough

all that hurts

from the depths of who i am i need you Jesus. i cannot change myself, i cannot change my heart. i need the strength to claim truth that seems, overwhelmingly, so far away.

this is not out of your hands, this was not out of your sight. this was not and is not a surprise to you, unlike it was to me. you are good and your love endures forever. you discipline those that you love... help me to receive this and teach me, like Jacob wouldn't let go when he wrestled with you, Father, though you injure me because of your mercy and love, I won't let go until you bless me.

i claim salvation, grace and love that i'm unable to receive or understand fully. i claim the truth that i am not alone, that i am loved, that i am not rejected but that i have access to the throne of God through Jesus Christ, my high priest who sympathizes with my weaknesses because He's been tempted in every way. i confess my sin of unbelief, of little faith, of anger and bitterness, of disobedience, and my weaknesses are before you. Yet, you've nailed them to the cross, you've said "it is finished." and you continue to dredge up the lies that have been so deeply entrenched in my heart, woven into the marrow of my bones, and it hurts like hell.

take out the death in my bones, raise the dead in me, teach me, create in me a new wellspring, a new heart, renew a steadfast spirit within me, set my thoughts on Jesus. i cannot do this on my own, and i dont want to leave this situation the same or worse... Satan has no foothold, he has been defeated, fight for me Jesus like you have, like you did for Joshua and Israel... in your patience and your mercy don't give up on me. remember your promises "I will never leave you nor forsake you."

you're answering my prayers and I praise you, keep breaking and Father..breathe healing.

tuesdays and the red hat

happy tuesday.

so this is what i want: to believe and cling to the fact that God is good instead of being swayed by the circumstances that surround that statement. i don't want to doubt the Lord's goodness just because i didn't "see" or "feel" Him show up, or because i don't understand what he's doing. I want to be at rest in my heart, in the core of who i am, in the fact that God is good, that He is strong, that He loves me.

that He loves me.

teach me to receive. probe in my heart, move what holds me back from coming to You.

<3

dry mouth

rough weekend, lots of anxiety and no sleep, dry mouth and a lonely feeling. my faith is so small...my clinging seems to be more like a bare brush of fingertips.

Jesus be physical... I want to feel you're touch like an embrace.
Jesus teach me; strengthen my faith and help me come expecting that You, not only can but you desire to heal me and be with me.
Jesus fulfill your promises..."open wide your mouth and I {Yahweh} will fill it."... literally take away this physical misery.

i need you. You are good...open my eyes to your goodness, and my heart to your presence.

a teddy bear vs a lover.... redefining intimacy

this is embarassing... but here it is: i still sleep with a teddy bear... and not just one...but two.

in my defense they're both very sentimental and have ties to my Oma... so that makes me feel less pathetic.

anyways... i know teddy bears. I worked in Build-A-Bear for crying out loud... I know, along with every other human being, that teddy bears are soft, cuddly, cute and many find them comforting... especially little kids. There's a sense of intimacy associated with teddy bears I think.

Little kids sleep with them, they cart them around, they drool all over them ((or in my case I tended to puke on them... man it just keeps getting more embarrassing for me :) ))... they're personal with their teddy bears (or blankets).

Kids aren't the only ones who associate teddy bears with intimacy. Countless boyfriends, fiances, and husbands came into the store to stuff bears for that "lucky girl" in their life. They went through impressively embarrassing links to stuff the bear too... jumping up and down, wishing on red hearts, announcing to the whole store that they loved this girl.

I've known that the Lord isn't a "Teddy bear" God... He isn't always soft and cuddly, there's an element to Him that is fierce, jealous, even wrathful. Of course He is gracious and merciful, but not at the expense of justice or righteousness. He's not "the Big Guy upstairs waiting to squash you" but He isn't a door-mat you just walk over either. So I've known, even told others, that the Lord isn't a teddy-bear God... but He hit me with something this week that was somewhat crazy... I'll share.

In Scripture, especially in the Old Testament, they refer to God as LORD in all caps. This is significant, because they aren't calling the Lord "Adonai" but they're calling Him "Yahweh". "Yahweh"... God's name was sooo great, too great, that they didn't dare say it, or even write it. They used LORD as somewhat of a euphemism for it, for lack of a better word. I could be wrong about this, but that's just the info I have on hand, so test it... test all of what I say in this btw, and cling to what's good (if any is) ((1Thess5). Nowadays, "Yahweh", although it isn't common for us to say, is said, even sung, so it doesn't seem like such a big deal... but it hit me this week. I wonder, what it would be like to be in the presence of the LORD who was too... too holy, too righteous, too awesome, too fierce, too gracious, too loving, too merciful, too sovereign... you get my point... and to not even be able to utter His name because my lips aren't even worthy, they can't even form the name "Yahweh"??? What would that look and feel like.. to have such a reverent fear of God Almighty that I wouldn't even be able to write the Holy name of Yahweh?

Israel had a big view of the LORD when they had their eyes on Him. Those that sought Him had a fear of Him... not a fear like "I'm afraid of the dark" but a reverent fear, a genuine AWE of the Lord.

In so many ways I am a little Israel. I am stiff-necked, stubborn, prideful, and unfaithful... but the Lord is faithful to His word and covenant with me... He desires me... all of me. I don't understand it. BUT this week God has been kinda hitting me over the head with His name throughout the Psalms as I've been reading. I had read Ps 81 last week and the intimate desire of the Lord to fill us, to satisfy us, to have us listen to Him, open wide our mouths and expectantly wait for Him to fill them... was crazy. I started thinking about Yahweh, and how I just feel soo unjustified in saying it, because all of these "greats" in the Bible didn't even dare utter it... that's how crazy God is. Moses couldn't even see His face He was that awesome. I know that my relationship with the Lord is like a marraige, that He wants to know me intimately and I want to know Him intimately, but I realized Sunday that there's a shift that's happening (hopefully) in my life and my walk.

The Lord doesn't just want to be a teddy bear to me... something I fall asleep next too, that gets kicked around or put at the end of the bed, that's left when I go out of town (sometimes), that's on the outside of me... He doesn't want that kind of intimacy, if it can be called that... He wants to be a jealous lover. Not only does He not want to be a teddy bear... I want more than a teddy bear. I want the childlike faith that kids have, but I don't want my God to be small enough for me to drag around and only as close to me as my grip to Him is tight.

The differences between a lover and a teddy bear are vast... I'll let you think of your own and of the obvious ones. The Lord wants to be in me, wants to be one with me, wants to be more than the lifeless thing at the foot of my bed when I go to sleep. Is He gentle? Yes. Is He cuddly? Maybe. Is He trustworthy? Well, His word says He is and He has never failed, so I'd say yes. Is it scary? I'm freaking out. Why? Because He's the Living God, Yahweh, All-Knowing, jealous, Alpha, Omega, Creator, Judge...He's holy, righteous, and fiercely loving. He's compassionate, faithful, patient, good, just, slow to anger but quick to be gracious and merciful. He's overwhelmingly huge, and yet He's made it so simple for me to be in a relationship with Him. There's something exciting and a little bit frightening to think that the God who is all of those things wants to be with me.
I know how to handle teddy bears... but this is all new ground.

So I'm waiting... I don't know what's going on, but there's this excited/afraid/anticipation welling up within me... and I like it.
<3