rhythm

rhythm.
ocean waves roll in as the moon holds the tide captive
a gentle crescendo, building and breaking down.
rhythm.
as restless as i feel, i cannot move from this place
building and breaking down
you're like the moon.

the equipping

So I've been reading through the Old Testament, slowly but steadily, and I'm currently in Exodus.  For the past few chapters, God's been giving Moses all of these instructions on how to build His house. From the curtains, to the altars, to the priests' clothing, God gives incredibly detailed instructions to Moses about how Israel is to build his house AND what each element in the tent of meeting is to be used for.  To be honest, most of it goes over my head - the measurements and designs are hard to relate to, and the different types of sacrifices are overwhelming to keep up with.  However, one thing struck me today as I was finishing up chapter 31. 
"Now the LORD spoke to Moses, saying, 'See, I have called by name Bezalel, the son of Uri, the son of Hur, of the tribe of Judah. I have filled him with the Spirit of God in wisdom, in understanding, in knowledge, and in all kinds of craftsmanship.....And behold, I Myself have appointed with him Oholiab... and in the hearts of all who are skillful I have put skill, that they may make all that I have commanded you.'" (see Exodus 31:1-11)

Chapters and chapters of instructions and details - over and over again words such as "holy" and "consecrated" are used - the God of the universe telling you how to build His dwelling place among you - no pressure, right? Right. Bezalel, Oholiab, Moses and all of Israel didn't have to worry about whether or not this tent of meeting could be build correctly - the Lord assured them that He had given them all the skill needed to accomplish the task.

It might be embarrassing to admit, but I was studying yesterday and suddenly frozen in fear. I couldn't decide if I was more afraid of failing NCLEX or of passing - my mind became a battleground and all of these "what if" thoughts began to swirl in my head. "What if I make a mistake?" "What if I don't remember any of this when I get to work?" "What if they regret hiring me?" "What if I hate it?" "What if I'm no good at this?" I had gone from taking a simple practice test to a state of internal panic in a split second. Closing my eyes, I had to remind myself that I'd be okay, that this was irrational, and I had to pray. I've noticed that nothing gives Satan a foothold in my life like unconfessed fear. Not only is fear not of the Lord, but when I'm not honest about it with Him, I hold it in. The longer I hold in my fear, the easier it is for Satan to use it to speak lies and whisper doubts - much like he did yesterday during that practice test.
 I've grown up hearing, "God doesn't always call the equipped,  but He always equips the called." Today, the Lord gently put His finger on that place of fear and worry in my heart - fear over boards, fear over being a nurse, that wish that I had chosen a safer career.  When you realize that people will trust you with their lives, and with the lives of those they love most - to make decisions concerning their health, to be on your game with your assessment skills, to prevent and catch errors before they're made, it's quite easy for me to feel overwhelmed and forget that God always provides and has good plans for me.

I guess my point is that whatever the Lord has called us to, He will equip us for. Notice the order - the Lord gives Moses a ton of details and commands (I would have had to take some notes) and then He tells Moses who He's called and how He's equipped them. It's easy for me to get overwhelmed with the calling and lose sight of the One who called me.  He is "I AM."

oh, the prayers that we pray....

I'll be honest - I haven't posted in a while. Partly because my life has been a bit hectic, but mainly because I haven't felt much like writing. 

I have so much to be thankful for, excited about, and hopeful of - but the attitude of my heart and mind has (quite frankly) sucked recently. I've been praying that the Lord would sanctify me (that's always a fun one), but also that He would wake me up to who He is - His character, His heart, how incredibly big and sovereign He is - because I've put Him into such a small box. 

I don't know if you've ever experienced this, but there are times in my life where I know that I'm not where I want to be - when I know better.  I'm so stubborn.  Anyways, there are times when the Holy Spirit (I'm giving Him credit as He's the Helper) just brings to mind things I've learn or heard before.... for example:  when  I'm worried (which has been an almost constant state lately) about whether or not I'll be a competent nurse or adult, when I'm worried about being lonely in a new city, the lovely phrase "When Jesus is all you have, you realize that He is all you need" rings in my ears.  Lately, I've been quoting Psalm 23 to myself a lot - "The Lord is my shepherd I shall not want... He leads me... He guides me... He makes me... He restores...He prepares...He's with me...He comforts me..." I want to get so deep into these truths and just rest in Him, in faith and with full assurance.

He's slowly and steadily answering that prayer for sanctification - even my mom smiled at me (in a moment of frustration) and admitted she had been praying the same thing for me.  It's nice to have a mother who's honest with you.  He's also putting His finger on things in my heart and mind that are getting harder and harder to ignore.  What I would rather bend, He wants to break and renew.

In other news:

I graduated from college.
I went to France with my mom for a week - pictures and stories to come soon :)
I'm preparing for NCLEX (trying to - I crave your prayers on June 14th as I take it - pray for supernatural peace, wisdom and provision).
I have a Nashville address.

I'll leave you with one of my favorite pictures from Paris....

<3a