word vomit

Wow 2 posts in a week, I feel like that’s been a while.

I’ve had a whole bunch going on in this head of mine – I’m pretty sure I’ve word-vomited so frequently lately that my poor friends are afraid to ask me how I am. I’m blessed that they’ve dug into God’s faithful patience with me, especially over the past few weeks. There’s a lot of crap in my life that the Father wants to sanctify – I’m pretty sure it’d go easier if I just humbled myself and admitted my sin struggles and weaknesses – but no, I fight him on everything. We’re learning – I am anyways – He’s patiently staying and teaching. The past two weeks have been an all time low it seems – I’ve believed so many lies without even realizing, that I feel disoriented. It’s like falling into a deep ocean, and losing perspective on which way is up – you lose the way to oxygen. I don’t believe that Satan is creative, but he is a tricky little sucker – masquerading as an angel of light – most times I don’t even catch that I’m speaking death over myself. BUT that’s it – no more credit for him. He’s a jerk. JESUS, on the other hand, is an amazing Savior, Lord and lover. I was talking to a friend of mine in the library the other day, and somehow we got to talking about guilt and worldly sorrow vs Godly sorrow – how with worldly sorrow you just feel bad because you know you should feel bad but with Godly sorrow, you’re sad because you hurt God’s heart. So many things just clicked into place when he phrased it like that.
I could say I’ve been running away from the Lord because I don’t know how to receive or believe His love for me – and all of that is true except for the fact that He runs alongside of me and goes before me and never leaves me. All this time I’ve been “repenting” – apologizing because I knew I should feel bad for screwing up so much (which isn’t true repentance) – but God’s heart breaking over my sin hasn’t even phased me the past few weeks. There have been times in my life where I would’ve shed tears over hurting his heart. It’s not that much of a brain teaser- Satan’s goal isn’t really to make me chief of heathens by the world’s standards – it’s just to get me distracted and forget God’s heart – that He is good, that He loves me unconditionally, that sin breaks His heart and He longs for me to obey him NOT because my obedience or performance make Him love me more or because He expects me to be perfect – BUT because he loves me and knows what’s best. I forget that – and when I lose sight of that it doesn’t take much for me to end up in a dry, low spot.
I was at another friend’s house last night, and there was a musician there singing a song, and suddenly I felt overwhelmingly anxious, panicky and far from the Lord. I ended up in the bathroom on my knees talking to Jesus for a bit.
The thing is, I can’t fix me or wake me up or break my own heart or change myself – which leads me to the conclusion that if Jesus doesn’t show up, I’m toast…burnt toast. But nothing is beyond His redemption – and He’s justly and fully dealt with my sin on the cross – praise Him! He created me exactly the way He wanted me – and He’ll continue to weave my weaknesses along cords of His strength to reach and minister to others, and to sanctify me – molding me into a bride worthy of His hand – molding me to be like Jesus.

anothershower song

I find my favorite and most honest stuff comes out in the shower at the end of an anxiety-driven, enslaved-to-fear kind of day – when lies and feelings seem to be the easiest things to claim for yourself because that’s what you feel. This is where I’m at – at least partly, I’m getting there, this is a prayer. I’m learning that God’s eyes aren’t like mine – He sees me a certain glorious way that isn’t based on me, but the Gospel. He loves me – and most of the time I can’t find anything loveable in me. I want to be set free from the lie that I’m unworthy of love – and dwell in the truth that I’m loved by the Father, not based on me, but based on Him – and He doesn’t change. Bah… to be at home in love. Hope this ushers you into worship our Lord.

You are, you are my only hope, my only hope (X2)

Can you see my heart beat at the sound of your voice?
Can you see my inability to receive your love? Open me up, open me up
Can you see my heart beat at the sound of your voice?
Can you see my inability to receive your love? Open me up, open me up, for I cannot break myself.

You are, you are my only hope, my only hope (X2)

Can you see my prayer rising towards heaven, going past the ceiling despite my doubts
Can you see my prayer rising towards the heaven, going past the ceiling, despite my feeling- I know You are near.

You are, you are my only hope, my only hope (X2)

I will sing, I will sing of Your greatness – of your faithfulness throughout a thousand generations
I will sing, I will sing of your greatness – of your faithfulness throughout a thousand generations
Of your never-ending patience with my stubborn heart, I will sing, I will sing.
I will sing, I will sing of your compassion – of the gracious inclination of your heart towards me.
I will sing, I will sing of your compassion – of your heart of Justice, of how you cover me. I will sing. I will sing.

You are, you are my only hope, my only hope (X2)

quite a week

Oh it’s been quite a week – bits in recap:

Another week of double tests – God is faithful
Patient on contact precautions, so I looked like a blue smurf each time I went in the room – fun.
Grace, grace, grace – and awesome friends who love me even when I’m a jerk – left me feeling incredibly grateful this week.
GOT THE JOB AT LEXINGTON – soo happy my response was completely not professional. It went like, “really?” “yes, of course.” “OKAY, I’D LOVE TOO!” but it was met with lots of laughter. Start in May. Celebrated with red wine and cooking dinner.

Talked with my dad a lot this week – love him. He’s crazy though – running ultra’s up mountains in 10 degree weather. Not sure how we’re related. My precious mom dealt with a sobbing daughter well this week.

Saw Mr. Onken in RENT – watching him do what he loves never fails to make me smile

Craved Mr. Shelato’s cheesecake all week.

Managed to go to the gym 4 times this week – lovely escape with lovely friends. Decided on a 5k in april. Excited.

Finished Hebrews – love that book. Watched a video of persecution of Christians in India – burdened to pray for my family overseas. Longing for faith, vision, the Father’s heart. This is not my home… how easy I am to forget that truth. The Gospel – so clinging to my only hope this past week.

Tomorrow we get to teach a whole bunch of freshmen about sex ed… playing a game called “See it, smell it – name that STD” … should be fun.

Currently watching “the wedding singer,” doing laundry, munching on my veggie pizza from Mellow Mushroom.

letting go

at some point, you have to say goodbye...

...i thought i was there.

contentment

i wanted to wallow - so i did for a day. but it didn't make me feel better.

i will rejoice
i will be content
i will trust
i will chose to believe that You care for me, that You have great plans for me, and that Your timing is perfect.
i need You. i need Your grace.

Thanks in advance.
a

the past seven days...

i'm lacking some creativity, so here's a review of the week - my week.

sunday - church, actually wore dress pants instead of jeans, missed the superbowl and studied for psychosocial - lame? cooked baked tilapia, brown rice, and broccoli fo dinner.

monday - got little sleep, first psychosocial test - passed AND got candy. felt anxious all day - went to the gym - came home and crashed/slept for 2 hours. hate anxiety. watched 24 with carlton.

tuesday - slept in! got 8 hours of sleep. turned in a research critique. chart check. long night of paperwork.

wednesday - hospital. met my pt - we'll call them B - B talked very openly about the Holy Spirit. B was nice and I enjoyed caring for B. Grossest thing I've done this semester? Clean dentures. Almost puked. I know - it's the little things. went to the gym with Adrienne - we ran our first mile in under 10 minutes. ran another half in under 5 - good day. Came home to tackle my careplan and lab work - made chocolate chocolate chip muffins - surpisingly healthy recipe- no butter, high fiber, good protein, low fat, whole wheat, no fake stuff. surprisingly tasty.

thursday - early morning - lab- learned more about IVs. skipped the gym, tried to take a nap, went to Moejoe's - got prayed over by the lovely Miss Goodman - thankful for friends who encourage me. studied for community test - Adrienne made amazing french toast - thankful for friends who make tasty food for me.

today- early morning - always enjoy riding the bus - always convicted riding the bus... reveals how judgemental and critical i am. its not always negative - but it's still there - still crap :( hit Java for a few hours before the test - pretty sure I failed the test- didn't know whether to laugh or cry, so i went running instead. ran for 15 minutes - 5 minute intervals, over 1.5 miles - half way there. came home starving - ate gross combinations of food - not a good idea. talked with my mom - i love my mother.

hardest part of my week/best part of my week: my pt from last week (we'll call pt A) was still in the hospital. I went to visit A, A looked worse than last week. I talked to A's caregiver C- it was so hard not to hug C and give false hope, but C brought down the Gospel last week, so I know C has hope. still - the whole thing hurt. I almost cried on the floor. A lit up when I visited according to C - A smiled and I met A's family. A is dying - A has a few months tops to live. I wanted to cry with C. There is hope, there is hope, there is hope.

what Jesus taught me this week - 1. everything my heart longs for in relationships can only be perfectly found in Him. 2. He is not like me - He does not change, alter, leave - He loves me fully, completely, always - I am not a less loved child. Oh, if I had his eyes! 3. God likes me - He actually likes me, wants me, delights in and over me. He's not obligated to tolerate me - He actually longs for intimacy with me. 4. Apart from him I have no good thing. Good thing nothing can separate me from Him.

Convicting quote of the week: "Halfhearted Christians: They know enough to feel guilty, they don't go far enough with Christ to be happy" - via John Piper.

currently reading - Prince Caspian by CS Lewis - totally opening up my eyes to God and his character. He really likes me. Let's just keep saying that.

currently - it's snowing - it's beautiful. i'm warm and inside watching 10 things i hate about you.

week in review

sunday - participated in my first fashion show
monday - first test. passed.
tuesday - met first patient. learned to make coffee
wednesday - spilt coffee all over white scrub pants, put in an NG tube, hung IVPBs, cared for a dying man, said goodbye to my darling friend hannah b
thursday - learned how to start IVs
friday - second test. passed
saturday - decided on an interview outfit. cute.

three new recipes attempted: fudgy mocha toffee brownies, hot mocha fudge cake, oven-roasted butternut squash in garlic and oregano sauce. all successful.

stood in the coffee aisle with a complete stranger as she helped me pick out good coffee - five minutes of bonding and we didn't even exchange names. four pots of coffee made - we're still working on that. decided i like it black best. good call on the coffee choice - wish i could thank her for the help.

week in numbers: 1 running blister, 2 meg ryan movies, 3 clean rooms, and 4 loads of laundry.

life lessons: study friends are sanctifying. in the most hopeless situations, there is hope - even in the midst of death Jesus is ever present. anxiety is not a benign emotion - it is the sin of unbelief. it's possible to have a really good day and a really bad day simultaneously...handling it by baking and crying is a good way to process it if you give the brownies away. Jesus always heals and restores - He's got it. there's a reason paul said he'd "learned" to be content - still working on that one.

discovered i commonly handle stress in 3 ways: 1. trying new recipes 2. reading childrens books and watching animated movies 3. dying my hair. The downsides- my hair gets dry and i eat all the food. The upsides: CS Lewis is rocking my world with the Chronicles of Narnia (round 2), I'm getting better in the kitchen, and my cute red hat covers any hair mistakes.

currently watching Kung Fu Panda....