slow mornings

Over the last couple of weeks my sleep schedule has had a mind of its own.  I'm usually up around three, six, and then very awake by seven am.  I like not having to set an alarm on most days, especially on my days off.  There's something so peaceful about waking up to the sound of rain, or birds (or both depending on the time) and being able to stay in bed for a bit.  There's no rushing, no stress - just this quiet stillness that surrounds you as you're nestled in sheets.  You just get to meet the day.

This is probably my favorite part of the day. It's not because I like being awake more than I like sleeping, but because I get to have a few minutes just to pray before I get up.  Before the day gets too crazy, before I encounter trialing circumstances or surprise upsets, and before I hear any type of news, both good and bad, I have a minute to just talk to my Maker.

Most of the time He hears groaning - in fact, I didn't speak for the first 20 minutes of being awake in the morning during high school.  Every "Good Morning!" was met with a "Ughrrah" and a yawn. Still, there's something quite honest about the time I spend half praying/half snoozing. 

I've been thinking about my struggle with perfectionism lately. I'm exhausted from trying to compete, measure up, compare, etc. in every aspect of my life - there's so much judgment and criticism. It's a completely mental battle, and it's impossible to rest and find joy when you're believing lies rooted in appearance and performance. Like Solomon said - it's all vanity. I'm reminded that while man looks at the outward appearance, God looks at the heart. I wonder what He sees when He looks at my heart. I wonder what it would be like to see like He sees - to have His vision - to see the hearts of others and how much He cherishes each one.  I was reading in Proverbs 31 this morning, and as I read about this insanely awesome woman, I kept thinking "Oh, I need to be like that. Oh, I should do this. Oh, this looks like..." and then I realized how sneaky that works-based mentality is! It's so easy for me to go into that pattern of dysfunctional thinking! And then I got to the end of the chapter: "Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain. But a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised."

There is this overwhelming invitation from Jesus Christ into grace and rest . Thank God! His burden is light (and free of vanity, striving, and insecurity).