i should be asleep

patience

i was driving to work the other day and i was thinking about things. among those things was something a flirty coworker said in passing. as i'm driving to work i just started praying. my heart was aching - you know like that ache you get when you really really want or wish for something. i realized that my life was turning out differently than i once thought it might. i thought that maybe i'd go off to school, meet someone by my sophomore year, get married out of school and have a family. haha.

its scary to have conflicting dreams. there's so much i want to do with my life and none of it do i want to do alone - and i know that the truth is i'm never alone, but you know. at the same time, there was a sweet moment of surrender in the car on the way to work.

my life is turning out differently than i once thought. i never planned my wedding as a kid or had serious thoughts about prince charming - but i think the heart longs for companionship and intimacy. and although its different than i might have imagined, my life is good. in the deep kind of way, it's good because the Lord has His hand on me.

one of my dear friends was telling me about a bold comment one of our brothers in Christ said to her - they were talking about getting married and she made the comment that she hoped she would one day - his response was that he was confident that he would, because it was a desire the Lord had laid on his heart. i loved hearing her retell the story.

the subject of relationships has come up a lot for me recently, that's why i'm word-vomiting now. i think i'm at a place where the Lord knows my heart about such things - we've had some good chats - but really, I'm learning that He's got it. He's had his hand on me since before I was born, He placed me at the right school with the flip of a coin, He's provided everything I've needed and almost everything I've wanted, and I'm confident that as I learn to delight myself in Him, He'll give me the desires of my heart. I'm pretty sure that as I delight myself in Him, my desires will become more like His desires - that's the prayer anyways.

so it's 11:32pm, and the house at 211 Holladay Rd is silent save a few croaking frogs and the tapping of a dancing keyboard. there's a 21 year old woman sitting indian-style on a hard wooden chair punching out streams of thoughts, thinking about how much she may regret staying up this late when her alarm buzzes in the morning. the thing about this scene - the things that you can't hear, see, or invision are her thoughts. they come, weaving in and out of each other into one tangled mess of gratefulness, uncertainty, excitement, and confidence. though its silent, she's not alone. there's a presence with her that's confident, sovereign, and affectionate. on her own she's uncertain, but her confidence increases the moment she chooses to belief that He's got it.