procrastinating

i'm back in clemson for the day - i have an hour before my lab - an hour that i should be spending doing work, but an hour that i just want to do nothing in. in a compromise (not much of one) i find myself here.

i have a stomach ache - i downed some vitamins after eating a small salad for lunch - and i'm thinking it wasn't such a great idea. i realized that i've taken a lot of vitamin C - probably too much past the upper limit - even though my body will get rid of it, it reminds me that too much of a good thing can feel crappy.

so i'm sitting here, not really knowing what to do or where to start with stuff. waiting. with a tummy ache and a few thoughts that are too jumbled for me to make sense of them.

i think i've realized a few things about me this past week - things i didn't expect to experience maybe... definitely. i never thought i could detach from certain things, but i have surprisingly. i didn't think i had the strength to ever be in a hospital room again, let alone on on the ICU - but it wasn't like i thought it'd be. in that moment i could detach just enough to be objective and still allow myself to feel the weight of it all.

i wish i could do that with other things.

i wish there was some balance - some wisdom and discernment - something that wasn't all or nothing in just a brief moment. so often i feel like its all or nothing - maybe because extremes are much easier, maybe they seem be more secure or stable because you're with others who are just as extreme as you are. but in balance - its dynamic, changing, it requires flexibility and trust and wisdom.

jesus i need you.
<3