chchchChanges

Hmmmm

i'm finding myself in the need just to vent - to spill my guts out, and since i'm finding that i have no one to do that with, i'm throwing it out here - be warned, this is purging at its finest.

i'm having a hard time - i don't have it all together, but i'm not used to being on the brink of tears like i have been the past few weeks. i'm struggling, because my "old" nature doesn't seem so old - doesn't seem so crucified - and as i'm struggling with all of these changes, my heart just feels gross because i'm angry, i'm hurt, i'm not trusting, i'm not resting, i'm not being obedient - that's how i feel anyways.

so where to start?

my living situation for next year - still not laid down, still up in the air. still stings.

my family - moving next weekend. last night was my last night in the house i've been in - all through middle school, high school and half of college. and i know that it's dumb, but i'm having a hard time with it. not only do i feel alone and without a support system here in clemson, i feel like i'm losing it in columbia too. i'm going home to a house that's not mine - to a room that i didn't set up - where i don't know where anything is - i don't know the phone number, address, or how to get there.

i went home this weekend hurting, because i felt alone - and i left home in tears because i felt even worse. all i did was write a paper, pack my room and spend a day at lowe's picking out mirrors for this new house. and i had to be okay with it - because my family's excited about it, and they should be. but there's this selfish part of me that just wants to stay - just wants something to stay unchanging. i get that change is a part of life - but i'm struggling when everything changes at once.

the crappiest part about this is that I know the Lord's doing it for a reason - He wants me to trust Him alone. and I'm trying - I am, but just in case it wasn't hard before, now it's harder. I'm realizing the extent of my stubbornness and rebelliousness and it's scary - i'm seeing how crappy and gross my heart is and i just don't know what to do... i can't change it.

i want someone to just understand - to ask - but then i don't want them to ask, because i'll cry. and i know that this is the purging of a stupid, spoiled girl who should just grow up - but i think the point is that i am growing up, i'm just trying to be honest about it. when builder's refer to your room as the "guest" room it just further cements the feeling of having no home. but i do have a home, a home that i'm pushing away because of this whole pity party, a home that doesn't change, a home that does pursue, that does ask - Jesus. I'm just struggling so hard to believe that He's enough - that He's better - that He's true.

i thought this would help me not cry - but it's not working.
<3