Today I found myself discouraged. For the past few weeks I've had more anxiety attacks and physical episodes of near fainting/vomiting (gross, I'm sorry). Last Tuesday I threw up in front of an entire class of 70 people - in my LAP. I was too weak to stand and go to the bathroom because I felt so light-headed and dizzy. Today, I was overcome with abdominal pain, intense cramping all over - to the point that I could hardly catch my breath. Nausea and dizziness joined in with the stomach pains and I ended up sitting in the bathroom in a cold sweat. So entirely sick of this happening and with no known reason. I've had blood drawn, and ECG done, etc. - and all of that looks fine (thankfully) - the doctor's are starting to think anxiety. These "episodes" are so different than past anxiety attacks. Whether there is a physical cause or not, I have no doubt that Satan's used these moments to discourage me.
I'm pretty honest about my anxiety - if there was going to be a time for this to happen due to anxiety it would have been last night or this morning before I bombed my pediatrics test - I was freaking out last night because I knew I was so unprepared and had no time to prepare. I had missed an entire lecture which composed half of the test the week before because I "got sick." This morning though, I woke up and had a great time with the Lord - just in prayer and claiming His promises. That's He's good, and that He's for my good. That I don't have to fear or be anxious because He's my God - He upholds me with the strength of His right arm - He's my help and my strong tower - my comforter and my redeemer. I went to the library early with Rachel, rushing to try to lay eyes on massive amounts of material - but resigned to the fact that this wouldn't be my best test and that it would be okay. I didn't feel anxious - even when I got the test and didn't know half of the answers. It wasn't until lecture started that I began to feel intense pain and get sick.
I believe God's called me to peace - to trust Him - to live anxiety-free. I believe that's a part of my inheritance - and a life that I have struggled to believe is possible. There are times when my anxiety feels like an impossibly overwhelming mountain - but it's not. It's very much a sin-struggle, a choice to move from worshipping the Lord to self-worship, pride, and unbelief. Tonight I tuned into Steven Furtick's 24 hour preaching in God's perfect timing. He said something so encouraging to me and so clearly from the Lord. The closer I am to receiving the inheritance/the promise of God - in this case no anxiety or fear, but a life of peace, rest and security (not comfort) - the stronger the resistance and opposition. Satan plays dirtier the closer I get to receiving all that God has for me, but he has no victory.
In this season I am not alone. I am a beloved daughter of the Living God and I'm convinced He's making me more like Him even in this. I know He has things to teach me in this season- places to take me in His heart. I also know that He's after my heart with all He's got - that while Satan plays dirty, Jesus relentlessly pursues me and presses His finger on everything that competes with Him for my attention and affections. My God is a fierce warrior - and while I'll have trouble in this world, He's overcome it - and in Him, I am more than a conqueror. My God is a jealous lover - faithful, gentle, persistent.
he who has been stealing must steal no longer.
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