the past few weeks have been quite a whirlwind - and now that things seem to be settling, I still find myself feeling tense, anxious, and wondering what to do with my precious free time. I wish the thumping of my heart would just go away - for most of this past week, I've felt constantly like a panicked animal - like a frozen squirrel you walk by on the sidewalk before they run up a nearby tree. I have no explanation for this feeling, really.
Saturday was a crazy day of moving in, followed by a few days of unpacking and settling in. Every time I leave home I feel this overwhelming feeling of emotions - ones of excitement, and ones that make me want to curl up in a ball on my bedroom floor and refuse to grow up. You might think that after three years of moving out and starting a new school year I would be used to this whole process of change - but can you really get used to change? I feel like that might be a contradiction. Still, I think it's possible to learn how to handle change well, and I wish I had that mastered.
Tuesday I had my first anxiety attack in a while - its like a beast lurking in the shadows - you know its coming but it hits when you're weak. I've never felt so frustrated or hopeless - fighting to breathe and not throw up as I'm laying in my living room trying to speak truth. Voices just taunting me with lies - fighting against the belief that my anxiety will rule my life for the rest of my life - it just seems so impossible that I could be free from it - that I could never have to struggle with it again.
Tuesday night: God reminds me of Joshua and Jericho - of the Israelites - of His command to be "strong and courageous" to "not be terrified, do not be discouraged for the Lord your God goes with you wherever you may go." (Josh 1:9). He reminds me of how impossible and impenetrable the walls of Jericho seemed to the Israelites - and yet how He brought them crashing down. He reminded me that the battle is the Lord's - that He's already won - and that Satan has no power over me except that which I give him. Peace reigned - even if it was just for a few moments - and that ignited hope.
Wednesday - Psych orientation. The class I've literally been dreading. I mean, if there is a class I've ever been terrified about - it is this one, and I am not exaggerating when I say I feel terrified. The kind of fear that paralyzes you and makes you want to find any and every excuse to not go to clinical. It's irrational - for sure - but I'm being honest. I called my mom after clinical orientation and cried like a baby. For reasons I literally can't mention - but they exist.
Thursday - Peds orientation - the fear I had about working with children is almost gone - I'm now excited about this class. Still nervous about working with kids, but really excited about my professor - who's also my clinical leader. It should be good.
Friday - OB orientation - pumped. Enough said.
Ways you can pray for me:
1. Pray for discipline in my quiet times, prayer life, and scripture memory - it's normally the first thing to go when my life gets busy but the only thing I need.
2. Pray for application of the Word and humility/a teachable heart
3. Pray that I would confidently claim the victory I have in Christ over my struggle with anxiety and self-worship
4. Pray for peace - peace all over - in my daily life and especially in my clinicals (psych for sure).
5. Pray for opportunities to share/be the Gospel as I spend time with my classmates, professors, and patients
6. Pray for an outlet in which I can safely process all that happens in clinical - that I won't clam up about the hard experiences, but that I would process everything in a healthy manner.
thanks loves,
a
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