if i'm being honest, my time in the Word lately has been half-hearted at best. i haven't been consistent or really desired having a quiet time since school got out - maybe it's the change in structure and routine, but really i've just been apathetic about it. reading Scripture for 10 minutes maybe has been done just to appease my conscience so i don't feel guilty spending my time watching TV, online, or working out.
driving home today from Savannah it hit me that i hadn't even touched my Bible all day. then conviction came when i realized that my day was the same as any other day i had spent time in the Word.
seems to me that if i spend time with the God of the Universe on Monday, Monday should be different than any other day that i don't. On that Monday, when I encounter Holy God and His living word - you better believe I'm going to remember it - it'll change my day for sure. that's just what I think anyways.
there's a problem, a big heart problem - a pride problem. when was the last time i got on my knees and worshipped - or just sat - in the presence of God? i don't know about you - but posture makes a huge difference for me. the posture of my heart follows the posture of my body quite quickly. even so - when was the last time i had a "quiet time" and invited the Lord? Granted, He's in me and always with me - but imagine being in the same room with someone and them not inviting you to come sit and watch a movie with them. Imagine that, when they talk to you, they speak at you until they get it all out, and then turn back to the TV and ignore you. Are you with them still? Sure... I guess.
conviction was good - i'd been asking for it. repentance followed, but then so did guilty feelings. feelings that were depressing - like i was such a crappy kid and when would i ever learn? would i always struggle with the same things? i'm so dumb, i know better, why do i do what i do? etc. why on earth does God love me and what does that even look like?
well if God is love, and love is all that 1 Cor 13 says it is and if God loves me, then logically:
God is patient with me. God is kind towards me. God does not envy (ish - He's a jealous God that's for sure, but He's got a right to be - He's the only one worth anything and everything, so in all honesty the fact that He has to be jealous really exposes something wrong in us - maybe?). God does not boast (we ought to be boasting about Him, and creation is bursting to tell of Him - but like the jealousy thing - He's got a right to boast). God is not proud (in fact, Scripture says He is gentle and humble in heart). God is not rude. God is not self-seeking (ish - I mean, He's God - He has to be self-seeking ultimately because He's the only one worth seeking. He's selfish - it's all for His glory). God is not easily angered. God keeps no record of wrongs. God does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. God always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always persevers. God never fails.
when I encounter that God it ought to throw me for a loop - my day ought to be different - i ought to be different. it's elementary - you can spend all the time you want in the Word, but with a stubborn and rebellious heart you will be blind and deaf towards the Living God.
i am starving for the Living God.
1 comment:
I'm grateful for your honesty. I've honestly been going through somewhat of the same kind slump. Once you move back home, it's hard to get back in rhythm with Jesus for some reason. Don't get down on yourself, though. As you said, he's patient. Spending time reading his Words is a good way to hang out with him, but don't forget to be aware of all the thousands of other ways in which he's trying to romance you throughout the day. He knows what you absolutely love. Watch for him.
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