My Saturday mornings – truthfully all of my mornings – look much
differently now that I’m a mom. Gone are the days where sleeping in was an
option, going for a run in the stillness of the morning was possible, or
sitting at our farmhouse table with my Bible and journal for an unlimited
amount of time. Sleeping in is now
making it to 6 or 7am. Going for a run now involves breastfeeding a baby, getting
a stroller, dog, baby and myself out the door before it gets unbearably hot,
and “running” quickly turns into walking because I inevitably wet my pants when
I try to run. **Do your Kegels ladies, do your kegels!** I still get the gift
of sitting down to write over coffee every now and then, like this morning. It
isn’t as quiet, but it is just as beautiful.
This morning Sammy is playing on his mat. He’s starting to
learn that his hand is connected to his body – and that he can hit things with
it. He is no longer punching himself in the face and looking surprised. He
still looks surprised when he connects his fist to the toys hanging over him,
but he loves the sounds they make and keeps swinging. Mittens cover his little
hands (because he keeps scratching his face) making him look like a little
boxer. He’s worn himself out and is fighting falling asleep, which is adorable
until he starts to cry. He’s rocking a new onesie from his Aunt Kaelin. On the
front in bold font reads “Fearfully and Wonderfully Made.” Yes you are. I think to myself as I pick him up, settle him down
into his sleeper and rock him with my foot as I sit back down to my computer.
I think about his sweet self and how he’s becoming more
expressive of his personality. I am so excited to learn who he is and how he
processes and connects with the world around him. I pray about the kind of man
he will one day be, and I hope that he will make choices in divine wisdom and
not out of his own logic all the days of his life. In my heart of hearts, I
want him to keep the innocence and faith of a child for as long as possible – I
want him to look at the world much like he does now, with a sense of wonder and
curiosity. I don’t want him to remain in a place of immaturity – I want him to
grow – but in a world where so many kids have to become adults much sooner than
they ever should, I want so badly for my son to have a joyful childhood. A deep part of my mother’s heart wants for him
to have ridiculously awesome, Christ-centered, honest and loving friendships in
which he can be himself without fear.
This week has reminded me of how important friendship is –
how much we value friendship and meaningful connection as human beings. It isn’t
vital to survival, but I do believe that we were wired for relationship. While
there is a void in the core of who we are that can only be completely satisfied
by God Himself, I think there’s a deep longing in the human soul to be seen, genuinely
seen, and to be loved in that exposure by others. How we interact within
friendship reveals so much about who we are, what we fear, and where our hope
lies. How we handle hurts and conflict within those friendships says that much
more.
I think about a dear friend of mine who had a challenging
week in the world of friendship. She is one of the most passionate, warm,
loving, and animated women I know, and yet this week she believed the lie that
there was something wrong with the friendship she had to offer others. I
witnessed a woman who has so much to offer believe that she had nothing
valuable to give – and while I wanted to be quick to encourage her with truth,
I had to check in with myself for a moment. I, too, have felt and believed the
exact same lies.
I think about the wedding shower that is being hosted at my
house this afternoon – how I have a thousand things left to do before guests
begin to arrive – and how I had to remind my very stressed out self this
morning that this shower is about a dear friend and her upcoming marriage. It’s
not about how clean my house is, how cute the decorations are, how tasty the
food is or how Pinteresty it looks. It’s not about keeping Moe’s hair off the
newly cleaned furniture, or if the nursery looks pristine, or even if my
cluttered desk in the kitchen is organized…it’s not about what my friends think
of me when they are guests in my home. It’s about celebrating an upcoming
marriage – the picture God gives the world to say, “This is what the Gospel is like…This
is what My love for you is like..” I know that. I’ve known it all along, and
yet this fear of man creeps in so very slyly.
This belief that I have to live up to a certain set of
expectations in order to be of any value, in order to be worth the pursuit or
maintenance of a friendship, is one of the most detrimental weapons against a
healthy relationship. When it is self-imposed, like mine has been this weekend,
then it is a lie that must be quickly thwarted before the gracious throne of
the Father in truth. It’s a heart issue, something that must be uprooted while
truth is replanted in the soil of our souls – it cannot come from another’s
constant validation but from believing God’s Word concerning our identity.
However, when this mindset is imposed upon you by another – when who you are is
never good enough – it’s another beast entirely.
It has taken me a very long time to begin to learn what
really matters in a friendship – those things that separate a genuine friend
from an unsafe one. I will forever be learning how to be humble and teachable
within the context of friendships –how to handle conflict Biblically, how to
fight courageously for unity and reconciliation, for peace and a safe place in
which vulnerability can exist. I will forever be learning to let some
friendships go as well – to step back, to grieve, and to choose healthy
boundaries.
I may constantly battle the lies that come with the struggle
of perfectionism and anxiety, especially in the context of friendship. However,
I am so thankful for the core women God has placed in my life as intimate friends
– those women that can call me out gently and call me up candidly. I’m thankful
for the new friendships we are making as a family in this season of parenthood –
for the mothers and older women whose wisdom has brought a sense of normalcy,
hope and humor in these sleep-deprived, sometimes discouraging days. Most of
all, I’m thankful for the friendship of Jesus – for the constant, open
invitation to come before him with all that I’m carrying and take a break at
His feet. Of all the friends that Samuel makes in his life, I hope he cherishes
that perfect Friend above all.
I’ve never done a “series” of posts on a topic before, but I’ve
been enjoying writing “Letters to Little” in my personal life and sharing a few
here on the blog. The next few posts will be “letters” centered around
friendship, so I hope you enjoy them!
all the love and crisp fall air from music city,
a |
| Sammy loves his friend Fox |
 |
| Game Day with his Aunt Lauren |
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