never

important lesson of the day:

be careful how you use the word "never" - it might come back to bite you in the butt.

searching for significance

Jesus,

I give you permission to shine Your Spirit's light into my thoughts, feelings and actions. Give me the courage to be honest and the deepest awareness of my need for healing - for you. You alone are Hope, you alone are life and peace - you alone are my satisfaction and my significance. Mold me into the woman you want me to be...show me who I am in you and help my unbelief.


so the book begins...

a clean heart

Have mercy on me, oh God
According to Your unfailing love
According to Your great compassion
Blot out my transgressions

Create in me a clean heart, oh God
Restore in me the joy of Your salvation

The sacrifices of our God are a broken and a contrite heart
Against You and You alond have I sinned

Would You create in me a clean heart, oh God
Restore in me the joy of my salvation

Wash me white as snow
And I will be made whole
Wash me white as snow
And I will be made whole
- jon foreman

worship

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

- Romans 12:1-2

during worship tonight at FCA this verse popped into my head. i've been so...falsely humble? lately, i don't even know what i've been. everything seems apathetic - without conviction - prayers are just words with meager feeling amassed with struggle. what i know i should know i only call to mind based on having it ingrained in my brain since i can remember - in reality my head feels like a massive fog... so deeply riddle with lies, if they even are lies, i don't know. i feel blind - i miss the sound of your voice, but i doubted it was yours from the start. my stupid stupid lack of faith. i can offer you my body as a living sacrefice, but is it holy and pleasing to you? this whole business of being transformed, being renewed - sounds great, amazing even - but i don't understand. i don't want to understand necessarily, i just want faith. i want the bolts removed from the doors of my heart. i want the prison walls to break open. i want the girl who is so used to parading herself around her little inprisoned heart in chains thinking that she is independent to be broken - to receive the fullest extent of your love and jealousy. i want to want that. i want to see her like you see her. i want a poor and contrite heart. i want peace. i want joy. i want rest. i want fullness. i want to be made whole and holy. i want to see, really gaze into, the eyes of my Maker, my Lover, my Lord and Master and know, beyond doubt, beyond conviction, that i am indeed His kid, His love, His. i want to feel the Holy Spirit like a fire within me, like a groaning I can't explain... I want to be set on fire. I want to pray with power, to love with power, to think with power, to speak with power - not of my own or with my own name in the picture - but i want to experience the power that is in the name of Jesus alone. when i hear the name Jesus, the word God, worship, church, ministry, missions, quiet time, bible - whatever - i want it to be real. this Jesus that's so often talked about - He's alive and real - He's my Lover - He's jealous for me, He loves me - man I want to get that. I want to get excited about that. when i hear someone talking about spending time with the Lord - I want to spend time with the Lord like Moses did, like Joshua, like Jesus, like Paul and Peter and John - I want my face to shine, I want my heart to burst, I want to walk out in confidence knowing that I am His and He is mine and that that is unchangeable.

forgive me. i don't know what to do.

the joys of clemson

one of the many reasons i adore clemson: tomorrow a group of students (upwards of 80) will all gather on the library bridge, strip down to their highlighter-yellow tee shirts and break out into synchronized dance... it's called the iRave. completely student born, student led and student loved.

iRave - do you?

<3