rest

there are a couple of "coping skills" i was given to handle my anxiety/panic attacks... signs i was given to recognize an attack before it blew into something completely huge.  therapists like acronyms, and i think they're easy to remember.  a common one is HALT - stop and think - are you hungry? anxious? lonely? tired?  any of these can increase the risk/onset of an attack.  

so i'm going to greenville to go dancing with friends tonight and i felt awful.  i have been running on less than 3 hours of sleep today, i've been stressed all week (for most of the semester in various areas of my life), and i'm surrounded by couples.  in a frustrated state i wanted to cry right then in the car.  instead all i could think/pray was "Jesus i need you"

i need to rest in the truth that my Jesus is enough.

He is enough.

He is enough.

and nothing i could ever do (or not do) could make Him love me any more or less.

nothing.

nothing.

<3

the Gospel

"Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst." - 1 Timothy 1:15

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." -Hebrews 12:2

hmm... as i look back on today, the past week, month, semester, few years... the extent of my screw ups is overwhelming. the more i look at my screwed up past and "present" state... the more i wonder if Jesus is thinking about changing his mind on me. BUT my mistake has been looking down at me instead of fixing my eyes on Him. the beauty of the Gospel is that "I was. He is." (Carly Kay).

hebrews 12:1 talks about throwing off the sin that "so easily entangles" and "running with perseverance the race marked out for us"... all of which sounds well and good, but by fixing my eyes on Jesus, He enables me to run in such a way that i do "not grow weary or lose heart."

i'm super good at focusing on the fact that i'm a failure when i've screwed up. in my pride i might not admit it, but in my heart it eats away. the perfectionist murders joy and distracts me from the hope that I have in the truth that Jesus "for the joy set before him, endured the cross, scorning its shame and sat at the right hand of the throne of God."

the beauty of the Gospel, is that Jesus bridged a gap, carried me to the Table, handed me a plate of potatoes and said "here, eat, enjoy, then pass it around." he did NOT bridge the gap, and expect me to come to the table on my own two legs, with a 5 course meal perfectly cooked and arranged - he didn't even ask me to bring a side dish or a roll of paper towels... the beauty of the Gospel, an aspect of it anyways, is that He rescued me, carried me, and without expecting me to bring anything to the table on my own, said "here...take this, enjoy the feast, pass the potatoes."

i want to soak in the beauty that is the Gospel - though it's grace and love i'll never fully understand.
<3

twitterpated

Webster's definition:
twitterpated (adj) - "confused by affection or infatuation"

Alex's definition:
"why the crap am i blushing?"

<3

the blahs

blah.

that's about how i feel, and i don't know why.

i want to focus on today alone, i'm tired of stressing. i don't know where i'll be in a semester, in a year, i feel restless here. the opposite of calm and the "you've got time" mentality. i feel impulsive, anxious, like a puzzle piece that doesn't fit.

i want rest, but i'm too restless. i just feel lazy. like a sham.

"what are you waiting for my love? I promise to take care of you and I'm asking you to trust Me."

okay. iPod shuffle just said it all.
<3

preparation

coming to you from columbia...

last weekend i went to athens to see my dear dear sister Autumn, to get away from Clemson, and essentially let the Lord heal some stuff, reveal some stuff, and work. i believe He did and He still is.

i came back to Clemson and the other night i was walking to a frisbee game (the Lost Boys' game to be precise ;) ) and we were chatting. essentially... this blog is a piece of that conversation.

i feel like the Lord's preparing me for something. and (we were talking about relationships) a lot of times it's easy to think "oh He's preparing me for someone." but maybe not, maybe He's just preparing me for Him, for something else, who knows. regardless, i feel Him moving and asking me to "Come" and that's so hard for me to do sometimes! whether i get married in this life or not, He's still preparing me to be a married woman: His.

There have been times when it's so conversational between me and Him, then other times when I squirm. (Like tonight on the way to Columbia, it was like i felt like He was riding in the car, right next to me, as though i should turn off the music and we should just have a conversation... but He just wanted to ride in silence and I was totally squirming).

you know those people, the friends or the loved ones that you have... the ones that just know what you're gonna say before you say it... you don't even have to talk to communicate, they just get it. i want that with Jesus.

there's a lot i dont know. i was riding home listening to this podcast/sermon (i'm okay with the fact that that makes me dorky) that's part of a series on Song of Solomon. Clayton King was the guest speaker and he was talking about marraige and i was like... whoa, Lord i'm totally not ready for that. and it was as if this revelation happened in my head (a lightbulb moment)... the same/similar reasons/things why i'm not ready to be married now, are the same things that hold me back in my relationship with the Lord. i'm selfish, i'm prideful, i'm independent, i find submitting and communicating difficult...and being vulnerable even harder. BUT those are all things that the Lord is like "hey... that - that's not cool. I want you to be holy like I am holy. so come on - let me in."

maybe i'm starting to get it. if engagement is the preparation for the wedding day and marraige... then this is it - i'm engaged, being prepared for the wedding feast. i'm married, one through the blood of Christ. see this Jesus? He's mine and i am His.

2 Timothy 1:7

For God did NOT give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline.


hmm... i'm claiming it.
<3

the mustard seed

you say i can walk on water just like you did
you say i can heal the lame and the sick
you say that in you i have power to raise the dead
if only i had faith the size of a mustard seed
well a mustard seed never looked so big to me.

you say you can heal my brokenness and
that you can break my chains of regret
you say that you can free me from perfection's illusion
and that you're grace is sufficient for my every need
but a mustard seed never looked so big to me.

you say you long to restore me
you say you long to love me
with a love and grace beyond common sense.
you say you long to hold me
you say your desire is for me
a desire stronger than i have ever known

you say "Come to me" but i flee from your gaze
you say "Do not quench the Spirit" and "Cling to what is good"
but in my heart i feel a web of lies.
i'm ridden with discouragement and fear
have i pushed you away one too many times?

i'm at a loss Jesus and in a dangerous place
the land called unbelief
all i have is your promise
that you're faithful to complete
could i fall down at your feet?
i cannot understand the concept of your love
or why you'd want to be one with such a failure

Maker of the mustard seed, be even bigger now to me.

its rough