My goodness! You are one month old! This time a month ago I
was in transition with you – it was the longest and hardest part of labor –
praise Jesus you came out when you did!
Right now you are sleeping in your monkey sleeper – which you
spend a lot of time in because I can take it from room to room while I’m doing
chores. You also make the greatest facial expressions, love eating, swinging on
the porch swing and being outside in general. You’ve been more alert lately,
letting Daddy and I see your big blue eyes. We love playing with you, but you
would rather eat and sleep. Daddy is on a long run, Moe went back to sleep, and I am
sitting at our table, coveted coffee mug in hand, really thankful for our
little family and this quiet moment.
One thing I struggle with is being still and quiet before the
Lord. In truth, I talk way too much and am a poor listener. I’m always fearful
of being alone and quiet with Jesus. What if He doesn’t show up? What if He
tells me things I don’t want to, or am not ready to hear? What if I’m exposed?
These are irrational fears rooted in unbelief. These are irrational fears
rooted in unbelief. The truth is that God is always present. He already knows
and sees all of me, and His words bring life. I know this, but I still struggle
with pride and doubting God’s character…and I avoid Him. I avoid quiet moments
and connecting with Him.
In John 15 & 16, Jesus tells His disciples quite a bit
of hard stuff…and He tells them why:
(16:1) “I have said these things to you to keep you from
falling away.”
(16:4) “But I have said these things to you, that when their
hour comes you may remember that I told them to you.”
(16:33) “I have said these things to you so that in me you may
have peace…”
Jesus also tells his disciples in John 16:12, “I still have
many things to say to you, but you cannot bear them now.”
He only tells them what they can bear to hear in that
moment. While He said some difficult things that they didn’t fully understand,
His heart was never to overwhelm them but to prepare, equip and encourage them.
Jesus really put His finger on my fearful and prideful heart
as I read these last few chapters in John. Jesus calls me to “abide” – to
remain with and in Him, to spend time with Him, to know Him, to ask of Him, to
be one with Him and the Father. When I avoid Him, when I refuse to still myself
before Him and listen, I do the opposite. I am more anxious, more stressed, and
more foolish. I return to things that I know; things that are natural, easy and
familiar. I make decisions out of fear and my own human wisdom, which isn’t
wisdom at all. Like Peter did in John 21, I go back to “fishing” when Jesus has
called me to follow Him (John 21:3; 19).
The reality is that I cannot follow Jesus unless I know Him –
and I cannot get to know Him unless I engage and spend time with Him. God’s
heart is not to overwhelm me with things I cannot bear to hear. He knows my
limits better than I do, so when He does bring a challenging or convicting word
to me, I have to trust His character, timing and purpose. When He comes with
correction or conviction, I need to ask for the humility to receive it, the grace
to repent and the faith to follow. His heart is for me – like it is for you –
and my prayer is that you would know God’s voice and follow Him all the days of
your life…and that you would see that modeled by your Daddy and me.
We love you so much buddy.
-mom
PS: you are officially a chunky monkey :)
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