seasons

This past week was noisy. I found myself exhausted, busy, and furiously moving about in a fog. Even my days off were packed with getting things done on my to-do list. I came home to an empty apartment which, by the end of the week, was stifling. I enjoy spending time by myself, but when it’s on my own terms. It’s why I like coffee shops – I can be alone without being isolated. The apartment just feels different when Adrienne is home, even though there are nights that we barely speak to one another because we’re so tired or on opposite schedules.

This has been a hard week. Frustrating to the core. Full of confusion, doubt, and at times fear. I feel like I’ve buried myself under work to the point where I don’t quite remember who I am. I sat in church this morning and realized just how quickly and how extensively I had forgotten key elements of what I say I believe. The reality of Jesus coming back one day was like a cool splash of water on my face – the realization that I hadn’t thought about that truth in a while stung. I feel so disoriented – I spent the drive home today just asking Jesus to wake me up. All of this self-focus/self-absorption has me feeling completely confused and lost. Let’s just say I’ve eaten a LOT of cake this week…

I know that this is a season. As the summer is turning into fall, my heart is taking it all in. I’m in a place where I’m so excited for fall – for the leaves to change colors and for the cooler weather to set in over these mountains. At the same time, I love the green of summer. I love how the grey rock faces make the green trees pop out on my drive home every day. I find it ironic that my favorite – Autumn - is a season in which everything is dying. It’s a season of transition – of saying goodbye to summer and welcoming winter.  It’s in the transition that beauty is most strikingly evident. I’m learning to welcome each season in my own life as it comes…and trying to be content in each without rushing onto the next.

I find myself wanting a deeper, more intimate, more real relationship with Jesus. I’m frustrated with my lack of faith and perspective, and yet I’m comforted by His promise to complete the good work that He started in me.  I’m consistently coming up against His question, “Do you trust me?” and if I’m being honest, it’s a constant struggle to say, “Yes” and walk in that answer… but He’s faithful.

Thankful for grace.

All my love from Nashville,

a

PS: I’ve got a TN license plate now… more signs of adulthood. J