the standard of beauty

so i'm reading through Song of Songs now and i have to confess that i love this book. having already listened to "Visionary Love" by Stephen Furtick a few months ago I feel like i have a different perspective on the book. I can recognize parts/seasons in their relationship and it's so much cooler.

one thing that stands out to me is 4:7 "all beautiful you are, my darling, there is no flaw in you."

basically he's just gone over her entire self - complimenting her and tailoring his words to build her up as a woman, as his beloved. then, in this verse, he summarizes all that he finds beautiful in her. She has become and is his standard of beauty.

no one else compares to her, and he holds everything up in light of her and her beauty - and nothing compares, she encompasses all that he finds and things and sees as being beautiful.

then she says something, after he's gone through and told her everything that's beautiful about her (and i mean everything is beautiful to him) - he talks about how she's waited for him - guarded her garden from the "foxes" - those little things that get in the way and keep you from guarding your heart and keeping yourself pure. then she says something... something crazy.. she gives him permission to come into his garden (her). It isn't "her garden" but his.

for some reason this just really struck me - that she didn't even consider her body her own anymore - she was his and he was hers. there's something so beautiful about that to me - that she's waited and guarded and matured in all these areas for years just to give it away. give it all away.

he affirms her - he affirms her in their dating by speaking truth into her life when she focuses on her insecurities. he affirms her beauty by making it his standard. and she trusts him fully - with everything that she is and has she lets him in and gives him permission to come into everything that she is... and neither do it for selfish reasons - they do it simply because it's loving the other. he loves her by affirming. she loves him by trusting and giving.

rest

there are a couple of "coping skills" i was given to handle my anxiety/panic attacks... signs i was given to recognize an attack before it blew into something completely huge.  therapists like acronyms, and i think they're easy to remember.  a common one is HALT - stop and think - are you hungry? anxious? lonely? tired?  any of these can increase the risk/onset of an attack.  

so i'm going to greenville to go dancing with friends tonight and i felt awful.  i have been running on less than 3 hours of sleep today, i've been stressed all week (for most of the semester in various areas of my life), and i'm surrounded by couples.  in a frustrated state i wanted to cry right then in the car.  instead all i could think/pray was "Jesus i need you"

i need to rest in the truth that my Jesus is enough.

He is enough.

He is enough.

and nothing i could ever do (or not do) could make Him love me any more or less.

nothing.

nothing.

<3

the Gospel

"Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst." - 1 Timothy 1:15

"Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." -Hebrews 12:2

hmm... as i look back on today, the past week, month, semester, few years... the extent of my screw ups is overwhelming. the more i look at my screwed up past and "present" state... the more i wonder if Jesus is thinking about changing his mind on me. BUT my mistake has been looking down at me instead of fixing my eyes on Him. the beauty of the Gospel is that "I was. He is." (Carly Kay).

hebrews 12:1 talks about throwing off the sin that "so easily entangles" and "running with perseverance the race marked out for us"... all of which sounds well and good, but by fixing my eyes on Jesus, He enables me to run in such a way that i do "not grow weary or lose heart."

i'm super good at focusing on the fact that i'm a failure when i've screwed up. in my pride i might not admit it, but in my heart it eats away. the perfectionist murders joy and distracts me from the hope that I have in the truth that Jesus "for the joy set before him, endured the cross, scorning its shame and sat at the right hand of the throne of God."

the beauty of the Gospel, is that Jesus bridged a gap, carried me to the Table, handed me a plate of potatoes and said "here, eat, enjoy, then pass it around." he did NOT bridge the gap, and expect me to come to the table on my own two legs, with a 5 course meal perfectly cooked and arranged - he didn't even ask me to bring a side dish or a roll of paper towels... the beauty of the Gospel, an aspect of it anyways, is that He rescued me, carried me, and without expecting me to bring anything to the table on my own, said "here...take this, enjoy the feast, pass the potatoes."

i want to soak in the beauty that is the Gospel - though it's grace and love i'll never fully understand.
<3

twitterpated

Webster's definition:
twitterpated (adj) - "confused by affection or infatuation"

Alex's definition:
"why the crap am i blushing?"

<3

preparation

coming to you from columbia...

last weekend i went to athens to see my dear dear sister Autumn, to get away from Clemson, and essentially let the Lord heal some stuff, reveal some stuff, and work. i believe He did and He still is.

i came back to Clemson and the other night i was walking to a frisbee game (the Lost Boys' game to be precise ;) ) and we were chatting. essentially... this blog is a piece of that conversation.

i feel like the Lord's preparing me for something. and (we were talking about relationships) a lot of times it's easy to think "oh He's preparing me for someone." but maybe not, maybe He's just preparing me for Him, for something else, who knows. regardless, i feel Him moving and asking me to "Come" and that's so hard for me to do sometimes! whether i get married in this life or not, He's still preparing me to be a married woman: His.

There have been times when it's so conversational between me and Him, then other times when I squirm. (Like tonight on the way to Columbia, it was like i felt like He was riding in the car, right next to me, as though i should turn off the music and we should just have a conversation... but He just wanted to ride in silence and I was totally squirming).

you know those people, the friends or the loved ones that you have... the ones that just know what you're gonna say before you say it... you don't even have to talk to communicate, they just get it. i want that with Jesus.

there's a lot i dont know. i was riding home listening to this podcast/sermon (i'm okay with the fact that that makes me dorky) that's part of a series on Song of Solomon. Clayton King was the guest speaker and he was talking about marraige and i was like... whoa, Lord i'm totally not ready for that. and it was as if this revelation happened in my head (a lightbulb moment)... the same/similar reasons/things why i'm not ready to be married now, are the same things that hold me back in my relationship with the Lord. i'm selfish, i'm prideful, i'm independent, i find submitting and communicating difficult...and being vulnerable even harder. BUT those are all things that the Lord is like "hey... that - that's not cool. I want you to be holy like I am holy. so come on - let me in."

maybe i'm starting to get it. if engagement is the preparation for the wedding day and marraige... then this is it - i'm engaged, being prepared for the wedding feast. i'm married, one through the blood of Christ. see this Jesus? He's mine and i am His.

romance

it's brilliant outside today.

sunny with a hint of clouds
crisp
perfect

my Jesus knows how to romance me.