hospital memories

oh how unexpected life is.

i've spent about 10 hours in a hospital over the past two days. over 2 hours in a car on the way home weeping, praying, and worshiping. now, in the ICU waiting room in Lexington, I've got a chance to write.

there's an odd mixture of feelings in me. on the one hand, i can't imagine losing one of my parents. so suddenly. i can't imagine. on the other hand, part of me relates and grieves in a real way because i've tasted loss, grief, and hospital waiting rooms. i've faced waiting. knowing. imagining.

memories come back in a flash, like snippets of the past, they flash before my eyes and then they're gone. it's odd - i feel like i should cry again - i should feel more than i do. and i do cry, i do feel, but each year it fades more and more - like the sound of her voice, the way that she smelled, the way she'd sit on her couch and watch tv or read.

i know that she's whole. she's healed. people have told me that the Lord desires us to be healed, and I'll agree with them wholeheartedly. I know that my God is a God who raises the dead, heals the sick, and restores the broken. I also know that His thoughts aren't my thoughts, His ways aren't my ways, He is so high.

He's perfect, pleasing, and He knows what's best. What's best might seem cruel - in fact it did. I was angry, hurt, confused, so many things. for so long. Now it's like I know - I get it as best as I can, I think.

The Lord didn't turn a deaf ear to me - He answered me completely. She's totally healed, fully alive, and completely restored.

I'm right where I need to be. At the core of who He is, my God is good. He is good. He is good. He is good. He is sovereign - my God is sovereign. Why do I struggle so much to trust Him?

<3

this is me - asking how you are.