transformation

this past Thursday Louie Giglio came and spoke at FCA - I was excited to have my dad come up and get to hear Louie - a few things struck me:

1. I watched as hundreds of students pushed and shoved to get in the building to see one man preach - to hear one man's words - and I was one of them. I wondered how many other students were like me - pushing and shoving so selfishly with the mindset of hearing from a great communicator instead of hearing from the Lord. Don't get me wrong, I believe it can be both - but I realized as I settled into my seat that I had not come with pure motives. Sure, I wanted to hear Louie speak and I wanted him to tell me something in a way that would make things snap into place for me - wake me up from this complacent and hard heart - but I was waiting to hang on the words of a man rather than on the words of the Lord that Louie would speak. I pushed and shoved not to get to Jesus - because had another speaker been scheduled I probably wouldn't have stayed up to go to FCA. I had pushed and shoved to get to a man that I thought, in some twisted way had a better access to the Spirit than I, or something like that. I realize that I do that a lot - I tend to take my focus off of the Lord and place it on great men and women of God - at the end of the day they're an imperfect sinner like I am... the only difference is that my eyes are too busy looking at them looking at the Lord rather than gazing on His face directly.
2. i've struggled (an understatement) with my salvation, wrestled with my story, battled doubt for the majority of my life. for one, I don't remember when I came to know the Lord because I was so young - since then, I've come to know the Lord - but each time I begin to feel bombarded with doubt I pray that silly sinner's prayer again. Lately, I've just felt like a ridiculous failure - I don't understand how someone can see how screwed up they are and yet still be so prideful and stubborn about it - but my heart has been hard- so hard lately. I'm not okay with it at all, but trying to "fix it" or "change it" only makes it worse. Louie said a lot of things Thursday that resonated with me - I needed to hear them and wanted to hear them. He said something so simple and it was exactly the truth I needed to hear.

The Gospel is NOT bad people believing in Jesus trying to become better.
The Gospel is DEAD people being raised to LIFE.
I was dead and Jesus brought me to life in Him - He is my life.

For so long I've struggled with my story - never being a bad kid or having some sort of crazy testimony in which one moment I was a drug-abuser/prostitute/you-name-it-I-did-it-kid, who came to know Jesus, then experienced complete freedom and obvious transformation from my former lifestyle. I recognize now how messed up I am - and the past few months have been spent trying to break strongholds - trying to feel like less of a mess - trying to "become better." When the reality is, I don't know if I've ever identified myself with the death and resurrection of Christ. I've believed it, but identifying myself with it means that 1. Christ died once all - it's finished. 2. I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, the life I live in the body I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave Himself for me (Gal2:20). I don't have to try to break strongholds on my own strength because I'm dead - and Christ is more than sufficient for me.