insecurity part 1

I grew up in a smallish town and went to an even smaller school. From as far back as I can remember, every year there was a girl in my class who made my school year a living hell. She came in different forms each year, but you can ask my mother - we spent countless hours full of tears and back rubs and prayer in my room each night. Girls fight dirty in the cruelest fashion.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I looked into my mom's face and I fought back tears this past weekend as she said, "I've really been praying about your self-esteem." She went on to speak a lot of encouragement over me - the kind I brush off because I don't know how to receive. Her honest confession has been running through my head ever since.

I drove home, listening to "Fearfully and Wonderfully Made" courtesy of Pastor Steven Furtick. Tears began to surface as he told a story about his three year old son - his own flesh and blood - going through a period of hiding from him. He was suddenly embarrassed to be seen naked while his dad helped him get a bath. Pastor F's response was, "Boy, I made you. I saw your ultrasound! Stop hiding from me and get into the bath tub." I remembered my friend Mark telling us a story about his niece and dirty diapers, relating God to a good dad who picks us up, cleans us, and loves us. I started to wonder where this intense fear of rejection and abandonment comes from - where this fear of "messing up beyond repair" comes from - where this inability to see anything beautiful or worthwhile in myself comes from. I am beginning to see patterns.

I'm sensitive. so sensitive. I've lost track of how many times this week I've let another woman hurt me. I'm seeing bitterness pop up over wounds I thought had already been addressed, trying to eradicate lies with truth. Psalm 138 and 139 have been read multiple times this week - each time my eyes are moist over the beauty and the hope of the Gospel - Satan is silenced for a moment in the presence of Scripture.

God put me together from the inside out - I was not thrown together in a haphazard manner. Apart from Christ I was dead, having no good thing. In Christ I am a wonderful masterpiece. Before the foundations of the world were spoken into existence, God knit me together with purpose and intention. Dear soul, find security in Christ alone.