My Husband Is Not a Woman and Other Life Lessons of a Newlywed

I feel like I’ve fallen off the face of the earth – the past 10 weeks have been such a whirlwind. We got married, went on our honeymoon, came back and started settling into our tiny new home. I went back to work, Ray started at a new Home Depot store, we spent our days off huddled up at home, soaking up the time we had together like thirsty sponges. We went from long distance and independent lives to being married and cohabitating overnight…and the transition has been both beautiful and challenging.  We coexisted in a honeymoon bubble – our “cocoon” for as long as possible, and then we left the bubble and travelled back to South Carolina.

It’s a weird thing. When the home you grew up in, the place you’ve always called “home” even though you haven’t lived there in years – no longer feels the same. It’s weird, when you start a new family and your new family meets your original family – and everything is new.  It’s different – not necessarily bad, maybe momentarily disjointed – but marriage changes things. Marriage has changed me. 

I no longer get to do whatever I want all the time.  I can’t go to South Carolina whenever I want just because I feel like it – I can’t sleep in the middle of the bed anymore – and I can’t buy whatever I want just because I want it. I could, but it wouldn’t benefit my husband or my marriage, therefore, it wouldn’t benefit me.  Now we get to navigate the waters or coordinating schedules, budgeting, and kicking each other when we snore.  Now we watch Blacklist and Die Hard instead of Scandal or Pride and Prejudice.  Now we tag team chores and learn how to build relationships with in-laws, we do each other’s laundry (for better or worse) and share a bathroom. And with each passing day of being married, I find myself grappling with a couple of truths:

1.       My insecurity undermines the foundation of our marriage and my relationship with Jesus.

2.       Marriage is NOT 50/50

3.       My husband is not a woman

Before we got married I knew that my insecurity and low sense of self-worth negatively affected my relationships with others, I just didn’t know to what extent.  The truth is, I can’t love my husband well when I’m wallowing in insecurity, believing the lies of culture and Satan, because I am too busy being self-absorbed. Not only can I not love him well, but I can’t receive his love either. I spend so much time believing lies (like I’m not enough) that when he speaks truth to me, “Alex, I love you. I find you beautiful.” I instantly discount it – “Well you married me, you’re supposed to say things like that.”  It hurts his heart on a level that I’m not sure I fully realize – but it has made me realize how much God’s heart is for me, how His heart is hurt when I discount what He says about me, when I choose to believe the world instead. My husband chose me, loves me, is for me – and he’s just a human example of God – who chose me, loves me, and is for me. When I stay in a funk of insecurity, fissures and cracks start to form in my relationship with Ray and with Jesus – I communicate distrust and unbelief to both of them, I distance myself from them, I’m selfish towards them, and the intimacy in both relationships suffers. I’ve never been more acutely aware of the danger and the bondage of insecurity than I am now.  And so the baby steps of walking in freedom start now in the grace of Christ.

Marriage is not 50/50. I’m not sure how many times we were told this before we got married, and it wasn’t that I didn’t believe those folks – I just hadn’t experienced it firsthand. Ray does so much around the house – I’m honestly blessed and probably spoiled. However, the last few weeks have been crazy for both of us, especially tough being on opposite schedules the last two weeks. The sink has constantly been full of dishes, the bathroom sink broke, the dryer broke, the sink broke again, the house was a wreck, the living room cluttered, and the French press (our beloved source of caffeine) always full of old coffee grounds. I walked into the kitchen one night before work and one glance at the full kitchen sink had me instantly frustrated. The last thing I wanted to do before work was wash dishes, and Ray had been off all day – why was the kitchen such a mess?  Marriage is not 50/50, Alex. The last thing you want to do on your days off is to do dishes, too. He needed a day to rest. Suddenly doing the dishes before work was a joy – because it meant that my husband could take a break after working so hard all week. There are many weeks, days, moments when Ray gives much more to our marriage, to me than I do, and every now and then he lets me do the same for him.

My husband is not a woman.  Again, nothing I hadn’t heard before – but hearing and seeing are two different experiences. He does not want to watch chick flicks; he could care less about decorating for Christmas, and most of the time he doesn’t care what we eat for dinner as long as it’s edible.  I stared at Christmas stockings for 20 minutes in Target the other day trying to figure out which ones to get for our first Christmas…he probably wouldn’t even get stockings.   When it comes to signing thank you cards or birthday cards, he probably would just sign his name whereas I write a novel – in fact, I ordered Christmas cards that he hasn’t even seen because he honestly has no preference.  When I want to talk about how I’m feeling, his general response is a “fix it” saying… when what I catch myself wanting is what any one of my friends would say – “what’s up?” “Tell me more.” “how so.” Etc. My husband just wants me to be ok. If I’m worried, he wants to say “We’ll be fine.” “You got this.” but I need to verbally process, not feel cut off. If I’m upset, he wants to tell me what I should do while I just want a hug and to vent. I want him to respond like a woman –but he is not a woman. He’s a man, and he loves me in a masculine way. It’d be weird if he didn’t. This is not to say that Ray doesn’t serve me, or love me in a way that I receive it – he would take me to see a chick flick for my sake, but not as his first choice. And often times, he listens patiently to me before responding with his thoughts. But if my expectation is that he responds like one of my girlfriends, we’re in for a frustrating journey. He’s a dude. He will never be able to fill all of my needs or wants, including my heart for genuine community with other women. Likewise for him – he needs time with his friends – he needs football and beer and all that is testosterone. Honestly, I’m so thankful that Ray loves me the way that he does – I’m seeing more and more the beauty of the Gospel because when we love as a couple, we love more completely – and the world gets a better picture of who God is and how He loves.

All my love from Music City,

-a

A Desperate Desert and a Well of Water

So I’ve been reading through Genesis as part of my quiet time, and I’ve been reading all about Abraham lately. While there’s so much I could share with you guys about what God’s been teaching me, I want to focus on something I read today.

First, a little background: God shows up in Genesis 12 and calls this man Abram to leave his home and follow Him. He promises to make Abram a great nation, to bless him and make his name great, and even promises that Abram would be a blessing to others. God promises to bless those who blessed Abram and curse those who cursed him…”and in you (Abram) all the families of the earth shall be blessed.” (Genesis 12:1-3, KNJV). So Abram leaves his home and follows God, but let it be known that He was childless. His wife Sarai was barren and they were old. Biologically speaking, the time for popping out babies was over. So where was this nation going to come from? Sarai decides that the only way for Abram to have a kid, a future heir, is to give him her handmaiden Hagar (a common practice for that time and culture, but still a bit screwed up). So Abram and Hager have a son together named Ishmael.  Before Ishmael is born, Hagar runs away from Sarai (they had a little tension), but God appears to her and calls her back to Sarai and Abram. In Genesis 16:13 says, “Then she (Hagar) called the name of the LORD who spoke to her, “You-Are-the-God-Who-Sees”; for she said, “Have I also here seen Him who sees me?””  Hagar goes back to Abram and Sarai, and God shows up and makes a covenant to Abram – changes his name to Abraham and Sarai’s name to Sarah – and promises Abraham and Sarah a son of their own – Isaac, the son of the promise, the son of the covenant – through which the Hebrew nation would be born.  Sarah laughs at God when she hears this – because again, the baby making days were long gone.

Genesis 21 begins… “And the LORD (Yahweh) visited Sarah as He said, and the LORD did for Sarah as He had spoken. For Sarah conceived and bore Abraham a son in his old age, at the set time of which God had spoken to him.” (v1-2).

Can we just sit in that for a second? The LORD not only makes promises, He keeps them…and He doesn’t just fulfill His promises, He fulfills them at the set time.

Moving on: When Isaac is weaned, Abraham throws a huge feast, and Sarah happens to catch Ishmael (now about 13, if I’m doing my math correctly) scoffing (what teen doesn’t scoff, right?) and tells Abraham to cast out Hagar and Ishmael. This distresses Abraham, because Ishmael is his son too! But God shows up and tells Abraham to heed the voice of his wife Sarah, indicating that He will take care of Ishmael as well. So Abraham obeys God again, and gives Hagar some bread and water and sends her and Ishmael away.  They wonder in the wilderness and eventually run out of water. Hagar hides Ishmael under some bushes and walks away – “for she said to herself, ‘Let me not see the death of the boy.’ So she sat opposite him, and lifted her voice and wept (Genesis 21:16).”

Here’s where it gets good: “And God heard the voice of the lad. Then, the angel of God called to Hagar out of heaven, and said to her, ‘What ails you, Hagar? Fear not, for God has heard the voice of the lad where he is. Arise, lift up the lad and hold him with your hand, for I will make him a great nation. Then God opened her eyes, and she saw a well of water. And she went and filled the skin with water, and gave the lad a drink. So God was with the lad; and he grew and dwelt in the wilderness, and became an archer. He dwelt in the wilderness of Paran; and his mother took a wife for him from the land in Egypt (Genesis 21:17-21).

Few things that stood out to me:

1.       Hagar had already seen God show up in her life – “You are the God who sees me.” She had already been given a promise by God that He would take care of Ishmael as well. And yet, at the end of her rope and what she thought was their lives, she speaks to herself. She weeps.  And when God shows up, He doesn’t say that it was her voice He heard, but Ishmael’s.

2.       God hears us and shows up. He heard Ishmael where he was and met Hagar and Ishmael in the middle of their desert, where they were, as they were – hopeless, weeping, fearful, and what they thought was near death.

3.       God addresses Hagar by name – He recognizes her agony and encourages her not to fear. He is personal – He sees her and speaks hope into her seemingly hopeless situation.

4.       God opens her eyes.  In Hagar’s desperation, in the middle of the desert she found herself in, God opens her eyes to see a well of water. When Hagar's resources had run out, God opened her eyes to His provision. When all Hagar saw was a desert – was pending death –God shows up and shows her a well of water – He provides life-giving, sustaining, replenishing, refreshing water.

5.       God was with Ishmael – and while His covenant with Abraham was fulfilled through Isaac, He kept His promise to Hagar. He keeps His word. He is present with us. The same God who showed up and visited Sarah, fulfilling His promise to Abraham and Sarah through Isaac, is the same God who showed up in the lives of Hagar and Ishmael.

I’m not sure where this hits you, if it hits you at all, but maybe you just need to know that God sees you. He knows you’re name, He hears you where you are, and He will meet you there. Maybe you’ve never heard that truth, or maybe (like me) you need to be reminded that you are known, heard, and seen by God Most High. Maybe you need God to open your eyes to see a well of water in the middle of your desert – maybe you’re at the end of your rope, or you’re in a low place and you just need life-giving and life-sustaining refreshment. Maybe you’re just struggling to see what God sees as God sees, like me, and you just need Him to open your eyes, to renew your vision.  Maybe you've exhausted all of your resources, options, and wisdom and you just need new eyes to see His faithful and full provision. I believe He will open our eyes, all we need to do is ask in faith. In the middle of our lowest, darkest, driest and barren places – the living God meets us there.  Maybe you need to hear that God is present. He doesn’t just see you – He stays with you. His heart is for you – He loves you completely and constantly, and no matter where you are, in whatever season, He is with you. You are not alone in the desert, and you are not outside of the grace of God. Maybe you just need to be reminded that God keeps His word – He is trustworthy. He is for your good, and at the set time He will show up and provide for you. Like it was in Sarah’s situation, it might not look like what you think – she acted in her own wisdom with suggesting Abraham have a baby with Hagar. However, God redeems all things. He makes all things beautiful.

 

lots of love,

a

Postdate: Winter

I’ve had a few things written in my journal that I’ve wanted to post and haven’t taken advantage of my free time to type them out. This particular post is from this winter, and there will probably be a few more postdates to follow. It’s been such a good reminder to read back over the last year of my life in paper, to see God’s faithfulness in spite of my forgetfulness, to relearn lessons from a different perspective, to see God’s goodness and His hand in my life with renewed vision. Here it goes, and like always, it’s long:

This past week has proven more than any other time that I am in fact an introvert. A friend has been crashing my house and I’ve worked overtime this week. I feel exhausted. The thought of interacting with people makes me feel overwhelmed and anxious at the moment. Ironically, I find myself at The Well, a coffee shop teeming with people. Even now I feel mildly overstimulated.

Having someone live with me for the past few days has taught me a few things:

1.       I am introverted. I need my slow mornings alone with no one else up or present. I need uninterrupted time with Jesus privately. I need time to myself in the mornings or else I feel off center after a while, irritable and stressed.

2.       I am independent. Someone else cooking and cleaning has become foreign to me. Things are done differently. Maybe I have a mild case of OCD, but I’ve learned/am learning to appreciate the help and company.

3.       My house, resources and I are all avenues for ministry. Jesus can use a couch, a cup of tea, and reruns of favorite TV shows maybe just as well to replenish and nourish a soul as a church service or bible study…at least, I think He can. I hope He can. I hope more than ever that she has found a place of encouragement here, that she has been ministered to and blessed during her stay…Not because of me, but maybe Jesus moving in me. I hope He is. I hope it’s His house, His couch, His resources and Himself doing the work.

4.       I am selfish and prone to gossip. Being an introvert is fine, but being selfish is not. Venting can be healthy to unleash, but gossip is never ever beneficial or right. As a human and as a woman, I am prone to both. I am used to having my own space, and no one to consider outside of myself in that space. My mornings and life have routines that don’t include other things or people. So having someone new in that space coexisting with their own routines colliding with yours is a rude awakening. My couch where I have my quiet times in the morning, where I watch TV at night, is now someone else’s bed. My bathroom, which I normally have to myself, is now being shared when I’m typically most in need of space to myself. All at once, I’m suddenly irritated that someone is in my shower, or that someone else is awake, or that I tiptoe around my apartment trying not to wake another soul.

Another soul.

How selfish of me to be so stingy with my space – to be so stuck in routine that I miss the reality that this other person is not just a body but a soul. Not just another form of matter taking up space, but a child of God – a reflection of Him, a treasure who has done nothing wrong at all, who does not deserve irritation or frustration at all. They deserve nothing but love, compassion, and grace. It would be revolutionary if I could see as Jesus sees.

In Mark 6 you see Jesus send out the 12 disciples 2 by 2 to do ministry. When they get back in v30 and tell Him all about what happened, Jesus calls them to come away to a deserted place and “rest a while” (v31). BUT starts v32, as a “multitude” follows them and arrive before them. Can you imagine the disciples first thoughts as they pull the boat up to shore and see thousands of people clamoring for attention, hungry for healing?  I can imagine mine would be far from pretty or loving or kind. Yet Jesus’ response?

“And Jesus, when he came out, saw a great multitude and was moved with compassion for them, because they were like sheep not having a shepherd. So He began to teach them many things.”

                                                                                                                                                -Mark 6:34 NKJ

The disciples don’t utter a recorded word until later in the day. They wanted Jesus to send the people away to get food with their own resources. When challenged to meet their (the multitude’s) need, the disciples cried out in disbelief, thinking monetarily (or “practically”). Jesus points them to the resources they already have and tells them to bring them to Him.

There’s a quote my friend Anne shared with me once, I have it tacked to my bulletin board at home. It references the lesson of the loaves:

  “Human resources, no matter how limited, when willingly given and divinely inspired are more than enough to accomplish divine goals.” – S.Briscoe

I wonder what the difference was between Jesus’ and the disciples’ vision in this circumstance? I think Jesus was equally fatigued – later you see Him withdrawing by Himself to pray. I think the disciples see their fatigue, the overwhelming crowd and their limited resources. I think Jesus saw with compassion. He saw past His fatigue and saw individuals without a Savior. He saw that limited resources were unleashed in the limitless power of God.

You know the end of the story – Jesus feeds over 5,000 people and has only 5 loaves and 2 fish to start with. He gathers 12 basketfuls of leftovers, conveniently the same number of disciples. Later, in v52, Mark lets us know that the disciples were a bit daft: ”For they had not understood about the loaves, because their heart was hardened.”

How many times have I heard this story and my heart been hardened? I pray it’s soft now…soft enough for the lesson of the loaves to sink deep into my heart and take root. That I would learn to see as Jesus sees:

                That in my fatigue and exhaustion and burnout He is my Sustainer, my Rest, my Supply and Shield

                That in my limited self He is limitless

                That He provides what I need before I’m aware of my need, and that when I place it back into His hands it meets and exceeds the needs of the multitude.

                That compassion drives the direction of my actions. Jesus’ response to the multitude flowed out of His compassion for them. I can’t begin to minister to others until I have compassion for myself and for others.

 

Compassion for myself sounds selfish, but it’s true, I think. If I can’t accept the ugliest parts of me with compassion then I’ll never see myself as Jesus sees me. I’ll never be driven to the Shepherd until I see my lack of and need for Him…and I’ll never come to Him (for fear of punishment) if I don’t believe He sees me with compassion. Furthermore, I’ll never walk in genuine compassion until I’ve experienced His personally and practice it in my life towards myself and others. This is not justifying sin, but embracing God’s grace for me in Jesus.

When I begin to see others with compassion, it’s a sign that I’ve experienced life with the Shepherd and want that for others. I no longer see them with the harshness I once viewed myself with because I am not far removed from where they are. I was a sheep without a shepherd, but now I am home in His love. My resources are in His hands and all things are possible. I know longer need to worry on how He’ll provide rest or meet my needs, I can trust that He will and walk with Him – an instrument of His to love, to teach, and to feed the multitude.

God created me as an introvert. He knows that I like quiet mornings and that I need time alone to replenish. However, in my selfishness I have missed opportunities to have compassion on others. I’ve seen my fatigue, my exhaustion and irritability, and my lack outside of His hands. If I could learn to place all of me, even the most exhausted, grossest, ugliest self into His compassionate hands, maybe multitudes would encounter the Good Shepherd. Maybe they would see His power and faithfulness in my incredible weakness.

love,

a

 

Jesus is Faithful.

My goodness! Has it really been since February?! So quick update: I’m engaged! I have no wisdom teeth or tonsils anymore. I am still alive. I'll commence with a more detailed update:

The past few months have every right to be labeled as “bad” – there has been a lot of goodness, a lot of joy, a lot of fun – but overall, life has been one frustrating, exhausting, difficult, thing after the next – I feel like I have been continuously pounded by the ocean during a storm. Surgeries, unforeseen expenses, incorrect bills, infection and delayed healing, intense and continuous pain, loss of physical energy, adverse reactions to medication including (but not limited to) some pretty rough depression, silly and not so silly arguments with my fiancé and family, and worst of all – feeling divorced and disconnected from Jesus.  When I am not centered in Christ – my world spins quite frankly southward. Poor Ray was one of the few first-hand witnesses to this reality – how do you tell such a God-loving, Jesus-centered man that you probably aren’t where he thinks you are – that you’re struggling, gasping for air, clawing for any sort of grasp, hoping just to hear or feel or see a glimpse of God’s presence and the Spirit’s fruit in your life? I walked around a practical atheist – anxiously independent. I would mechanically spend a few minutes in the bible each morning, with the hope of connection, and lay in bed at night wondering if those few minutes had any impact on my day. I felt like a massive failure – a hypocrite – a Pharisee. It didn’t matter the prayer I prayed on my way to work, I left Jesus in the car. Every frustration, every obstacle – I neither invited His help nor acknowledged His sovereign presence – I acted as though He didn’t exist.  You know it’s bad for others when you don’t even like yourself, and I really didn’t like me – I frustrated the hell out of myself.

 

I began to pray feebly, and without very much faith, for God to show up. I prayed more honestly. I see no fruit in my life – that’s not good, I confessed, I say I believe you but act otherwise and I’m tired. I see people experiencing and walking with you – it’s evident that they’ve encountered you, they’ve been changed. I feel dead and rotten inside, and I can’t clean it up. I need you.”  I need you has become the one consistent confession and invitation lately as I’ve seen God open my eyes to see His faithful presence, His gracious provision, His wise sovereignty, His  complete goodness. You see, He is always present, always gracious, always faithful, always wise, always sovereign, always good, always perfect, always Holy, always loving, and always true because He alone is presence, grace, faithfulness, wisdom, sovereignty, goodness, perfection, holiness, love and truth personified.

Let me open it up practically for you, because this has not been an easy or fast journey, and I have not arrived, but I know He who called me is faithful (1^st Thessalonians 5:16-24). I’m thankful that He is so patient with me, a slow and stubborn learner.

The incorrect bills from the dentist – I burst into tears with the first bill. After the complications and the post op appointments, the missed work, and weeks of pain, I angrily vented to Ray over the phone through tears. In the back of my mind, I heard a soft voice whisper that ever familiar reminder I am in control, I will provide for you, but I chose anger, anxiety, and bitterness instead of trust. Sure enough, the bills were in error and easily taken care of. So I thought. 

The other night I ordered my favorite pizza from Mellow Mushroom (with gfree crust!) with money I did not have to indulge my unhealthy craving. This meant that I would have to pick up the pizza before going home. I left work, realizing with a little anxiety that parking may be an issue picking up the pizza, and felt a few rain drops – then watched with growing anxiety as rain drop after rain drop hit the windshield of the bus. I had made a rather impulsive purchase (the kind when you spend “your money” without really consulting Jesus because you behave like an entitled owner instead of a wise steward - a later post), and the package had arrived in the mail earlier while I was at work. While I would normally enjoy the rain, I knew that I couldn’t return the purchase if it was ruined and wet. Jesus, would you hold off the rain please? I was wrong to have such a spirit of entitlement, to forget that “my money” is really yours.  I drove to pick up my pizza, found easy parking, and never even had to wait. I ran back to my car, the rain kept picking up, and I was still full of quiet tension (nothing more than suppressed anxiety).  I sprinted home just to find that it had not rained there yet and the UPS man had wrapped the box in a plastic bag. I had to laugh – after all of the major things the Lord has taken care of in my life, especially the past few months, I had still freaked out about silly things like parking, rain, and replaceable contents in cardboard boxes.  I then opened my mail to find another outrageously incorrect and expensive dentist bill remaining from my wisdom teeth extraction. Seriously?! While I wasn’t as mad as before, I was still nervous that it wasn’t a mistake and I might have to pay for it. He had just answered my prayers, though small and insignificant ones for a parking place, no rain, and a dry shoe box, yet I missed the joy of it because I had my eyes fixed on a future problem I had no control over.  I had to stop myself – really, Alex? My immediate and natural response is to go to worry – but Jesus had continuously proven Himself faithful over and over again in the big and small aspects of my life. 

 

The very moment I start to pat myself on the back for “growing” and “trusting” is the very moment He graciously reminds me it’s all Him. I don't mean that in a malicious way, He simply reminds me to check the focus of my vision. Things like the dentist bill were another way to show Himself faithful and sovereign, and another opportunity for me to trust that He is first and always a loving Father (Linda Dillow, Calm My Anxious Heart).

I am exhausted, but I am excited. I don’t welcome seasons of one-thing-after-another pounding, but I doubt that I’ve ever been more aware of God’s consistent provision and grace in any other season as I have been in this one. I know that I’m not the only one who has been in rough seasons like this one, it’s honestly becoming more real life than a fleeting season, but I wanted to be honest and share the hope of Jesus amidst the craziness of everyday life, significant life change, and physical weakness/recovery. Wherever you find yourself, it is not haphazard, it is not unplanned or unwisely initiated – you are never far from the presence and grace of God.  Some may point out that tough seasons are consequences of sin and dumb decisions, and that may be true, but God is still sovereign and near to the brokenhearted. He encourages us to draw near to Him, promising that He will draw near to us (James 4:8).  At His core, He is a loving and good Father – something most of us cringe and recoil at hearing because we have a frame of reference for fallen, absent and/or even abusive human fathers –it is nonetheless true. There is purpose and intent in whatever season you are in, friend, and God wastes nothing. God redeems all things and never wastes anything.  Invite Him into your season, your day, your moments, trusting with joyful expectation that He is for your good (even if it looks differently from what you think).

 

all my love,

a

A long overdue update

I decided to venture out today and try a different coffee shop to visit. I’m currently tucked in at a corner table in The Well and highly recommend you put it on your bucket list of Nashville. It’s a non-profit coffee shop that is aimed at raising funds and awareness for the oppressed. I can’t comment on the coffee yet, but the gluten-free apple muffin and their hot tea is very tasty J

December was busy and I was severely homesick. Ray’s family came and we celebrated Christmas a couple days before the actual holiday with them. I was so taken aback by their generosity. Rachel made gluten free alternatives so I could eat the same deliciousness they did and his parents were incredibly generous towards me. I then proceeded to work Christmas Eve, Christmas and the day following – and I definitely had a spontaneous purchase in the form of a plane ticket home during my lunch break that 3^rd shift. Hannah picked me up from the airport and took me home and we surprised my parents!! I got to spend a couple wonderful days with them just relaxing at home before heading back to Nashville. I needed the refresher so badly.

January was an interesting month for me. I’ve been struggling with pride, complacency and apathy for a few weeks and it culminated on an afternoon run early in January. I had taken a good amount of time off from running and decided I needed to get my butt up off the couch and get moving. My first run back was rough, so I determined that my second run that week would be a little longer. I typically run in my neighborhood on afternoons that I’m off – it’s my time to enjoy the sunshine and get some fresh air – it’s also the safest time of the day to run. On this particular day it was warm – above 60 and cloudy, the air was sticky and it felt like home. I never anticipated that on this run, on this day, my safe and independent bubble would come crashing down as a man jumped out of his car, chased me and grabbed me. There’s a moment where clarity and chaos exist, and I’ve been there. In a split second I realized that everything I was afraid of was about to happen, and yet I wasn’t sure how it was going to happen. It’s not a good moment. By God’s grace and His protection, I am unharmed physically. The police and detectives have been the greatest blessing in all of this. By God’s grace, the man responsible was found and made a full confession, and hopefully there will be just consequences. But how does this help my struggle with pride?

I am a very independent person; at least I think I am. I hate being out of control, I hate feeling vulnerable and helpless. I hate being dependent. It doesn’t sit well with me. I get fidgety and restless – like “what do I do?” and I’m just not good at it. In that moment I felt completely vulnerable and helpless. I’m not a big person… if someone wants to pick me up and take me somewhere it’s not that hard. I can make it hard, but it’s doable, ya know? But I like to think that I’m bigger and tougher than I am, that I’m untouchable… but I’m not. Nothing I did or didn’t do on that run could’ve prevented another outcome - I was completely out of control. It’s a terrifying realization to realize that only God Himself protected me and I hadn’t even acknowledged His presence! It was humbling – the reality of His faithfulness and His presence even though I had complacently blown Him off. Even more gracious – the timing coordinated with family and friends having already planned to come visit starting that night. I tend to suppress emotions and process verbally. Intellectually, I felt completely crazy and irrational – I was “fine” and “nothing happened.” In reality, I have not been fine and something did happen. So in an effort to not suppress my emotions, I’ve been trying to voice them – and they aren’t pretty – but maybe they’re coming out. Car doors would shut behind me and I would jump. A woman walked into work behind me and something in her pocket jingled the same way his had and I jumped. Every car that was the same size and color made my heart drop. The nights that followed were full of anxiety and panic and anger. My first night by myself was terrible, and the second I flat out just cried before falling asleep. The third I realized that I couldn’t be anxious and thankful at the same time… and so I began to thank the Lord for what He had done instead of choosing to worry over what could have happened.

 

I’ve been reading through Daniel and there’s been a theme in the first 5 chapters of God’s sovereignty. You frequently read phrases like, “so that you’ll know that the Most High God rules in the kingdom of men and gives it to whomever He chooses.”  God’s intent in dealing with the Kings of Babylon is to bring them a place where they humbly realize that He is ultimately Lord. This culminates for me in Chapter 5 when He’s talking through Daniel to Belshazzar. Belshazzar failed to learn from the mistakes of his grandfather Nebuchadnezzar and committed a grossly blasphemous act (even according to his pagan culture). God responds and in verse 23 He reminds the king: “…And you have praised the gods of silver and gold, bronze and iron, wood and stone, which do not see or hear or know; and the God who holds your breath in His hand and owns all your ways you have not glorified.” I read that verse a while ago, but keep coming back to it. How often do I pour my worship out on myself, on other people, and on other things and activities instead of the living God? And how frequently do I operate under this belief that I’m in charge of my life? That I have control? Forgetting the whole time that God holds my breath and owns all of my ways? That He alone deserves my worship, that no one can sustain the weight of my worship but Him?

Remember when I said that it was terrifying to realize that God alone is in control? I meant it. I was terrified because I didn’t trust His heart towards me. Yes, He had protected me, but I waited for another boom to drop. I didn’t believe that He was for me, that He loved me, and that He always works for my best… I was operating under this assumption that God loves as I “love.” I knew the grossness of my heart, and how could anyone love me when I was so messed up? The beautifully comforting thing is that God alone is in control. He is holy, and so every thought, plan, intention towards me that comes from Him is holy – it is perfect. He loves me with a perfect love, and the grace and goodness of the Gospel is that He sees me covered in the righteousness of Jesus. Whatever happens to me, whether it’s a consequence of my sins or choosing, or of someone else’s, He is able to redeem and make beautiful. I’m still learning this… it is very much the lesson of my life – learning how to trust God – that He is who He says He is, and that I am who He says I am. In my learning, I am able to say that He is good and patient with me.

I went for my first run last week with Adrien. I still felt jumpy when car doors would shut or cars would drive past me. I’m still angry that I haven’t been able to run in a spirit of safety. However, I am thankful; thankful for friends to run with, and thankful for the faithfulness of Jesus.

Lots of love,

a

Tales from a Traveling Woman

What a whirlwind my life has been for the past month!

My friends Pete and Sarah got hitched!!! We drove, yes – drove to Rehoboth Beach, Delaware for the super sweet and fun affair! The bride was stunning, as always, and Pete really delivered one of the best expressions when he saw her walk down the aisle (that’s my favorite moment of a wedding). Here are some pictures of the fun:

 

 

After Delaware, I worked for a weekend. All of my days are mixed up because I’m so used to working Saturdays! Now that I’ve switched over to working more weekdays, my poor mind thinks every time I clock in it’s a Friday or Saturday. We are busting at the seams lately! I can’t complain though – my patients have been incredibly sweet and I do have the best coworkers.

Next up was Thanksgiving! Ray and I headed to Carrollton where he met nearly my ENTIRE family! Not overwhelming for him at all J He fit right in and it was such a blessing to get some sweet family time. I have missed, missed, missed my family! Katie Beth still reigns in our annual pull-up competition, poor Carlton will beat her one year (he hopes). There’s a reason why Thanksgiving is my favorite time of the year – all of the people that I adore, sharing delicious comfort food, laughing and experiencing good quality time with each other.

Aunt Christa, Ray and I on the beloved porch swing

 My beautiful, beloved cousin Blake

 He is such a stud!

 The Corley crew

 He makes me laugh like no other

 We are quite the group!

After Thanksgiving, with some work in the middle, we headed off again to Ohio to spend the weekend with Ray’s family. Rachel made us some awesome packed lunches and we made some great timing. Driving over the hill and seeing the Cincinnati skyline at night was pretty awesome. Ray’s mom made me a stocking with my name on it! I felt so loved being included in one of their family traditions. Ray’s been stuffing it throughout December and it’s so tempting to peak into it! We ran our four miles Saturday morning – all four of us ran the whole time J We hit up Jungle Jim’s and the outlet malls with Ray’s dad – I stocked up on fun chocolate bars and my favorite French mustard all the way from Meaux. I got to experience Lebanon’s Christmas parade – so many cute miniature horses were there. I tried (unsuccessfully) to convince Ray to get one of them instead of puppy. We closed up the night with two movies and popcorn (Ray’s dad makes it and it is soo tasty!) – I maybe fell asleep halfway through both movies…

 

 Hanging out at the parade

 

This past Saturday was our Christmas party. I am so blessed by the friends God has given me here in this city. It was so great to see everyone at one time, and we doubled in number this year! Adrien did an incredible job hosting us – really, she outdid herself! We stuffed ourselves with some awesome food, had a fun gift exchange, and closed out the night with a Christmas movie. There’s something about gathering around a table with your friends, knowing the changes that have taken place in everyone’s lives the past year that just reminds you of God’s faithfulness. He is faithful.

Enjoying our Christmas feast.

 Nashville Family Photo

 

There you have it folks. I'm looking forward to a few weekends spent in the state of Tennessee. My suitcase is unpacked and I am settling into my cute home once more. In other news: I'm going gluten free for a few weeks to see if it helps take away my tummy troubles. I covet prayers for healing as the past few weeks have not been the most fun! I bought my first Christmas tree and made a stocking for Ray by hand. It looks similiar to a 1st grader's handywork, but I'll take it. I finished The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy Keller and highly recommend it for single and married folks alike. I also felt like a true Nashville resident today when I happened upon ABC filming "Nashville" outside of Fido this morning. It'll be fun to see that scene when the episode airs (if it makes the final cut)!

 

My reminder for the day, thoughts from my coffee date with Kinsey - so often we expect to feel peace when we walk into new situations or circumstances, and yet faith is a calling to step outside of our comfort zone. I so often forget that peace is not a feeling, but a person. Jesus is my peace. He has destroyed the barrier between myself and Holy God, He stands in the gap for me, loves me, has my best interest at heart. He is my peace whether I feel at peace or not, and unlike feelings - Jesus remains with me.

 

Lots of love,

                     -a

 

"Follow Me..."

Life lessons:

I am so thankful for a patient and merciful God who remains dedicated to molding me into a woman after His heart. A huge piece of that is Him continually teaching me to trust and depend on Him. I am such an independent person, at least on the outside, and I love to feel like I have control of things (even though I know logically I have no control)… which makes trusting anyone fully really difficult for me. This is something I’ve known about me for ages, but I didn’t realize how deeply my pride and selfishness ran until I started dating.

Lesson 1: Expectations

I’ve realized that most of the time my disappointment stems from unmet expectations that I (1) don’t communicate, and (2) just want Ray to magically know. I couldn’t understand why I would find myself mildly irritated with him when he’d done nothing wrong, until I realized that I was placing this massive weight of expectations on him. I got so distracted by what I thought I wanted that I missed the sweet, loving things that he was doing and planning.  This realization came like a slap in my face, convicting and humbling, but it also reminded me of the importance of being aware of expectations, communicating them, and letting them go. You miss out on so much when you cling to ideas, perfection, expectations, etc. It’s a blessing to let them go and let Ray romance me in his own way, it’s just better that way.  My focus shifts from all that I believe I’m entitled to, deserve, or lack to all that I am graciously blessed with. When I recognize my expectations for what they are, and deal with them appropriately, then I can better love Ray for who he is.  And can I just say, the real Ray is so much better than the idea of him, or the expected him?

I think this is true in any relationship. Conflict tends to stem from unmet expectations and poor communication, and I think we miss out on a lot of joy when we hold people to unrealistic expectations. This is true for me in my own life – I miss out on so much joy when I hold myself to unrealistic expectations that come from perfectionism.  I’m so tired of missing out on joy.

Lesson 2: Trusting the Lord

I feel like the Holy Spirit will be teaching me this lesson until Jesus calls me home. Again, dating is just exposing my weakness and disobedience when it comes to trusting the Lord in different and deeper ways. The past two weeks have been rough for both of us. We’d both done stupid stuff before and addressed it, but we’d never really had conflict until recently. At first, it was over pretty insignificant things that just kind of snowballed into bigger underlying issues. We smoothed things out on Friday, just to have another round start Saturday. Only the second time around we weren’t in conflict with each other, life just kind of hit home.  Sparing details, I’ve never cried in front of Ray until Sunday. I hate letting other people see me cry, it’s not attractive, and it’s awkward… I mean, what do you say to the sobbing, emotional, and possibly borderline irrational woman sitting next to you??

I left Clarksville Sunday night with things unresolved, hating every bit of it, but choosing to trust the man I had hugged goodbye. By the end of our conversation Monday night, I honestly thought we might not be able to work through this. Two very candid emails later (not ideal, but neither is living an hour apart with opposite work schedules), and things were a bit more clear (not easy, but clear).  He wasn’t asking me to give up my heart for missions, women’s ministry, or adoption, nor was he asking me to abandon my life here in Nashville (which is what I heard). He was introducing me to his heart for discipleship in such a raw and honest way, so that I wouldn’t feel deceived about his priorities later on. He was also trying to explain how he had led us poorly, and how he needed to model for me the kind of discipleship he is so burdened for.  All Ray was asking of me was if I was willing to follow him as He followed Jesus, wherever that might take us. That’s a lot of trust.

By this point, it’s early Tuesday morning and I’m walking to work, confessing my fear and trust issues to the Lord. There were two things He very quickly impressed upon my heart:

1.  Alex, you must ultimately trust Me. Trusting Ray or anyone else in your life involves risk, but it’s frightening to you because you forget that I am your ultimate trust. You’re filled with fears and questions: “What if Ray makes a call I don’t agree with?” “What do I do with my heart?” “How will I ever be able to submit to a husband?!” But you’re envisioning the future without Me. I have your best interest at heart. You must trust My sovereignty and My love for you when you trust another one of My kids. They will fail you, disappoint you, and make mistakes… but I won’t. One day, you’ll see this more – that submitting to your husband is not only trusting him, but ultimately trusting Me by walking in obedience to My word.
2. Alex, you need Me. This is why prayer is so vitally important and why it must be a priority in your life. You demonstrate your trust and your dependence on me by the way that you come to Me in prayer. I am the Good Shepherd, I know exactly what you need and I lead you into it. This is also why praying for Ray is so important. Why praying for your husband will be so important one day. They need My wisdom, to know the sound of My voice from the voices of so many others, they need the courage to follow My heart, and there is no better way to fight for them than to bring them before Me, trusting Me instead of nagging them.

 When you realize that you’d rather work through something difficult with someone, rather than cutting both loose for the sake of sparing yourself the trouble or hurt, it’s a really defining moment. I would rather work through these things with Ray now, than later with someone else. 

 I know that this is a really long post, and it hits a lot of random places. I share it though, because I think it’s so important to share the good and the ugly. The Lord wastes nothing; it’s one of the things I love most about Him. He creates beauty in even the filthiest of garbage. These verses that I’m about to share hit ever so close yesterday morning:

“And there is no creature hidden from His sight, but all things are naked and open to the eyes of Him to whom we must give account. Seeing then, that we have a great High Priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” – Hebrews 4:13-16 NKJV

Before He knit me together, He knew me – in all of my junk – yet He created me anyways. He rescued me by the blood of His Son. I stand completely exposed before Him, and He still invites me into the throne room of grace. Whatever your weakness, whatever your strength – it might not be jacked up expectations or trust issues – you have a God who can sympathize with you, who longs to meet you where you are but loves you way too much to leave you there.

love,
       a