El Roi

I was blessed to have nearly two weeks off of work over the holiday season, even more blessed to spend that entire time with my husband, sweet puppy, and extended family over yummy food, fun games, slow mornings and more food. So when the time came for me to have to set my alarm last night to go back to work today, I wanted to cry a little. I love my job tremendously, but I was also loving Gilmore Girls marathons and 24/7 PJ parties (go on and judge).

I did not sleep well – my eyes sprung open at 1:30am and remained wide open until around 4pm…the reasons why have long escaped me. My two alarms both went off followed by a lovely snooze button, and in the stillness of the morning I was struck with such a sweet, sweet reminder:

El Roi.

The God who sees me (Genesis 16:13). The God who saw Hagar and allowed Himself to be seen by her in the midst of her affliction, desperation, and hurt is the same God who sees me and allows Himself to be seen by me. This is the God who has rescued me. This is the God who is the author of the Gospel – the author of my story – and He sees me.

This awareness that God does see all of me would normally freak me out and make me feel naked, vulnerable and exposed – waiting for “the other shoe to drop” or the disappointment to come. Normally my anxiety would be heightened and I would want to leave the conversation, the room, the country. Interestingly enough one of the possible meanings for Hagar’s name is “flight.” Sound familiar? Only this morning, I didn’t feel the urge to flee or leave this place of being and feeling seen.

I was filled with peace – not because I had undergone any affliction or felt like I was in a place of desperation – though if you had seen my hair and experienced my morning breath you may have thought otherwise. I was filled with peace that comes from being seen without being unsafely exposed. I didn’t feel like God was seeing me with critical eyes, but with the eyes of a perfect Father watching His daughter wake up.

The reality is that sometimes God does put His finger on some areas of my life that aren’t healthy or honoring to him – areas that feel raw, that I hate having exposed. He never barges in, nor is He rough – but when invited, He definitely addresses those areas of infection like any good physician would. Even in those times, He is the God who sees me and allows Himself to be seen by me because He loves me.

This morning was one of those sweet wake-up calls from the Father – “Good morning, daughter. I know it is Monday and you’re tired, but I see you. I know you want endless vacation and one more day to sleep in, but I see you. I am a safe place for you, you don’t have to pretend or ‘fake it until you make it’ today because I see you right where you are and I am more than enough for you today. I made today, it belongs to Me and I want to walk through it with you.”

Maybe you feel a bit like Hagar – running desperately and full of pain into a desert place – or maybe you’re just feeling worn out from periodic insomnia like me - Wherever you are at the start of this New Year, know that God is the God who sees you and delights in being seen by you. He longs to walk with you through the desert, the pain, the Mondays just as much as He longs to walk with you through the joy. You are seen. May that be an invitation to take rest, to take heart, and to see Him more fully in return.

all our love,

a + "little"