Letters to Little

Call me crazy, but I started a journal to Little the night I found out we were pregnant. Below is this morning’s entry, just for kicks and giggles:

The eyes of the Lord are in every place, keeping watch on the evil and the good.- Proverbs 15:3 NKJV

For You formed my inward parts; You knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are Your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret; intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in Your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. – Psalm 139:13-16 ESV

               

My precious Little –

Today you are 14 weeks and 5 days – they tell me you’re about the size of a lemon and 3 whole inches long! This week you were busy growing hair and building your vocal cords…if you are anything like me then you will have strong and loud ones J

Daddy is hanging out with Mr. Daniel and Moe-Puppy is outside chasing squirrels and sunbathing, so it’s just me and you on this quiet, sunny morning. I like sharing my mornings with you.

One thing Jesus has been reminding me of lately is the reality that He sees me. He sees you, too! This week was really busy and hard, and my feelings were very hurt at times. Plus, I was worried about you – because I know that when I’m stressed, you are living in a stressed-home, and I don’t want that! I want you to grow and thrive in a peaceful place. Though I would forget, God reminded me a few times that He saw us and all that we were going through, and that He is a safe place to come and rest.

This morning I was reminded in Proverbs that God sees everything – the good and the evil – which means He never takes His eyes off of us. That makes me feel safe because even when bad things happen, I can go to God and talk with Him about it, knowing He wasn’t absent from it. He can show me a different perspective. He can show me and teach me to see things and people the way that He sees them. He can show me His heart on the matter. So I am never alone – and I don’t have to feel alone. I can go to the Father and know that He not only sees me, but He watches over everything that concerns me because He loves me.

Not only does God see us, Little, but He sees the whole picture – the end from the beginning. So when I don’t understand or when I feel “lost in the sauce” I can choose to trust that God knows what He is doing. I can choose to trust that He is good, that He loves me, that He is faithful to work all things out for His glory and my good. The problem is making that choice, because sometimes it’s easier for me to trust my feelings. Feelings are fickle, Little – they don’t dictate what is true.

So while you’re cooking, I have to remind myself that God sees you. He is in control of your growth and development and over this pregnancy. No matter what, I can trust Him with you and with me. I have to remind myself that He sees me and your dad – He knows what we need and will help us be the parents that you need and deserve. He will help us shepherd you because you are His kid always before you are ours. While you’re cooking, Mommy is learning how to trust her Heavenly Father.

I also want you to know how intentional and purposed you are – from your body to your personality, gifts, and talents, to the days of your life – you have never gone unseen by the Lord. You’ve never been a surprise, never forgotten or unloved. You, my precious Little, are divinely purposed and intentionally created with wisdom, joy and love. Even though I can only see you through an occasional high-tech ultrasound, Jesus sees you always. He loves you so, so much. For all of your days, He will never fail to see you and to watch over all that concerns you. He is a safe place for you always.

You are so loved.

                      - Mom 

PS: You have your Mommy loving pickles, avocados, and Mexican food. You are also starting to poke out more and Moe-Puppy doesn’t know what to think! She’ll come nuzzle my belly when I sit on the floor to pet her – I think she likes you J

El Roi

I was blessed to have nearly two weeks off of work over the holiday season, even more blessed to spend that entire time with my husband, sweet puppy, and extended family over yummy food, fun games, slow mornings and more food. So when the time came for me to have to set my alarm last night to go back to work today, I wanted to cry a little. I love my job tremendously, but I was also loving Gilmore Girls marathons and 24/7 PJ parties (go on and judge).

I did not sleep well – my eyes sprung open at 1:30am and remained wide open until around 4pm…the reasons why have long escaped me. My two alarms both went off followed by a lovely snooze button, and in the stillness of the morning I was struck with such a sweet, sweet reminder:

El Roi.

The God who sees me (Genesis 16:13). The God who saw Hagar and allowed Himself to be seen by her in the midst of her affliction, desperation, and hurt is the same God who sees me and allows Himself to be seen by me. This is the God who has rescued me. This is the God who is the author of the Gospel – the author of my story – and He sees me.

This awareness that God does see all of me would normally freak me out and make me feel naked, vulnerable and exposed – waiting for “the other shoe to drop” or the disappointment to come. Normally my anxiety would be heightened and I would want to leave the conversation, the room, the country. Interestingly enough one of the possible meanings for Hagar’s name is “flight.” Sound familiar? Only this morning, I didn’t feel the urge to flee or leave this place of being and feeling seen.

I was filled with peace – not because I had undergone any affliction or felt like I was in a place of desperation – though if you had seen my hair and experienced my morning breath you may have thought otherwise. I was filled with peace that comes from being seen without being unsafely exposed. I didn’t feel like God was seeing me with critical eyes, but with the eyes of a perfect Father watching His daughter wake up.

The reality is that sometimes God does put His finger on some areas of my life that aren’t healthy or honoring to him – areas that feel raw, that I hate having exposed. He never barges in, nor is He rough – but when invited, He definitely addresses those areas of infection like any good physician would. Even in those times, He is the God who sees me and allows Himself to be seen by me because He loves me.

This morning was one of those sweet wake-up calls from the Father – “Good morning, daughter. I know it is Monday and you’re tired, but I see you. I know you want endless vacation and one more day to sleep in, but I see you. I am a safe place for you, you don’t have to pretend or ‘fake it until you make it’ today because I see you right where you are and I am more than enough for you today. I made today, it belongs to Me and I want to walk through it with you.”

Maybe you feel a bit like Hagar – running desperately and full of pain into a desert place – or maybe you’re just feeling worn out from periodic insomnia like me - Wherever you are at the start of this New Year, know that God is the God who sees you and delights in being seen by you. He longs to walk with you through the desert, the pain, the Mondays just as much as He longs to walk with you through the joy. You are seen. May that be an invitation to take rest, to take heart, and to see Him more fully in return.

all our love,

a + "little"