gracious uncertainty

 Prepare yourself for a scatterbrained post...
Today was a day of firsts for me:
1. First time watching a royal wedding; embarassingly fascinated with two total strangers.
2. First time begging a man not to tow a car - first time getting my car towed.
3. First time celebrating graduation/jobs with Rachel and Adrienne

In other news:
Sometimes I wonder if I really ever learn...if I really ever "get" it - whatever "it" might be. It's incredibly frustrating. Here's a common lesson, a simple lesson, that's been on repeat for a while:

My faith cannot be in my faith. My faith must be in the faithfulness of my God.
My belief cannot be in my level/feeling of belief or what I believe about God. My belief must be in God Himself.

I'm not sure how it's going - but I feel like I'm not the brightest student.

In My Utmost for His Highest, Oswald talked today about "Gracious Uncertainty" - about how when we have completely surrendered everything to the Lord, we can be certain only of God Himself (His Word, His promises, His character).  Everything else in our life exists in a state of gracious uncertainty because we are completely abandoned to the Lord - and though we don't know what He has for us, we know who He is and we can rest solely in Him. He also talks about the lesson I mentioned above. I want this to be true of me, true of my relationship with the Lord. That I am at home in gracious uncertainty - because I am certain of God Himself.

I was talking to Quintin, one of the Nav leaders in Clemson, tonight about finances. He works at a bank and was telling me all kinds of things about budgeting - which, as boring as it sounds, was really awesome and helpful.  After our conversation, I was walking back inside and it hit me that I was really beginning to make decisions I had never thought of making on my own. I don't think I really planned on being in a committed relationship or engaged, but I do think I grew up sorta thinking it would happen at this point in my life (it might be a girl thing, it might be a southern thing). Now that I'm here, I'm really okay being single - I can't imagine my life differently. It was just a thought that came - quickly and in a little bit of a "Wow" tone - that I was thinking about the next step in my life without really leaving room, or waiting, for a relationship. That tiny surge of "confidence" about growing up was followed by that "oh crap, adulthood" thought.

A bit later, I found myself in a conversation that I had successfully avoided for an entire year. Though the topic had weighed heavy on my heart the past few months, I had recently resigned myself to drop it. For those of you that know me, you know that I'm generally incredibly outspoken and am often too blunt. However, as bold and as courageous as I would like to be, I generally wimp out when it comes to conversations like this. As much as I've played out exactly what I would say if I could muster up the confidence, I'm quick to keep quiet. Then it happened - it came out of left field - and it was met with fumbling and stuttering like you wouldn't believe. No one has ever beat around the bush so ungracefully. With my head still spinning, I drove home thinking about gracious uncertainty, amid other things.  While I'm still processing, I know that this is true: while what I hoped for was good, greater things are yet to come.

Do I feel uncertain? Yes...so many things are in the air and trying to juggle them can be overwhelming, if not impossible. While my first impulse is to become anxious, that's not of the Lord at all.  Regardless of my feelings, my Father is faithful, sovereign, and good...of His character, I can certainly rest assured. I do not walk alone.

<3 a


PS: I'm moving here in July....