Checking In

I’m not going to lie, sometimes I’m an avoider. This morning, I avoided dusting my living room – but sometimes I avoid, or run from, more important things, like spending time with Jesus. It’s going to sound silly, but when I feel really insecure, spending time with the Lord is the last thing I want to do. I struggle to see myself as He sees me – I struggle to remember His character and His heart towards me because I don’t feel as though any of it could be so possibly true and good. Because I don’t feel worthy of love, I must not be is the faulty logic – the lie – that I believe.  I’m finding this pattern more and more evident now that I’m in a dating relationship. Someone’s pursuing me – he sees something worth pursuing – and I’m learning how to be pursued. At the root of it, I’m really learning how much the Lord pursues me.

The Lord is also teaching me how to ultimately trust Him and to delight. “It’s okay to hope, Alex” has become a frequent reminder. If I’m being honest, I’m hesitant to let myself really hope for things, or get really excited about them, or delight in them, because a small part of me is afraid of disappointment or abandonment. The key is where I place my hope. My hope must be grounded in the Lord – He’s safe to delight in with pure abandonment because He won’t change, won’t leave, won’t disappoint. I can trust Him because He is for my good, and for His own glory – the two are inseparable.  My heart just doesn’t know how to handle all of that goodness at once, but I’m grasping pieces of it at a time.

It’s been so encouraging to watch the Lord convict and affirm things in my life over the past couple of months. So often when I pray for faith, I really want sight… I want to know what’s going to happen or where I’m going. I find myself becoming a ball of worry, clinging so tightly to my own will and concerns that tension reigns in my body until I come before Him and open up. These are my hopes. These are my fears. These are things I’m uncertain about. These are my dreams. In response, He’s been so faithful to affirm and/or convict me through His Word and the Body. He’s used conversations with other believers, most of whom are completely unaware of where my heart is to completely answer questions I’ve poured forth in prayer.  He knows exactly how I’m wired because He created me, and He’s been patiently and faithfully teaching me to walk by faith and not by sight.

So we’re walking… very slowly… two steps forward, a few more back…but we’ll get there in His timing as He leads.

-a