This week was the first really challenging one of my semester. I started the year wanting to have a life - to pour into relationships and people - instead of stressing to make another 4.0.
This year I have three clinicals (M,Th,F) and two days of lecture (T,W). This week I had two exams. I've never felt so unprepared for exams, and I almost never start studying for an exam the day before I have to take it (which I totally did this week). I won't lie and say that I didn't stress at all - I was a ball of stress on Tuesday morning before my exam. I knew that material would be from the textbook - and I really struggle to read textbooks. I had spent a lot of time trying to read the text for this class (averaging an embarrassingly few amount of pages per hour) and felt like I had retained no information. Saturday, I enjoyed tailgating with friends and hanging out with my brother after the football game. I managed to catch a few hours in the library during the game (lame, I know - but it didn't seem like a good game anyways). Monday, I was blessed to get out of clinical 4 hours early! I got home around 9:30 and debated if I should run or go to the library. I put on my running shoes and hit the road. I ran for the first time without feeling like I was in a hurry to be doing something else. I kept reminding myself that I had 4 extra hours and I could run for longer, shower, and grab lunch. The weather was beautiful and I felt great - I ended up running my longest run yet at a surprisingly steady pace.
After the run I got to catch lunch with my roommates before going to study. I caught about 2 hours of study time and then headed back to the apartment for Monday night dinner. I planned on studying and only coming out of my room for about thirty minutes, but I ended up not studying at all. I scurried off to band practice for Navs and managed to catch 2-3 more hours before finally choosing sleep at midnight. I hit the library early to review my notes and read over material I hadn't covered yet - I started to physically feel anxious. I went into the test knowing that I didn't "deserve an A" and wondering how I would handle getting a B in a course (I obviously struggle with perfectionism). I also went in knowing that I had enjoyed some sweet time in community, and that had been my desire in the first place. We went over the test and I was so happy with my grade, and so convicted by God's faithfulness and grace.
I hit the books again for a few hours before Navs for my next exam - struggling to understand material I should have mastered in anatomy. I was so excited when I finally got the concept and then realized I had only covered one small part of the test. Oops. I went to Navs and enjoyed seeing people, worshipping with them, and hearing the Word of God as Jason (ironically) talked about growing up in Christ. I came home from Navs totally unmotivated to study. I felt so chill and I was just tired of school work. After an unsuccessful attempt to study, I went to bed. I hit the library before the test again in the morning, and felt surprisingly relaxed. It was so unusual that I actually began to wonder if I was subconsciously stressing. I started to worry about my lack of stress (weird) then I was reminded about how dumb that was! For the first time in my life, I realized that worrying got me nowhere good - that I really feed off of anxiety and it kicks my butt every time. I had known this about myself, but it had never clicked. Suddenly stressing about this exam would not improve my chances of magically knowing the material - if anything, it would only distract me. After all, stressing didn't help me with my Peds test - and God was faithful to provide in that situation. I felt peaceful (I'm assuming it was peace - it was such a rare feeling for me) until I got a latte - and then I experienced the caffeine-induced jitters. The test went well - so, so well.
Today, I was nervous about clinical because I knew I would be working with children. I'm always nervous about getting an uncooperative child - or one who doesn't like me. I got a miracle patient - a child incredibly blessed to be alive - and one who reminded me of God's sovereignty.
Before you read this, know that this was all the Lord and not me:
At the start of clinical, while I was waiting to receive report from my night nurse, my Peds instructor confronted me and congratulated me. I must have had a confused look on my face, because she began to explain to me that I had received the highest grade in the class. I was surprised, and I felt awkward, and then I worried that she might think that was normal for me. That's never happened before.
Two of the main things I've learned (or am learning) this week are these:
1. That I'm so quick to buy into the lie that God is not good, and that He is not for my good. When in reality, He is perfectly good and He loves me completely. Whatever happens in my life, whether good or bad, comes through the hands of my Sovereign Father first - and He has my best interest at heart. Not for earthly success, but for the sole purpose of growing me into maturity - into Christlikeness. This doesn't mean that I'll always make good grades or have good things happen all the time - it just means that He's good - regardless of what happens He's still in control and does not change.
2. I'm so quick to place my faith in the measure of my faith instead of the faithfulness of my God. My God is faithful. His faithfulness towards us is NOT determined by the level of our faith - it's based on His Word and His character. I don't deserve it. I can't earn it. I've done everything possible to break His heart - worshipping idols and whoring myself like Israel so often did. I've slowly started to see God begin to answer prayers for Godly sorrow which leads to true repentance - and at the root is the realization that I am completely unworthy and undeserving of His grace. That apart from Him I have no good thing (Ps 16:2). That's the beauty of the Gospel - that Jesus did what I could never do to bring me into a right relationship with Him - that He absorbed God's wrath towards me and that through His death and resurrection I am fully loved by God - I am fully pleasing to Him because of Jesus and Jesus only (Eph2).
the question of the night - could I say the following and it be true in my life?
"If I lose it all - You are enough. If I gain the world - You are enough. My joy is complete. Jesus, You are more than enough for me."
learning to trust and rest on His chest like a weaned child,
a
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:)
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