Ever have those moments when someone asks you how your life is going after a long period of time has passed between conversations with them? You feel like you have so much to tell, not enough to tell, big stuff and little stuff, and you have no idea where to begin? What comes out is a big pile of scatterbrained mess? Welcome to this blog post.
I am currently sitting in MoeJoe's Coffee shop with my sister HannahB, curled up in this adorable (but old and well-loved) yellow-ish chair. I feel like a regular, practically living in this place. There's a barista who always knows the best hot teas to get (because they never order the same ones twice it seems) and he can recall every tea I like. There's a residency application to Vanderbilt sitting on the desk beside me and the second book of the Harry Potter series in my backpack. This is a rare moment - coming to a coffee shop with blogging, reading, and residency forms on my to-do list. I feel very much at-home.
Lately, I've felt very anxious. Suddenly anxious about the lack of funding I have for Ecuador, suddenly worried about not making the grade I think I need to have on my finals, getting something less than a 4.0 this semester, worrying that I'm not a competitive candidate for residencies and jobs, worrying about letting family members down because maybe they'll see that I'm human and I say dumb, inappropriate things all the time that hurt people (whether intentionally or not). This past weekend I woke up in a panic attack (that's a bad sign for how the rest of your day could go, by the way). As I stepped out of the shower, I realized that all of my anxiety was not only self-worship, but idolatry. I was placing my faith in my GPA to get me into a residency program instead of placing my faith in God the Father. And how often have I seen the Lord provide financially for me to go abroad??
Today I was reading in Matthew 5-7 - realizing how much the Lord longs to speak to us and meet us in secret. There's something incredibly intimate and beautiful about wanting to get away with your beloved. Not only does He want to meet with us in the secret place, but He commands us not to worry. I've read this passage more times than I can remember, but today something struck me in a new light. As I'm enjoying this season of my life and preparing for the next, God tells me not to worry about the simple things such as food and clothing. He points to the birds and the flowers - neither work or cause anything to grow, but He takes care of them. He ends by reminding us to seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and promises that "all these things shall be added unto you" when we do. He goes on in the first few verses of chapter 7 to remind us that He's the Perfect Father - to ask, seek and knock - and then to receive from Him.
I've wasted time worrying about the simple things in life - where I will live, where I will work, who I will meet, can I live alone and support myself? Jesus simply tells me to stop worrying. He knows exactly what I need and, being perfect, knows exactly how to give good gifts to His kids. He tells me to ask. He longs to meet me in the secret place.
Henry Clay spoke directly to my heart when he said something similar to this statement, "The extent of your confidence in the flesh is determined by the strength of your prayer life. If you have a weak prayer life, you are putting all confidence in the flesh. You are not depending on the Lord, but on your own abilities. If you have a strong prayer life and consistently come before the Father laying all things before His feet you leave nothing to boast in the flesh."
The residency applications can wait. The final exams and the Harry Potter books can wait. Whatever you have to do today can wait. My Husband, your Husband, is inviting you into the secret place to get to know Him- will we answer Him? Nothing is to small or to big to bring before Him.
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