promises

Oh Mondays...

It's that time of the year again - the dreaded time of having to decide where and with whom you will live with the following year. do you stick with the people you've lived with for the past year, or do you brave living with new people you don't know well... and if you do change it up, there's that awkard-can't-help-but-hurt-a-bit conversation you have to have with your current roommate(s). I'm there.

The past two weeks have been craziness- I've met my new roommate, continue to take care of a handicapped roommate, all while trying to keep my head above water with school work. I've cried a lot - I even had an anxiety attack Sunday morning in church - something that hasn't happened in about a year.

I am a sensitive creature - this is my discovery. I'm sensitive to stress, but I can't say no - I can't walk out. The past few weeks have been so high stress in our apartment just because we all have stressful schedules, we're adapting to a new living situation, we're tired or we're in pain (Susan), we're frustrated and behind - it's not just my stress that I deal with - but the stress of everyone around me. Someone has a problem with another one and tells me instead of them, etc. And I can't handle it. Part of me wishes I was like Sandy - that I could just walk out and get away - but I can't. If I did - who would help? who would step up? She says I "race" to do it, but she just leaves. There's nothing wrong with it - it's just that we're different.

I'm afraid - because I have no idea what to do or where to live or who to live with next year. Do I sign that lease off campus for a whole year for an apartment of strangers? Do I stay conveniently on campus and risk getting paired with crazy people? Everyone has plans, and then there's me.

I was used to it in highschool - always being "there" but never being central, essential.

I've been talking to the Lord a lot - mostly because I have no one else to talk to. Anyways - He told me to "Be still and know that I am God" - so I tried. It was nice - He took me to Psalm 46, all of which is incredible, and then to Psalm 46:5
"God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at the break of day"

I know that the Lord is within me because His word tells me so - I know that He has good plans for me, to prosper and not to harm me - I know that He will never leave me nor forsake me. I know that He is sovereign, not surprised by anything. I know that His eyes - they're gentle and full of love - I know that He is my refuge and my strength, my ever-present help in trouble (Ps 46:1). I know that things fall apart when I try to be in control, try to handle life in my own strength and in my own thought process.

I know that the Lord is God (Yahweh). It is He who made me, and I am His - I am one of His people, the sheep of His pasture - Ps 100:3.

I know that my Jesus is good at heart. He's brought me this far - I know that He'll bring me further - though I can't see it yet.

May it be so. I wish I had a bigger faith.