a sorry runaway

crooked shoe strings, a backpack stuffed full with a teddy bear and blanket. coat on. door shut. marching towards the end of the driveway.

determined.

the front door cracks and a young mother steps out onto the porch. she mentions hot chocolate.

halt.

for the six year old girl in that scenario - sure, she's a sorry runaway - a sucker for hot chocolate and life is right back to normal. she didn't even make it to the mailbox. for quite a different circumstance, this 22 year old wishes things could still be fixed with a mug of hot chocolate.

to be completely honest i don't think i've ever felt this ripped apart. it's like there's this massive tugging inside of my heart and in one moment i feel as though my heart could burst from the pressure of the pulling. instinct tells me to pull away for the sake of my sanity and survival - while another part, the crazy part, tells me to stay in the thick of it and love. they both seem unbearable.

i left home for a few days this past week thinking a break would be good - and maybe it was - but it didn't solve anything. going back home didn't help much either. now i'm completely out of town.

i've noticed that when my relationship is incredibly strained with my dad, i pull away from Jesus.. as though He has the same attitude as my father. for the record - it makes things worse. as i sat down to have my quiet time this morning with my peanut butter and banana toast, after a muggy morning jog, i started praying. i was surprised at how honest i was - and tears just began to slide down my cheeks.

i've gotten things completely mixed up. for the longest time i've lived my life believing (subconsciously but actively) that God has the same attitude towards me as my dad. i've spent years trying to figure out ways that i can please him, make him proud of me, doing almost anything but sacrificing my integrity to avoid disappointment and rejection. the past month has been the most strained period of my life thus far because i can't win. short of performing backflips and circus tricks, i have tried to win the approval and affection of my father and i can't. everything i want to hear from him and receive from him may never come from him - but it doesn't mean i'm without it. i've got a perfect Father who delights in me - who's love i can neither gain nor lose based on my performance or appearance. he's completely safe with my heart. and he calls me to obedience - to trust that his way is best for me, that he loves me perfectly.

while my heart is getting used to the reality of how the Lord sees me as his daughter, i find myself terrified at one thought. what if i stay, what if i love, what if i bunker down and throw all i've got into honoring my dad - what if i expose a weak and broken heart to him and it's not received. what if i'm not worth it to him.

andrew would jokingly suggest that i church my face up right now. but i've been dying to write this week. it's the only way i know how to work all of this out. more than anything, my heart longs to be safe with my dad - to be received, known, and cherished by him - to be seen as beautiful to him. an earthly reflection of how God is towards His kids. a safe place rather than a threatening one.

but for now i cling to this:
"One thing God has spoken, two things I have heard: that You, O God, are strong, and that You, O Lord, are loving." - ps62:11-12

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone, my hope comes from Him. He alone is my Rock and my salvation. He is my fortress, I will not be shaken. My salvation and my honor depend on God. He is my Mighty Rock, my Refuge. Trust in Him at all times, O people, pour out your hearts to Him, for God is our refuge." -ps62:5-8