This past week has
proven more than any other time that I am in fact an introvert. A friend has
been crashing my house and I’ve worked overtime this week. I feel exhausted.
The thought of interacting with people makes me feel overwhelmed and anxious at
the moment. Ironically, I find myself at The Well, a coffee shop teeming with
people. Even now I feel mildly overstimulated.
Having someone live
with me for the past few days has taught me a few things:
1. I am introverted. I need my slow mornings
alone with no one else up or present. I need uninterrupted time with Jesus privately.
I need time to myself in the mornings or else I feel off center after a while,
irritable and stressed.
2. I am independent. Someone else cooking and
cleaning has become foreign to me. Things are done differently. Maybe I have a
mild case of OCD, but I’ve learned/am learning to appreciate the help and
company.
3. My house, resources and I are all avenues
for ministry. Jesus can use a couch, a cup of tea, and reruns of favorite TV
shows maybe just as well to replenish and nourish a soul as a church service or
bible study…at least, I think He can. I hope He can. I hope more than ever that
she has found a place of encouragement here, that she has been ministered to
and blessed during her stay…Not because of me, but maybe Jesus moving in me. I
hope He is. I hope it’s His house, His couch, His resources and Himself doing
the work.
4. I am selfish and prone to gossip. Being an
introvert is fine, but being selfish is not. Venting can be healthy to unleash,
but gossip is never ever beneficial or right. As a human and as a woman, I am
prone to both. I am used to having my own space, and no one to consider outside
of myself in that space. My mornings and life have routines that don’t include
other things or people. So having someone new in that space coexisting with
their own routines colliding with yours is a rude awakening. My couch where I
have my quiet times in the morning, where I watch TV at night, is now someone
else’s bed. My bathroom, which I normally have to myself, is now being shared
when I’m typically most in need of space to myself. All at once, I’m suddenly irritated
that someone is in my shower, or that someone else is awake, or that I tiptoe
around my apartment trying not to wake another soul.
Another soul.
How
selfish of me to be so stingy with my space – to be so stuck in routine that I
miss the reality that this other person is not just a body but a soul. Not just another form of matter
taking up space, but a child of God – a reflection of Him, a treasure who has
done nothing wrong at all, who does not deserve irritation or frustration at
all. They deserve nothing but love, compassion, and grace. It would be revolutionary if I could see as Jesus sees.
In Mark 6 you see
Jesus send out the 12 disciples 2 by 2 to do ministry. When they get back in
v30 and tell Him all about what happened, Jesus calls them to come away to a
deserted place and “rest a while” (v31). BUT
starts v32, as a “multitude” follows them and arrive before them. Can you imagine the disciples first
thoughts as they pull the boat up to shore and see thousands of people
clamoring for attention, hungry for healing? I can imagine mine would be far from pretty or
loving or kind. Yet Jesus’ response?
“And Jesus, when he came out, saw a great multitude and was moved with compassion for them,
because they were like sheep not having a shepherd. So He began to teach them
many things.”
-Mark
6:34 NKJ
The disciples don’t
utter a recorded word until later in the day. They wanted Jesus to send the
people away to get food with their own resources. When challenged to meet their
(the multitude’s) need, the disciples cried out in disbelief, thinking
monetarily (or “practically”). Jesus points them to the resources they already
have and tells them to bring them to Him.
There’s a quote my
friend Anne shared with me once, I have it tacked to my bulletin board at home.
It references the lesson of the loaves:
“Human resources, no
matter how limited, when willingly given and divinely inspired are more than
enough to accomplish divine goals.” – S.Briscoe
I wonder what the
difference was between Jesus’ and the disciples’ vision in this circumstance? I
think Jesus was equally fatigued – later you see Him withdrawing by Himself to
pray. I think the disciples see their fatigue, the overwhelming crowd and their
limited resources. I think Jesus saw with compassion. He saw past His fatigue
and saw individuals without a Savior. He saw that limited resources were
unleashed in the limitless power of God.
You know the end of
the story – Jesus feeds over 5,000 people and has only 5 loaves and 2 fish to
start with. He gathers 12 basketfuls of leftovers, conveniently the same number
of disciples. Later, in v52, Mark lets us know that the disciples were a bit
daft: ”For they had not understood about the loaves, because their heart
was hardened.”
How many times have I
heard this story and my heart been hardened? I pray it’s soft now…soft enough
for the lesson of the loaves to sink deep into my heart and take root. That I
would learn to see as Jesus sees:
That in my fatigue and
exhaustion and burnout He is my Sustainer, my Rest, my Supply and Shield
That in my limited self He is
limitless
That He provides what I need
before I’m aware of my need, and that when I place it back into His hands it
meets and exceeds the needs of the multitude.
That compassion drives the
direction of my actions. Jesus’ response to the multitude flowed out of His
compassion for them. I can’t begin to minister to others until I have
compassion for myself and for others.
Compassion for myself
sounds selfish, but it’s true, I think. If I can’t accept the ugliest parts of
me with compassion then I’ll never see myself as Jesus sees me. I’ll never be
driven to the Shepherd until I see my lack of and need for Him…and I’ll never
come to Him (for fear of punishment) if I don’t believe He sees me with
compassion. Furthermore, I’ll never walk in genuine compassion until I’ve
experienced His personally and practice it in my life towards myself and
others. This is not justifying sin, but
embracing God’s grace for me in Jesus.
When I begin to see
others with compassion, it’s a sign that I’ve experienced life with the
Shepherd and want that for others. I no longer see them with the harshness I
once viewed myself with because I am not far removed from where they are. I was a sheep without a shepherd, but now I
am home in His love. My resources are in His hands and all things are possible.
I know longer need to worry on how
He’ll provide rest or meet my needs, I can trust that He will and walk with Him
– an instrument of His to love, to teach, and to feed the multitude.
God created me as an introvert. He knows that I like quiet mornings and that I need time alone to
replenish. However, in my selfishness I have missed opportunities to have
compassion on others. I’ve seen my fatigue, my exhaustion and irritability, and
my lack outside of His hands. If I could learn to place all of me, even
the most exhausted, grossest, ugliest self into His compassionate hands, maybe
multitudes would encounter the Good Shepherd. Maybe they would see His power
and faithfulness in my incredible weakness.
love,
a
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