word vomit

Wow 2 posts in a week, I feel like that’s been a while.

I’ve had a whole bunch going on in this head of mine – I’m pretty sure I’ve word-vomited so frequently lately that my poor friends are afraid to ask me how I am. I’m blessed that they’ve dug into God’s faithful patience with me, especially over the past few weeks. There’s a lot of crap in my life that the Father wants to sanctify – I’m pretty sure it’d go easier if I just humbled myself and admitted my sin struggles and weaknesses – but no, I fight him on everything. We’re learning – I am anyways – He’s patiently staying and teaching. The past two weeks have been an all time low it seems – I’ve believed so many lies without even realizing, that I feel disoriented. It’s like falling into a deep ocean, and losing perspective on which way is up – you lose the way to oxygen. I don’t believe that Satan is creative, but he is a tricky little sucker – masquerading as an angel of light – most times I don’t even catch that I’m speaking death over myself. BUT that’s it – no more credit for him. He’s a jerk. JESUS, on the other hand, is an amazing Savior, Lord and lover. I was talking to a friend of mine in the library the other day, and somehow we got to talking about guilt and worldly sorrow vs Godly sorrow – how with worldly sorrow you just feel bad because you know you should feel bad but with Godly sorrow, you’re sad because you hurt God’s heart. So many things just clicked into place when he phrased it like that.
I could say I’ve been running away from the Lord because I don’t know how to receive or believe His love for me – and all of that is true except for the fact that He runs alongside of me and goes before me and never leaves me. All this time I’ve been “repenting” – apologizing because I knew I should feel bad for screwing up so much (which isn’t true repentance) – but God’s heart breaking over my sin hasn’t even phased me the past few weeks. There have been times in my life where I would’ve shed tears over hurting his heart. It’s not that much of a brain teaser- Satan’s goal isn’t really to make me chief of heathens by the world’s standards – it’s just to get me distracted and forget God’s heart – that He is good, that He loves me unconditionally, that sin breaks His heart and He longs for me to obey him NOT because my obedience or performance make Him love me more or because He expects me to be perfect – BUT because he loves me and knows what’s best. I forget that – and when I lose sight of that it doesn’t take much for me to end up in a dry, low spot.
I was at another friend’s house last night, and there was a musician there singing a song, and suddenly I felt overwhelmingly anxious, panicky and far from the Lord. I ended up in the bathroom on my knees talking to Jesus for a bit.
The thing is, I can’t fix me or wake me up or break my own heart or change myself – which leads me to the conclusion that if Jesus doesn’t show up, I’m toast…burnt toast. But nothing is beyond His redemption – and He’s justly and fully dealt with my sin on the cross – praise Him! He created me exactly the way He wanted me – and He’ll continue to weave my weaknesses along cords of His strength to reach and minister to others, and to sanctify me – molding me into a bride worthy of His hand – molding me to be like Jesus.